Brutuskend
Lifer
A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
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- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
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- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
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- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in my virginny" A pelvic exam verifies that she does indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
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- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch.
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- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
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- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been fvcking the dog?"
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- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
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*Note:* These stories are not recent and therefore cannot be referred to as news. All the stories listed in this issue took place between 1995 and 1997.
Ovi's World of the Bizarre - BIZARRE DEATHS -
SUICIDALLY INSANE
Just Making Sure: G. Flemming, 39, of Akron, Ohio, fired a .38-caliber bullet through his head while jumping from his 14th floor apartment.
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An 85-year-old Chinese woman killed herself because she started menstruating and thought she was possessed by the Devil.
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A British man hanged himself from a "Way Out" (Exit) sign at a railway station following an argument with his girlfriend.
OOPS!!! SORRY!
An Argentine woman tried to stop her husband's hiccuping. She put on a carnival mask, waited until he fell asleep and went into the dark bedroom attempting to scare him. It worked. Her husband, Nestor Lutz, was so terrified when he saw the scary figure next to his bed, he stabbed her to death.
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A father, returning home late, shot and killed his 14-year-old daughter when she tried surprising him by jumping out of the closet.
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Carlo Jimenez of Coro, Venezuela, killed his wife when he rolled over in bed and accidentally hit her with his elbow.
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PLAIN STUPIDITY
What easier target than a blind man? Wrong. Anthony Ervin tried robbing Courtney Beswick, a blind man since birth, obviously thinking he must be an easy target. Beswick, a wrestling champion, flipped him over his head and ... snapped his neck.
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A Polish man died when he accidentally triggered one of his own booby traps placed inside his home. The 60-year-old man was so afraid of burglars, he had installed more than 30 booby traps throughout his home.
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A burglar died of suffocation when he broke into a home that was being fumigated.
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Two Zimbabwen witch doctors died of AIDS after having sex with patients they believed they had cured.
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A man, who was being arrested for robbing a woman, choked to death when he tried swallowing the evidence: a $50 bill.
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A 22-year-old Singaporean radio disk jockey wanted to prove that his lucky talisman will protect him from anything. Even a bullet. He died after he asked a soldier to shoot at him.
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REVENGE OF THE ANIMALS
Richard Tulip, of Suderland, was trampled to death when the 15 horses he was trying to feed rushed for the food bucket.
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A fisherman died when a swordfish jumped out of the water and stabbed him in the face.
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Another fisherman choked to death when a 6in-long fish jumped into his mouth while he was yawning.
WHILE DRIVING
A Denver woman choked to death when she slammed the brakes of her car and her lipstick shot inside her throat.
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A 13-month-old child, strapped into the passenger seat of her mother's car, was decapitated by the vehicle's airbag following an accident. The baby's head was thrown out of the side window.
DO WE DETECT A LITTLE TEMPER?
A 26-year-old woman killed her husband, cooked his flesh and served him to members of his family at his birthday party. When the family inquired where the birthday boy was, she answered: "You just ate him."
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An 100-year-old man slashed his wife's throat after she refused to have sex with him. He accused his 75-year-old wife of having an affair.
