Organizers Fear Terrorist Attacks at Upcoming Al-Qaeda Convention

[Miramonti]

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"There are concerns about a possible attack, and we are responding by heightening security," al-Qaeda chairman and convention organizer Khalil al-Hamada said. "This year's convention will see longer lines and more comprehensive searches, and prospective martyrs will have difficulty gaining a private audience with Ayman al-Zawahiri. But, as freedom-haters who have always stood for the disruption and overthrow of the West, we will not allow terror to blunt our resolve or dictate our message."

..."We'll be employing some of the best and newest technology available," al-Hamada said. "This includes hundreds of top-of-the-line closed-circuit cameras, Lifeguard handheld metal detectors, and armored plates to line VIP sections of the caves. We've also kidnapped some of the top minds in security and counter-terrorism, and our clerics are currently grilling them for tips."

Also in the news:

Bush Introduces New Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act

WASHINGTON, DC?President Bush announced Monday that he'll encourage Congress to back his new education initiative, the Timmy Blanchard Left Behind Act. "It is my goal to close the achievement gap in our schools with accountability, flexibility, and choice, so that no child is left behind?except for Timmy Blanchard of Akron, OH," Bush said at a White House press conference. "By 2014, I plan to see a significant jump in the math, reading, and science proficiency of 99.9999 percent of America's students. The children, excluding Timmy, are our future." Bush was inspired to leave Blanchard behind after the child threw up all over the merry-go-round last week.

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[CaptnKirk]

Kove 'The Onion' - they get it right.