- Dec 20, 2000
- 6,457
- 6
- 81
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later,
the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other
sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94
year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going
up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's
Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I.
Let's have a beer."
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SUPERSEX
An little old lady was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up
the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She
walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently
for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The
husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a
romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used
to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then
you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached
across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down
to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you
used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the
air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my
hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly
gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
. I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what
your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!"
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must
be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through
a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous . At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
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