Not sure where this belongs or what the actual point of my post is, but I just have to get it out.

[Dmadman79au]

Hey everyone,

This is going to be a lengthy diatribe which will most likely be hard to understand, at times contradictory and I really don't know what i want to get out of posting it, but i just need somewhere that isn't going to cause real life blow back to write.

I'm broken. I had a less than wonderful youth which has resulted in PTSD and also suffer depression a chronic pain condition and I'm currently really struggling.

Am i going to kill myself? I don't think so, that wouldn't be fair to my children, parents, partner, or dog, so there is no need for anyone to panic or be concerned about my physical well being. its been an urge that I've dealt with since i was in primary school, ill be ok.

I am tired though, so tired of keeping my shit together. So tired of having to put on a mask and pretending to be alright.

Here in Australia we have this thing called R U OK day, which is a great concept, fantastic concept to check on people ask if they are alright and then help them if they aren't.

Problem is that shit aint like that.

If it was as simple as just talking to people and everyone was equipped to hear the troubles of those around them without judgement we wouldn't need a special day for it because everyone would do it all the time.

If I was to tell my colleagues that I am struggling and spend at least an hour each day thinking about throwing a chair at my office window and then following it 14 stories to the ground that would be a career limiting move, and my industry isn't big enough for me to do that.

The big question though is what is ok? Am i currently ok because I have a support network and a job and access to hospitals etc if i need them.

The worst part is i don't think ill ever get over the things i need to get over to have a happy life, I have been working at it for almost a decade now, and my head is still a mush of rage and anguish and violence and hate.

I've tried a few medications and they were awful, the side effects were terrible, and the withdrawal when I went off them was horrendous.

If anyone has ever seen a mental health facility they will know that they are awful places to be and for me i think would just ramp up my anxiety and cause me further issues.

Anyway i ramble spin and monologue and get nowhere, i still don't know why I've written this but it's written and I'm going to post it,

hope you are all doing better than me.

 

[Moggy]

Hi D'man
I read your post.
Twice

I would like to answer;
Thanks for your concern for "us" ("hope you are all doing better than me")

We all have our issues, me for instance, I don't have children, parents, partner, or dog... No, it's not a comparison but these are exactly the things that are painful for me...

It's all part of our personal evolution
It's a struggle, a lot of the time & it takes courage
It helps me to remind myself I'm not alone in this

I'm from Belgium and spent some years in Australia a while ago
I think of it as the most wonderful place on earth, nature inland is amazing and offered me connection to myself

Hold on!
Moggy

 

[Dmadman79au]

Hi D'man
I read your post.
Twice

I would like to answer;
Thanks for your concern for "us" ("hope you are all doing better than me")

We all have our issues, me for instance, I don't have children, parents, partner, or dog... No, it's not a comparison but these are exactly the things that are painful for me...

It's all part of our personal evolution
It's a struggle, a lot of the time & it takes courage
It helps me to remind myself I'm not alone in this

I'm from Belgium and spent some years in Australia a while ago
I think of it as the most wonderful place on earth, nature inland is amazing and offered me connection to myself

Hold on!
Moggy

Hi Moggy,

Yes Australia is beautiful, and I do understand that I am lucky to have the riches in my life that I do, that others like yourself would love to have and are not experiencing, and i do my best not to take them for granted.

I'm going to keep grinding and keep holding on, thanks fro your support
Cheers
D

 

[MagnusTheBrewer]

I spent years clinically depressed. I started doing things outside my comfort zone and trying to find a different way to live. It took a long time but, I got better. Keep trying is what I'm trying to say.

 

[paperfist]

I spent years clinically depressed. I started doing things outside my comfort zone and trying to find a different way to live. It took a long time but, I got better. Keep trying is what I'm trying to say.

I’m not sure my GF is at that level, but she’s chronically depressed for sure. I keep telling her to not think about things that are out of her control, but it doesn’t work. Basically I tell her to do what you’ve done and it’s nice to know results like yours can be gained.

Congrats!

 

[Moggy]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGwrm4E8w_A
Little steps will get you anywhere!
Wish you courage.

 

[FeuerFrei]

I'd start with nutrition, specifically targeting the brain's neurotransmitters. Bio-available vitamins and minerals. Essential amino acids. Inositol can help anxiety ( I hear ). You might be low on dopamine, or GABA.

