- Oct 25, 1999
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Hey guys, in my OA year of high school me and a bunch of others ran a digital tv station for morning announcements and such.
As part of our year end special we had a bunch of huge joke segments (we'd do that ever friday).
One of our segments we had to edit heavily for content, I figured some of you might find it pretty funny:
History of French Warfare (taken in jest)
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian...
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, but saved at the last minute by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule Of French Warfare: "France's Armies Are Only Victorious When Not Led By A Frenchman"...
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first & only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians...
Wars Of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots...
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually, the other participant began ignoring her...
War Of Devolution - Tied...
The Dutch War - Tied...
War Of The Augsburg League/King William's War/French And Indian War - All lost, but claimed as ties. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label this period as the height of French military power...
The War Of Spanish Succession - Lost...
American Revolution - In a move that will become familiar to future American generations, France claims a win even though American colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "The De Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to The Second Rule Of French Warfare: "France Only Wins When America Does Most Of The Fighting"...
French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact the opponent was also French...
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember The First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer...
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany's first go around at playing the drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on Saturday night...
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call them "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French gene pool...
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States & Britain, just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song...
War In Indochina - Lost. French forces claim illness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu...
Algerian Revolution - Lost. Marks first defeat by a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since The Crusades, and produces The First Rule Of Muslim Warfare: "We Can Always Beat The French". This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, and Vietnamese...
War On Terrorism - Keeping in mind its history, France surrenders to the Germans and Muslims. Just to be safe, they attempt to surrender to the Vietnamese Ambassador, who takes refuge in a McDonalds...
In closing, let me ask this question of French Military Trivia:
Q. How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
A. Who knows? They've never tried.
As part of our year end special we had a bunch of huge joke segments (we'd do that ever friday).
One of our segments we had to edit heavily for content, I figured some of you might find it pretty funny:
History of French Warfare (taken in jest)
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian...
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, but saved at the last minute by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule Of French Warfare: "France's Armies Are Only Victorious When Not Led By A Frenchman"...
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first & only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians...
Wars Of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots...
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually, the other participant began ignoring her...
War Of Devolution - Tied...
The Dutch War - Tied...
War Of The Augsburg League/King William's War/French And Indian War - All lost, but claimed as ties. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label this period as the height of French military power...
The War Of Spanish Succession - Lost...
American Revolution - In a move that will become familiar to future American generations, France claims a win even though American colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "The De Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to The Second Rule Of French Warfare: "France Only Wins When America Does Most Of The Fighting"...
French Revolution - Won, primarily due to the fact the opponent was also French...
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember The First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer...
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany's first go around at playing the drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on Saturday night...
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call them "Fraulein". Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French gene pool...
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States & Britain, just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song...
War In Indochina - Lost. French forces claim illness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu...
Algerian Revolution - Lost. Marks first defeat by a western army by a non-Turkic Muslim force since The Crusades, and produces The First Rule Of Muslim Warfare: "We Can Always Beat The French". This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, and Vietnamese...
War On Terrorism - Keeping in mind its history, France surrenders to the Germans and Muslims. Just to be safe, they attempt to surrender to the Vietnamese Ambassador, who takes refuge in a McDonalds...
In closing, let me ask this question of French Military Trivia:
Q. How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
A. Who knows? They've never tried.
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