- Oct 24, 2002
- 3,218
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How things have changed!!
The Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!
The three little pigs said,
F**k off or we'll sneeze on you!
Home Alone
A salesman goes up to a house on Schweitzer Mtn. and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little nine year-old boy named Ryjan who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the
other with a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
The Little boy replies: "What the f**k do you think?"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Need a push?
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning and pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two
guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
> Q
o you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
The Big Bad Wolf said,
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!
The three little pigs said,
F**k off or we'll sneeze on you!
Home Alone
A salesman goes up to a house on Schweitzer Mtn. and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little nine year-old boy named Ryjan who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the
other with a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman says: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
The Little boy replies: "What the f**k do you think?"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Need a push?
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It is 3:00 in the morning and pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two
guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
> Q
o you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France ) >
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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