opinions needed....writing related

[sadb0i]

Ok I gotta know what you guys think of this small scene. I think its too corny and can't really grasp the feelings they have for each other here. This scene just doesnt feel genuine to me. I know its not the WHOLE story but from just this small part can you guys tell they are falling in love or in love?


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Sam
I?m actually enjoying tonight?its been a long time since any dance has been fun. I remember so many times when I?d just sit and watch people have fun. Something I wished I could forget. Hmm pretty pathetic actually.

Mary
What do you mean.?

Sam
I always come to these parties, these dances, but I have never danced on the floor. I?ve never held someone close to me and wanted for the night the last forever. I?ve read about it in stories, I?ve even seen it in the eyes of the strangers when they are holding their special person in their arms, thats the story of my life, always looking for that person?

Mary
That?s so sad?

They hold onto each other a little closer..a little tighter..feeling more comfortable?he looks at her and then a feeling of sadness comes over him?you can see it on his face?she looks at him?seeing this she puts her hand on his cheek looks right into his eyes?they are lost in each other?he smiles..then she smiles?he leans over and she does the same?their foreheads touch. They are lost in each other

(thinking) will be said in voice over. sam and mary dont actually speak.

Sam
( thinking) I can feel your heart pounding?is it because of me?

Mary
(thinking) yes it is because of you?im so scared?do u feel the same way?

Sam
(thinking) yes I do?how do I know if it?s real?

mary
(thinking) I don?t know?but I trust my feelings?and I trust you?

sam
(thinking) I?d give anything just to be with you?I swear I?ll never change?I will be there for you?I wanna share my life with you ?its only right that you?ll be mine?because you are my angel from above..

mary
(thinking)I close my eyes I thank the lord that I?ve got you here?you?re my dreams come true?

sam pulls back from may.as.he continues to look into her in the eyes?then he slowly kisses her on her forehead?the song ends?they stay together in their embrace?neither will let go..but they both realize they have to?mary looks up at sam

mary
the songs over sam

sam
I know?

He slowly lets her go..she does the same?she kisses him and walks back to her friends?he stands there?amazed?

 

[Yossarian]

that's wicked cheesy. especially the part with the telepathic conversation.

 

[notfred]

Uh... are these people telepathic aliens or what? How do telepathic aliens fall in love?

 

[Gunslinger08]

I would laugh if I saw that scene.

 

[Hubris]

You're overstating things WAY too much. Subtlety is the key in writing; don't beat your audience over the head with things, but at the same time make it very clear what's happening. Also, if this is a play, and I'm assuming by the format that it is, don't have such long exposition and soliloquies, especially as heavy-handed as the passages written above. Be more elusive, let the actors convey some of the motion rather than letting the words slap people in the face. One of the great advantages of theatre and film/TV is that a LOT can be said with the human body that can't be conveyed in writing.

Thought I might actually try to help rather than mock. Oh, and the telepathy IS corny.

 

[PatboyX]

Originally posted by: Hubris
You're overstating things WAY too much. Subtlety is the key in writing; don't beat your audience over the head with things, but at the same time make it very clear what's happening. Also, if this is a play, and I'm assuming by the format that it is, don't have such long exposition and soliloquies, especially as heavy-handed as the passages written above. Be more elusive, let the actors convey some of the motion rather than letting the words slap people in the face. One of the great advantages of theatre and film/TV is that a LOT can be said with the human body that can't be conveyed in writing.

Thought I might actually try to help rather than mock. Oh, and the telepathy IS corny.

yeah, thought ballons should stay in comics and soap operas. be careful with the exposition, it gets to be too much too quickly. dialouge is an easy tool to 1) move the plot and 2) define characters. try defining the character and their emotions by having them do things, the guy may be reluntant to get on the dance floor...him hesitating is more realistic than him saying outloud that he has issues with dancing.
that sort of thing.

how long have you been writing? (if you dont mind me asking)