REUTERS, New York: Studies conducted by men in long white lab coats show that ass lamination may cause butt cheek cancer. "We were shocked," said one person in a long white lab coat, "we were all wondering, 'Who did actual work around here?' I mean, most of us were busy setting up a LAN game of UT."
According to a sloppy PowerPoint presentation, obviously thrown together at the last second, the majority of people under the study who were ass laminated had huge butt cheeks. "There was only one explanation," said the study manager, Frank, "they had huge tumors expanding their butt cheeks to hideous sizes. Indeed, one person who acknowledged himself as one who as been ass laminated had buttocks of hideous proportion. The individual told us, "I first noticed the growths when I went to the DMV and my ass got caught in the three holes in the chair. Had to get a fire crew to pry my ass off."
Though actual scientists have dismissed the findings as totally false, saying the fat asses were caused by spending too much time on the computers, the other group had much longer and whiter lab coats, making them look much more professional than any Hopkins Medical Center doctor. Pfizer has been rumored to be working on a cure for the cancer that also cures impotence. Said one insider from the medical giant who wished to remain unnamed, "Hey, all we have to do is mix a sugar pill with Viagra, market it and spread rumors about its abilities to make your love life 10x better, and I'm swimming in a pool of gold bouillon (I'm upgrading from a pool of large bills, pain in the ass to clean). More on this as actual facts develop so we can put a liberal spin on them.
According to a sloppy PowerPoint presentation, obviously thrown together at the last second, the majority of people under the study who were ass laminated had huge butt cheeks. "There was only one explanation," said the study manager, Frank, "they had huge tumors expanding their butt cheeks to hideous sizes. Indeed, one person who acknowledged himself as one who as been ass laminated had buttocks of hideous proportion. The individual told us, "I first noticed the growths when I went to the DMV and my ass got caught in the three holes in the chair. Had to get a fire crew to pry my ass off."
Though actual scientists have dismissed the findings as totally false, saying the fat asses were caused by spending too much time on the computers, the other group had much longer and whiter lab coats, making them look much more professional than any Hopkins Medical Center doctor. Pfizer has been rumored to be working on a cure for the cancer that also cures impotence. Said one insider from the medical giant who wished to remain unnamed, "Hey, all we have to do is mix a sugar pill with Viagra, market it and spread rumors about its abilities to make your love life 10x better, and I'm swimming in a pool of gold bouillon (I'm upgrading from a pool of large bills, pain in the ass to clean). More on this as actual facts develop so we can put a liberal spin on them.
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