Get sufficient sleep and exercise. Download some chillout mixes and play them. Music can change attitude. Avoid music that reinforces the rage. The side of you that wins, is the side of you that you feed.

Maybe you're an introvert and need alone time to recharge and de-stress from people. Maybe you need to reform some habits or mend some relationships.

I don't have anger or post-trauma issues, nor do I understand people that do, but I do have insomnia - industrial-strength insomnia. I'm trying to live through another sleepless day. And keep my brain intact.

Also ... just in case ... stop dabbling in anything occult. >_<

 

[Moggy]

Couldn't agree more with previous poster.

PS "industrial-strength insomnia" is a funny expression, I recognize it, sleep irregularly around 4h/day...

 

[Dmadman79au]

Thanks for the support guys.

My nutrition is funny, i eat some rubbish, but its on top of lots of healthy food, so i am getting all of the nutrients that i should. I at the gym at least 4 times a week and have just last week started hitting numbers like when i was training hard a decade ago.

Sleep is difficult, its the hardest thing to do, i struggle to have the time to be in bed for much more than 6.5 hours a night and i tend to have some struggles falling asleep and also have lots of nightmares.

I've done CBT and EMDR and they have helped with aspects of the traumas that I have been through, but there are other parts of it that are exceptionally difficult to accept and to get over, and "trying to get over it/not think about it/just dealing with it" are about as easy as not thinking about whatever the worst thing that has ever happened to you when it happened over and over again.

I have had trouble with my sleep on and off for the last 25 years or so but what you describe as industrial strength insomnia sounds truly horrid and i hope that you can find something to help you with it mate.

 

[HutchinsonJC]

Is the inability to sleep because of thoughts racing in your head?

 

[mike8675309]

Do you have the ability through your insurance to talk with a psychologist? Assuming you didn't have exposure to chemicals that may have effected your brain chemistry, a psychologist would be the first place to go for mental trauma that it sounds like you have experienced. In the USA that is usually available, but not sure how it is in Australia.

 

[Dmadman79au]

Hey Mike,

I've been talking with a Psychologist for 8 or 9 years now, and am probably going to have to see a psychiatrist as well so that i can get some help with medication. I don't want medication, I hate how it affects me but something has to change.

appreciate your advice.
Cheers
D

 

[mikeymikec]

You talk about family responsibilities and tired of pretending you're OK: Are you labouring under a possible misapprehension that you have to pretend that you're OK and fully able with them, or is there an understanding there that sometimes you need to be able to take a load off, maybe retreat into something that helps you mentally put shit down, or out of the way, or in its place?

I say possible misapprehension because for all I know your family life is as complicated as your own life (e.g. a family member with special needs).

One thing my wife commonly encounters in her work is the stress of a family member acting as a carer for another family member (who is disabled in some way), that the carer is not just under workload stress but with emotional complications and feelings of obligation and feelings of failure in potentially not meeting those obligations. That for you potentially works in multiple ways with you feeling guilty feeling like you sometimes maybe need some TLC and/or the opposite in that you feel that you ought to be able to do everything you would aspire to as a fully able parent (not realising that your aspirations are about a paragon of parenthood rather than what most reasonably decent fully-able parents normally achieve when balancing parenthood with everything else).

I think any fully able parent must be able to feel that the world won't fall apart if they needed 'me time', let alone a person with more problems than the average.

Hopefully you don't have to (or feel that you have to) put up a facade with your family/friends; I think the strain of that would contribute to most people cracking at some point.

 

[Cassandra Pilgrim]

I'm in the same boat but I am sending warm thoughts and hugs dealing with anxiety and depression has been a struggle all my life but I definitely know that it's important to hold onto the ones you love and find even the little things that make you happy so you don't drown. I hope this helps a little. Keep hanging in there you are not alone.

 

[Bardock]

Get to a good doctor and on the meds that work for you. Be honest if they don't work and he'll write rx for something else. Having insurance is a major advantage.

 

[Red Squirrel]

I don't know how much this will help but figured I'd share my story and how I overcame it.

