Need serious advice on foster parenting (sorry, long story)

Fritzo

Lifer
Jan 3, 2001
41,916
2,156
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We just had a great Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family, but a terrible situation was brought to my attention, and I feel like I need to do something, but I'm not sure what.

My brother-in-law got into a sticky situation 16 years ago when he left his wife for 3 months, managed to knock up a woman, and then got back together with his wife. The other woman has serious drug issues, and my BIL has had full custody of their son, with the mom getting visitation rights for a couple of days per week.

This other woman has a now 17 yo daugther, and the court has taken her away due to drug use and no suitible place to live. She has been bouncing from foster home to foster home, and had to leave her last home because they were trying to get her into stripping.

My BIL's son was talking to his sister a couple of days ago, and asked her what she's doing for Thanksgiving. She said they're not having Thanksgiving, so he invited her to my house. I guess she began crying because she's never had a Thanksgiving dinner.

Anyway, she came over with my inlaws, and she was a beautiful, smart, articulate, and helpful young woman. She was in a stangers house and did things like took out the garbage when it was full, washed dishes when she saw things in the sink, and constantly asked if I needed any help serving the guests.

My wife and I have a large house, a huge spare bedroom, and are very good and loving parents. I would love to help this girl out by having her stay with us, but I'm not sure we'd be able to due to laws, and plus we would have some concerns:

1. She's a foster child---would we have to become certified foster parents to take custody of her? Would we even get the choice to take her if we did?

2. She is 17----and had a crappy life to boot. We don't know if she has behavior problems (if she does, she hid them well).

3. Again, she is 17, but she is also very pretty. I'm afraid we'd have boy problems like no tomorrow.

We would like to give her a stable home, help her get into college, and have time to get closer to her brother...I'm just not sure how to do this or if we even can :(

Cliffs:

17 yo girl step sister to my nephew is bouncing around foster homes, we want to help her, but not sure how to go about it.
 

Miramonti

Lifer
Aug 26, 2000
28,651
100
91
Go for it. She's far from a lost cause and you guys could really help her turn into a fantastic and productive person. And afaic, teach her all about birth control, lol, so you guys don't become step-grandfathers. ;)

Iirc waggy has gone thru custody issues with the court...its very different but he might be an insightful resource.
 

Mojoed

Diamond Member
Jul 20, 2004
4,473
1
81
Hey good luck with all this mang. Sounds like despite her upbringing, she's got a good head on her shoulders.

I hope none of you maggotts would even even dare to ask for pics.
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
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Do NOT take on a teenaged girl. It will be nothing but problems.
My aunt and uncle used to take in foster kids all the time. Overall it was good, but the one 16 year old girl they had was a nightmare. Imagine all the bullshit teens start and then magnify it.
Kids who have raised themselves think they are the baddest asses in the universe, she will do nothing except cause issues. The fact you have to ask means you probably dont have enough experience with kids, and a 17 year old female is the worst place to start.
 

Miramonti

Lifer
Aug 26, 2000
28,651
100
91
Do NOT take on a teenaged girl. It will be nothing but problems.
My aunt and uncle used to take in foster kids all the time. Overall it was good, but the one 16 year old girl they had was a nightmare. Imagine all the bullshit teens start and then magnify it.
Kids who have raised themselves think they are the baddest asses in the universe, she will do nothing except cause issues. The fact you have to ask means you probably dont have enough experience with kids, and a 17 year old female is the worst place to start.

This can be true, but in 1 thanksgiving dinner she's showing appreciation and respect for adults and the household. She does not sound like the typical teenager that has had a difficult life, and better than many that have had a good life. ;)
 

Adrenaline

Diamond Member
Jun 12, 2005
5,320
8
81
Talk with the wife first, if she says it is a go then talk with the brother in law as a couple. Your helping her would be worth any of the "little troubles" that accompany teeange girls, like boys. You and your wife may have a chance to help out this young lady in a very positive manner. She will also have the chance to connect with her brother more often.

I would say go for it. Help her out.
 

HappyPuppy

Lifer
Apr 5, 2001
16,997
2
71
No! Don't! Run, do not walk, away from this girl as fast as you can. Cut off all ties and and be grateful you weren't stupid enough to fall into the trap.

Unlike the people with absolutely no experience in this area who are urging you to take her in because she was a good kid for a couple of hours at your home, my wife and I were foster parents for years and took in 43 needy children. We specialized in the younger kids, but even they could be devious beyond your wildest dreams.

To add to this, yes, you would have to go through a background check and attend classes to become foster parents. At least in CA you do.

I really and truly urge you to heed my advice. You don't have a clue as to what you could be getting yourself into.
 

Pliablemoose

Lifer
Oct 11, 1999
25,195
0
56
I really hear what HP is saying, I had custody of an ex stepdaughter for about a month, it was a living hell, and frankly could have ruined my life had my mother not moved in to help me at the time.

I ended up giving her back, some of the life experiences these kids have are permanent life changing things, just be glad you have what you do...
 

surfsatwerk

Lifer
Mar 6, 2008
10,110
5
81
Stay the fudge away from this kid. Being a saint is all noble and shit but if you're not professionally trained to deal with fucked up kids then you are not prepared.
 

lxskllr

No Lifer
Nov 30, 2004
58,525
8,800
126
I'll say this. Druggies are accomplished scam artists, and I'm intimately familiar with their tricks. This girl may be legit, but she could also be softening you up for a place to stay.

