Name that Comedian

[SlitheryDee]

I really just want to hear your favorite comedy bits...but don't tell me who the comedian is. Everyone won't be able to produce something like mine because I trascribed from the CD, but make it as verbatim as you can.

So here's mine...not really my favorite but seemed like it might be tough to guess. Anyone know who's bit this is?

"Well. Smokers thank you, thank you guys. Just smoke away huh? Don?t Worry about us. Ok. How many many smokers do we have here tonight. Smokers? *weak cheer/applause* Heh Oh boy listen to that energy they can pump out at will *nasty coughing noise*. Thank you guys that was a valiant effort on your parts. Listen to this. How many nonsmokers do we have here tonight. Nonsmokers! *strong applause/cheering* Hear that? Buncha whining little maggots aren?t they? Aren?t they? Obnoxious self righteous slugs. I?d quit smoking if I didn?t think I?d become one of them."

 

[kyparrish]

Sounds like old Carlin.

 

[kyparrish]

Here's another:

"...but I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton...that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton....I've done that way more."

 

[Brainonska511]

:music:Hellllloooooooooooo, I'm a caaaaaaaaaaarrrr... gasoline makes me run, back seat! Trunk space! Helllloooooo, let's go for a riiiiddeee, oil is my blood! Seat belts! Radio knobs! ...":music:

 

[SlitheryDee]

Originally posted by: kyparrish
Here's another:

"...but I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton...that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton....I've done that way more."

Mitch Hedburg

 

[anxi80]

so all my friends have kids now... which i think is rude. the thing that bothers me is they swear that 'oh man, im not going to be like that guy who's going to bore you with all those stories. y'know, trust me man. we know what it was like when dennis had his kids'. they say that, absolutely up to the day the baby comes out and then *boom!*, amnesia memory erased. then they start regaling you with these wonderfully, long winded boring stories that the kid did. i think its our obligation as friends to say to them, "im sorry, but your baby is f*ckin' bor-ing! bor-ing!". and all my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids 'ohh, it's so hard.' that's not hard. you wanna know what hard is? try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Originally posted by: anxi80
so all my friends have kids now... which i think is rude. the thing that bothers me is they swear that 'oh man, im not going to be like that guy who's going to bore you with all those stories. y'know, trust me man. we know what it was like when dennis had his kids'. they say that, absolutely up to the day the baby comes out and then *boom!*, amnesia memory erased. then they start regaling you with these wonderfully, long winded boring stories that the kid did. i think its our obligation as friends to say to them, "im sorry, but your baby is f*ckin' bor-ing! bor-ing!". and all my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids 'ohh, it's so hard.' that's not hard. you wanna know what hard is? try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.

Gonna say Dennis Leary.

 

[anxi80]

Originally posted by: SlitheryDee

Originally posted by: anxi80
so all my friends have kids now... which i think is rude. the thing that bothers me is they swear that 'oh man, im not going to be like that guy who's going to bore you with all those stories. y'know, trust me man. we know what it was like when dennis had his kids'. they say that, absolutely up to the day the baby comes out and then *boom!*, amnesia memory erased. then they start regaling you with these wonderfully, long winded boring stories that the kid did. i think its our obligation as friends to say to them, "im sorry, but your baby is f*ckin' bor-ing! bor-ing!". and all my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids 'ohh, it's so hard.' that's not hard. you wanna know what hard is? try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.

Gonna say Dennis Leary.

nope, sorry. the name dennis is just a random name/character used for the purpose of telling the story.

 

[Dr. Detroit]

Originally posted by: anxi80

Originally posted by: SlitheryDee

Originally posted by: anxi80
so all my friends have kids now... which i think is rude. the thing that bothers me is they swear that 'oh man, im not going to be like that guy who's going to bore you with all those stories. y'know, trust me man. we know what it was like when dennis had his kids'. they say that, absolutely up to the day the baby comes out and then *boom!*, amnesia memory erased. then they start regaling you with these wonderfully, long winded boring stories that the kid did. i think its our obligation as friends to say to them, "im sorry, but your baby is f*ckin' bor-ing! bor-ing!". and all my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids 'ohh, it's so hard.' that's not hard. you wanna know what hard is? try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion.

Gonna say Dennis Leary.

nope, sorry. the name dennis is just a random name/character used for the purpose of telling the story.

Titus?

 

[anxi80]

actually the comedian is david cross. its off track 1 of his 'its not funny' cd. its funny to me because after he says that the crowd lets out a huge 'i cant believe he just said that' groan and a lady in the crowd actually expresses some dismay over that last line.

 

[SlitheryDee]

Originally posted by: anxi80
actually the comedian is david cross. its off track 1 of his 'its not funny' cd. its funny to me because after he says that the crowd lets out a huge 'i cant believe he just said that' groan and a lady in the crowd actually expresses some dismay over that last line.

OMG I can't believe I didn't get that one. I KNEW I had heard that before.


Anyway this is the same comedian I quoted in the OP.

"Does anyone remember this? When Yul Brynner died and came out with that commercial after he was dead? Does anyone remember that? 'I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now.' WTF is this guy selling? Guy crawled through the earth to get a residual check here. 'I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes.'.

It's pretty frightening y'know? But they could have done that with anybody. They could have done it with that Jim Fix guy just as easily. 'I'm Jim Fix and I'm dead now.... I don't know how the fvck it happened.' 'I jogged every day, swam 500 laps every morning, ate nothing but tofu, I'm dead.' Yul Brynner drank, smoked, and got laid every night of his life, he's dead. Sh!t."

 

[Amplifier]

it all sounds like bill hicks

 

[SlitheryDee]

Originally posted by: Amplifier
it all sounds like bill hicks

bingo