I suffered through a depression near the end of last winter. Was maybe March or April when it hit. Basically I just felt unmotivated to do stuff that should be fun, but then in a matter of a few days it hit hard. I was sad for no reason, my mind was going crazy thinking about all sorts of negative things, and worrying about stuff. Like I kept pondering of what will I do when my parents die and how will I cope, or how will I cope with aging and being stuck in an old age home, and all sorts of stuff like that. Basically being worried about being alone and getting old and also feeling sad about everything. At one point I was borderline suicidal, but yet I didn't actually want to die. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Long story short I ended up figuring that it was probably seasonal affective disorder, and the fact that I was not doing enough activity, I just got complacent working, and then on my off days, doing nothing at home. Days are super short here for most of the year, so can go weeks without seeing any daylight, because it's dark before work and dark after work. I liked working night shifts, so even on my off days, it takes a few days to readjust and try to get up early, so normally I'd get up and it was dark. Do that for my off days, only to go back on nights. So even on my off days I was not getting any kind of day light. I actually liked working nights, but guess it took a toll on me anyway. I ended up seeing my doctor and got some antidepressants, also saw a counselor. Also asked for less night shifts. (it was me that had asked for more as I liked them)

I think taking the antidepressents for a few months, and the fact that summer was starting to arrive, helped. Was going for walks every day just to try to get some daylight. I ended up being ok by June/July if I recall. I still have to watch I don't become too complacent with a routine of doing nothing. I think it was a combination of things that did me in. Lack of light/vitamin D, but also lack of activity. On my off days I just sit and veg all day. TBH I'm kinda back at that now so I really need to get off my butt and do stuff so I don't fall in the same hole again now that it's winter again.

Now on subject of daylight, I learned stuff during this time. You need two forms of light to keep yourself in check from depression: (note this may not apply to all depression, but it does not hurt to try)

1: UVB light on your skin. This is from the sun, or a UVB lamp. A tanning bed won't help as it produces UVA but a reptile lamp can work as it produces UVB. In winter there is not much if any natural UVB because of the sun mostly stays at the horizon. You only really get it in the summer months. If you're a ginger like me you do have a slight advantage as we absorb it more efficiently. Only need like 15 minutes.

2: Blue light. absorbed by the eyes. The sun actually produces a lot of blue light, along with all the rest of the spectrum. Simply being outside in daylight (I think even overcast works but not sure) will get you some blue light. This has to do with serotonin levels and other hormones which affect mood. I don't know the full science behind it, just that you need blue light in your eyes. You can buy a SAD lamp which is basically just a blue light. It has to be a rather specific wavelength but you could in theory make one from LED modules if you check datasheet of light spectrum and match it.

So a few things I did that helped in my case:

- Less night shifts. Because of how hard it is to revert back to day mode I'd often feel groggy and not feel like doing anything, and get up too late to get natural light
- Get UVB and blue light, in one form or the other. Going outdoors in day light is best way, but if you can't due to short days like in my case, you can produce it artificially.
- Take vitamin D. The UVB and vitamin D kinda do the same but I think it still helps to try to get both. TBH I have not done the UVB light myself yet, I bought the bulbs and wanted to build a contraption that is safe so it shields my eyes and I just never got around to it. Vitamin D is actually a slow thing, so I'm probably still good from all the sun I got this summer. That's why SAD happens near the end of winter, as by then it's worn off.
- Try to do more activities. Go visit family, go visit friends, work on projects that give you a sense of accomplishment. etc.

Also, just talking about it to family helped me a lot. Don't keep it inside.

This is longer than I wanted, I hope it manages to help you or anyone else that reads this and goes through it.

 

[Muse]

OK, I read your thing. None of the replies yet...

My thoughts "off the bat":

1. You're intelligent. That's a biggie. It gives you a major opportunity to resolve your problems.

2. Attitude is everything. You probably know that already, but exploring attitude adjustments is sure to help you stabilize yourself and develop means of improving your life.

Self help literature can surely help and there's tons of it out there. I have a book, Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Successful People." He's quite the expert. There are tons of other great books out there.

Friends are important. You seem to feel that you are caged in some degree. Don't let that concern you too much. I'm not saying you should lurch toward a friend or two, just be sensitive to what relationships you have that help long term and value them.

Things that interest you help. Passions, "hobbies," activities. Health is primary. Do things that are good for you physically and mentally. Being Australian, you can obviously relate to physical fitness. Make that a priority, it is fundamental to a sense of well being particularly as you get older.

Try to get a handle on any ideas, fascinations, perhaps memories, that trigger negative emotions and analyze what's going on, how you can reevaluate your thinking in regards to them.

Speaking for myself, I value things that have helped me immensely. There's so much to that. Inspiring things from music to literature, activities, there's so much in life that is wonderful. Depressing things are inevitable, you want to be resilient!

Good luck!