As I've said before, I hate people, but I'd have a hard time turning someone away who dropped in my lap. If it were me, I'd say fuck the legal stuff, and just let her stay with you. You need to be prepared for some hassle, and possibly have some of your things disappear from the house. If those terms are acceptable to you, go for it. It's never too late to give someone a good home and care :^)

Edit:
I think I misread. I thought the girl had drug issues. She very well may with her crappy upbringing, so the above advice still applies. But it may be a bit more positive if she's fairly straight.
 
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lykaon78

Golden Member
Sep 5, 2001
1,174
9
81
Depending on the state, the girl may be 18 by the time you get certified to be foster parents. Friends at church went through it recently and it took 6 months from start to finish while they waited for children services to complete multiple interviews, background checks, and home inspections. Not to mention all the mandatory training.

The couple were going through it for a baby so it may be that there are different rules for older kids.

With all that being said there is no greater gift you can give a kid so if you can swing it I'd say go for it.
 

JujuFish

Lifer
Feb 3, 2005
11,260
937
136
I was once a foster kid myself. I know first hand the kind of kids that bounce around between homes. Unless you're extremely well prepared and dedicated, stay away.
 

Homerboy

Lifer
Mar 1, 2000
30,890
5,001
126
so long story short, is you guys that are saying "Don't do it" are saying "screw kids that need a home because it's a hard thing to do"?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,019
156
106
You probably would have to be vetted to be foster parents, but no doubt you'd qualify. I would imagine it is possible to do so with the understanding you are doing it for this specific child. And through that process, I would think you could get background info on how her previous foster parents fared with her.

I understand your concern about behavior issues. I have family members who were foster parents to a 16-year-old girl for a few months. It was never intended to be long-term. The girl was a masterful liar, could produce tears on demand and knew how to "play nice" when other people were around. She didn't use drugs or steal, and her bad behaviors were just defense mechanisms she used. They told me about a time just before she left for another foster home when she broke down and cried about something and how it was the first time they saw "real tears" as opposed to the usual "fake tears", and they were able to see that she had actually dropped her "tough guy" persona for a short time. To them it meant she felt close enough to them to let her feelings show.

My point is that even if it's only for a short time, you could make a difference for this child just by modeling normal family life in a stable home.

What I find interesting is that she was well-behaved even when there was nothing to be gained from it, and she knew what good behavior was without being coerced into it. I would consider that a positive.

Could there be boy problems? Sure! She's 17 and pretty. But even if so it won't be the end of the world. I would imagine every parent who had a pretty 17-year-old girl has experienced it, and that is not unique to girls who have grown up in bad circumstances. You might be the ones who can help her navigate through this time without making horrible mistakes.

I would just expect to have some problems. She might steal. She might lie. She might be a 4-star drama queen who has screaming arguments all the time. Teens love to test boundaries and they have unlimited energy to do it with. And foster kids also can exhibit self-destructive behavior because they have low self-esteem. Decide what you could live with and what would be an automatic deal-breaker, then discuss those with the people who would work with you to get approved as foster parents. You'd want to know if your expectations are compatible with foster parenting.

If I was in your shoes I'd look very hard into what experiences the previous foster parents had with her. If they had serious problems beyond what you would be comfortable with, you can simply stop the process. If they didn't, you could decide if you want to give it a shot. It's not permanent. There will certainly be issues but the people who work with you through the process will help prepare you.

It's interesting to me that HappyPuppy warns you away from it, yet had taken in 43 kids himself over the years. He must have found some value in doing it. I interpret his post to mean that it's essential to know exactly what you are getting into before jumping in which seems like sound advice to me.

I think it's great that you are considering this and I hope it works out for everyone.
 

RadiclDreamer

Diamond Member
Aug 8, 2004
8,622
40
91
so long story short, is you guys that are saying "Don't do it" are saying "screw kids that need a home because it's a hard thing to do"?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

What did you expect? This is ATOT, birthplace of the internet tough guy
 

Qacer

Platinum Member
Apr 5, 2001
2,721
1
91
Do the right thing! Watch the movie "The Blind Side" for further inspiration.
 

Fritzo

Lifer
Jan 3, 2001
41,916
2,156
126
It's interesting to me that HappyPuppy warns you away from it, yet had taken in 43 kids himself over the years. He must have found some value in doing it. I interpret his post to mean that it's essential to know exactly what you are getting into before jumping in which seems like sound advice to me.

I think it's great that you are considering this and I hope it works out for everyone.

Thanks for the insight. We did some more checking and this girl's story is heartbreaking. Since her brother is directly related to us, we were going to set up a weekend sleepover for her and her brother. They get along with my kids great. We're going to get to know her a bit more with this method for a few months before we make any decisions.

If she's as sweet as she seems, she may be able to just move in with us when she turns 18.
 

x-alki

Golden Member
Jun 2, 2007
1,353
1
81
You might want to consider some sort of psych eval for the girl.

Best of luck to you!
 

Homerboy

Lifer
Mar 1, 2000
30,890
5,001
126
Thanks for the insight. We did some more checking and this girl's story is heartbreaking. Since her brother is directly related to us, we were going to set up a weekend sleepover for her and her brother. They get along with my kids great. We're going to get to know her a bit more with this method for a few months before we make any decisions.

If she's as sweet as she seems, she may be able to just move in with us when she turns 18.

Sounds like a great plan Fritzo! Best of luck to you with this! You could be making a HUGE difference in her life!
 

nace186

Platinum Member
Sep 16, 2006
2,356
0
76
If you decided not to become foster parent or it didn't work out. You can ask her to become your goddaughter. I'm sure something like that would be great too.