Okay, I'm stuck with these people. Help me not kill them.
Yesterday was a big party, at a random cousin's place. They requested especially that we bring the baby grandson, 18 months old. So we did. They wouldn't let us put him down on the floor (seriously!!!) because they didn't want him to touch anything. We couldn't feed him anything except vegetables because THE GUY IS A PEDIATRICIAN AND ANYTHING ELSE ISN'T HEALTHY. So there I am sneaking fruit, bread, cheese, chicken salad, etc because the poor kid is hungry. We had to change his diaper in the car because it would have been unsanitary in the house. The baby couldn't drink out of his sippy cup because it isn't good for him for some reason. He fell asleep for his nap, and the idiot relatives woke him up - he wasn't being social enough.
It went on and on.
We also, of course, brought my 13-yr-old son. The pediatrician's son isn't allowed to play with video games or watch TV, so he, my son, and another cousin sneaked off to sit in our car and play game boy. I knew that because I had to change the damned diapers out there. Did I mention that it was pouring rain? When it was noticed that the kids were missing, major panic. Discovery. It is all MY fault that the guys are going to grow up warped and twisted. Teens go inside. Take off shoes (white carpeting and furniture) but neglect to take off socks. For some unknown reason, dirty sockprints are also my fault. Did I mention that this is 2-3 hours into carring a toddler who desparately wants to get down and move? My son, with neurological problems, accidentally bumps into something. Massive yelling about how he should be more careful especially because he has a horrible disease (actual words used) not to inflict himself onto other more fortunate people.
Spouse has been called into another room to have a serious talk about somebody's impending divorce. I enter room to give baby to spouse so that I can take a leak. Screaming because I'm not allowed in that room. I don't care. I say so. Spouse asks me to be more tolerant. I resolve then and there to move to another country and change my name. Spouse is not allowed to take baby because it would interfere with their important talk.
I take baby and my son and drive to nearest McDonalds to use the bathroom. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Baby runs around like crazed animal - thank you McDonalds. Son asks some astute questions about sanity of spouse's family. We make some jokes. My cell phone rings, it is spouse, I turn it off. We make friends with another toddler's family. Discuss upcoming Yankee game and wonder whether Andy Pettitt feels really bad for breaking the pitching streak. They leave.
We return to relatives' house. Son refuses to go inside. Wisely, I think. They have waited until our return to do birthday cake. They insist that son come in and join in the "fun". I point out that son doesn't have any more clean socks. My attitude is roundly derided. I am ready to take blowtorch to the damned cake but I'm holding the irate screaming toddler, limiting my blowtorch prowess. They light the candles, sing happy birthday, I tell my spouse that I am driving home (3 hours) immediately since baby is about to nap. Spouse insists on staying just a few more minutes since long-lost relative is expected to turn up. I head for car, install baby, start ignition. Spouse appears.
Spouse laments that she didn't see enough of her relatives since she was shut up in a room discussing divorce the whole time. Wants to return soon. I consider driving off bridge but refrain. Fortunately Yankee pre-game show is on radio. Baby sleeps for 20 minutes and cries/whines the rest of the drive home.
And falls asleep the minute he gets out of the car.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Any suggestions for surviving future visits?
Yesterday was a big party, at a random cousin's place. They requested especially that we bring the baby grandson, 18 months old. So we did. They wouldn't let us put him down on the floor (seriously!!!) because they didn't want him to touch anything. We couldn't feed him anything except vegetables because THE GUY IS A PEDIATRICIAN AND ANYTHING ELSE ISN'T HEALTHY. So there I am sneaking fruit, bread, cheese, chicken salad, etc because the poor kid is hungry. We had to change his diaper in the car because it would have been unsanitary in the house. The baby couldn't drink out of his sippy cup because it isn't good for him for some reason. He fell asleep for his nap, and the idiot relatives woke him up - he wasn't being social enough.
It went on and on.
We also, of course, brought my 13-yr-old son. The pediatrician's son isn't allowed to play with video games or watch TV, so he, my son, and another cousin sneaked off to sit in our car and play game boy. I knew that because I had to change the damned diapers out there. Did I mention that it was pouring rain? When it was noticed that the kids were missing, major panic. Discovery. It is all MY fault that the guys are going to grow up warped and twisted. Teens go inside. Take off shoes (white carpeting and furniture) but neglect to take off socks. For some unknown reason, dirty sockprints are also my fault. Did I mention that this is 2-3 hours into carring a toddler who desparately wants to get down and move? My son, with neurological problems, accidentally bumps into something. Massive yelling about how he should be more careful especially because he has a horrible disease (actual words used) not to inflict himself onto other more fortunate people.
Spouse has been called into another room to have a serious talk about somebody's impending divorce. I enter room to give baby to spouse so that I can take a leak. Screaming because I'm not allowed in that room. I don't care. I say so. Spouse asks me to be more tolerant. I resolve then and there to move to another country and change my name. Spouse is not allowed to take baby because it would interfere with their important talk.
I take baby and my son and drive to nearest McDonalds to use the bathroom. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Baby runs around like crazed animal - thank you McDonalds. Son asks some astute questions about sanity of spouse's family. We make some jokes. My cell phone rings, it is spouse, I turn it off. We make friends with another toddler's family. Discuss upcoming Yankee game and wonder whether Andy Pettitt feels really bad for breaking the pitching streak. They leave.
We return to relatives' house. Son refuses to go inside. Wisely, I think. They have waited until our return to do birthday cake. They insist that son come in and join in the "fun". I point out that son doesn't have any more clean socks. My attitude is roundly derided. I am ready to take blowtorch to the damned cake but I'm holding the irate screaming toddler, limiting my blowtorch prowess. They light the candles, sing happy birthday, I tell my spouse that I am driving home (3 hours) immediately since baby is about to nap. Spouse insists on staying just a few more minutes since long-lost relative is expected to turn up. I head for car, install baby, start ignition. Spouse appears.
Spouse laments that she didn't see enough of her relatives since she was shut up in a room discussing divorce the whole time. Wants to return soon. I consider driving off bridge but refrain. Fortunately Yankee pre-game show is on radio. Baby sleeps for 20 minutes and cries/whines the rest of the drive home.
And falls asleep the minute he gets out of the car.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Any suggestions for surviving future visits?
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