- Mar 3, 2009
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So I was down the beach, on Long Island Sound, I’ve gone there for a couple decades at this point. I was sitting in my chair watching the tide peak, and decided to swim out to the breakers about 200 yards out that delineate the outer limit that you can swim to before the boating area. I wade out, and then at about 15 yards where the water is first over my head I begin swimming. I get about 75 yards out and I get a random cramp in one of my legs. I look back at the shore, and it’s not too far, and I thought to myself that if I swam out to the breakers I wouldn’t just have the trip out, I’d have to swim all the way back to shore as well. I have no idea why I did this, but I kept swimming, I briefly touched at a sandbar about 180 yards out, but it wasn’t much help as the tide was so high even at the sandbar the water was to the top of my head. My leg was absolutely knotted as I swam the last 20 yards out, my lungs were on fire, and every part of my body ached, but I didn’t care.
I got to the breakers, and sat on a rope that ran between the two of them. I looked back at the shore and just thought about the people there. I’m not sure if I was hoping for enlightenment, but not sure of what I was waiting for, I started swimming back after only resting for about 30 seconds. Within about 15 yards my other leg started to cramp up as well, but I didn’t care and I just kept swimming along, basically dragging myself with my arms. I tried to touch bottom and ended up with water 2’ over my head, and had to fight my way back up which only exhausted me further. I was still about 100 yards off shore anyway. I swam another 25 yards and tried to touch down again and ended up over my head, barely pulling myself back up. I honestly didn’t care though, I was pulling myself back up not from actual conscious will or desire, but more of a biological desire to survive. I kept swimming feeling both my legs pretty much lock up and my upper body start to fail, and finally let my body go slack, feet first. I touched the floor of the ocean, and the water only came up to the top of my chest; I was indifferent. I’m not sure what I would have done were it still over my head.
I waded back to shore and limped/dragged myself back to my chair and collapsed there. My quads cramped up, joining my hamstrings, abs, and arms. My head felt like it had a vice-grip crushing my temples. I passed out for a while, I’m not sure how long, but when I came to my legs were still exhausted and I could barely walk. I sat there staring out at the ocean and tried to get back to the ocean, to swim to the breakers again, but my legs were too weak to even walk for another hour. I think that’s the only reason I didn’t keep making the circuit til I sunk to the bottom. I’m still not sure what I was doing.
The last couple weeks though, whenever I start feeling depressed I just remember that feeling of being in the ocean, and somehow the knowledge that I can take myself out at any time comforts me.
I got to the breakers, and sat on a rope that ran between the two of them. I looked back at the shore and just thought about the people there. I’m not sure if I was hoping for enlightenment, but not sure of what I was waiting for, I started swimming back after only resting for about 30 seconds. Within about 15 yards my other leg started to cramp up as well, but I didn’t care and I just kept swimming along, basically dragging myself with my arms. I tried to touch bottom and ended up with water 2’ over my head, and had to fight my way back up which only exhausted me further. I was still about 100 yards off shore anyway. I swam another 25 yards and tried to touch down again and ended up over my head, barely pulling myself back up. I honestly didn’t care though, I was pulling myself back up not from actual conscious will or desire, but more of a biological desire to survive. I kept swimming feeling both my legs pretty much lock up and my upper body start to fail, and finally let my body go slack, feet first. I touched the floor of the ocean, and the water only came up to the top of my chest; I was indifferent. I’m not sure what I would have done were it still over my head.
I waded back to shore and limped/dragged myself back to my chair and collapsed there. My quads cramped up, joining my hamstrings, abs, and arms. My head felt like it had a vice-grip crushing my temples. I passed out for a while, I’m not sure how long, but when I came to my legs were still exhausted and I could barely walk. I sat there staring out at the ocean and tried to get back to the ocean, to swim to the breakers again, but my legs were too weak to even walk for another hour. I think that’s the only reason I didn’t keep making the circuit til I sunk to the bottom. I’m still not sure what I was doing.
The last couple weeks though, whenever I start feeling depressed I just remember that feeling of being in the ocean, and somehow the knowledge that I can take myself out at any time comforts me.
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