Noah in 2003

[BigToquex]

My GF sent this to me in an email. I thought it was pretty funny

Noah in 2003



The Lord came to Noah, in Canada, in the year 2003. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard - and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.

"Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.

"To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.

"No", said the Lord. "Your Government beat me to it ."

 

[GeekDrew]

I got that one back in '98. I liked it so much, though, that I still have it archived. ::

Noah in the 20th Century
? and the Lord spoke to Noah. God said, "I'm soon going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed; but, I want to save you and your family plus 7 pairs of every clean animal and one pair of all the other animals and creatures on this planet. I want you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning God
delivered the specifications for the Ark to Noah.
"OK, OK" said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Not too long from now it will start to rain, really rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time," He continued. ?time passed. The skies began to cloud up and it began to rain very hard. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard, weeping. There was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for the Ark construction project but your plans didn't meet the local building code so I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Within days, my neighbors objected to me building it, claiming I was violating residential zoning laws by building the Ark in my front yard so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
That was only the beginning. I had a huge problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince The Department of the Interior that I needed the wood to save the owls. They also said they wouldn't let me catch any owls ? no way. So, if the project is still on, You need to know there won?t be any of those spotted ones on the Ark.
Then the carpenters I hired formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before any worker would pick up any kind of a tool or carry any piece of wood. We now have 8 pairs of carpenters and 6 pairs of laborers going on the Ark in place of the Spotted Owls.
When I started rounding up the animals, I got sued by some animal rights group. They objected to me taking them out of their natural habitat. Just when I got that suit dismissed, The EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an EIS (Environmental Impact Statement) about "Your pending flood." They didn't take too kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain so
I sent them a globe and, believe me, that made them mad.
Right now, I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians and Babylonians I have to have on the job. The IRS has seized all my assets. They are claiming that I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by fleeing the country. To top it all off, I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of luxury or excise tax for having a pleasure craft over 24 feet in length. I don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth after all?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord in disbelief, "It seems to me your government has already done it."