My uc personal statement
- Thread starter narutofan36
- Start date
1. do not start a sentence with the word "And"
2. spell out things like didn't or couldn't (write did not and could not)
3. why were you interested in the medical profession?
4. mealy?
5. cliffs would look as follows as relating to prompt
-went to shitty school where no one cared about me
-realized I would have to educate myself if I was ever going to get anywhere in life
-found you could educate yourself and wasn't the shit everyone made you out to be
-think the answer to progressing is education (but you leave out the part that you had to put effort in as well for it to truly work in the end where you are making your conclusions/assertions)
-are bitter at the people who expected you to fail
now ask yourself if this is how you would want people to interpret what you wrote. If there is not a word limit and you have room to write more then I would suggest adding more detail. I can see the point you are trying to make but it doesn't really come out of what you wrote.
2. spell out things like didn't or couldn't (write did not and could not)
3. why were you interested in the medical profession?
4. mealy?
5. cliffs would look as follows as relating to prompt
-went to shitty school where no one cared about me
-realized I would have to educate myself if I was ever going to get anywhere in life
-found you could educate yourself and wasn't the shit everyone made you out to be
-think the answer to progressing is education (but you leave out the part that you had to put effort in as well for it to truly work in the end where you are making your conclusions/assertions)
-are bitter at the people who expected you to fail
now ask yourself if this is how you would want people to interpret what you wrote. If there is not a word limit and you have room to write more then I would suggest adding more detail. I can see the point you are trying to make but it doesn't really come out of what you wrote.
Ricemarine
Lifer
- Sep 10, 2004
- 10,507
- 0
- 0
Take my suggestions with a grain of salt (since I'm a current freshman/junior in college)
[*]How many times do you use "I"?...
[*]It seems after the sentence starting with "However" you started rambling with no cohesion/transition
[*]Past tense vs present tense
[*]It seems you appreciated knowing you learned something from the complexities of the medical field more than the whole purpose for the medical courses and finding your sense of purpose in life.
[*]I don't see the correlation between medical school and gaining different view points and opinions of others
[*] Second to last sentence is LIES (if you're referring to the education system in place).
[*]There are too many grammatical errors towards the end.
Really seems like you bsed the end to be blunt.
Edit: I would have to agree with dlx22... It seems you're totally bitter for those who wanted you to fail. It also makes you have less credibility of you being a good student because the first thing that pops in my mind is "that's what a rapper would say..."
[*]How many times do you use "I"?...
[*]It seems after the sentence starting with "However" you started rambling with no cohesion/transition
[*]Past tense vs present tense
[*]It seems you appreciated knowing you learned something from the complexities of the medical field more than the whole purpose for the medical courses and finding your sense of purpose in life.
[*]I don't see the correlation between medical school and gaining different view points and opinions of others
[*] Second to last sentence is LIES (if you're referring to the education system in place).
[*]There are too many grammatical errors towards the end.
Really seems like you bsed the end to be blunt.
Edit: I would have to agree with dlx22... It seems you're totally bitter for those who wanted you to fail. It also makes you have less credibility of you being a good student because the first thing that pops in my mind is "that's what a rapper would say..."
A quick glance...
teachers expected little of me
little [effort, work, etc. is suggested by this sentence] from me, but it seems you want to say they don't think you'll make something of yourself. Thus, "of me."
If I were to continue to participate
I was elevating myself to a new level of understanding - "fancy" nonsense, especially in that context. Just tell it how it is. You were learning to fix that ("how little I knew about the medical field").
Take out the last sentence. It adds to the bitterness and negativity (even with the "celebrate" bit, there are hints of bitterness throughout). You might want to spin the whole response to be a little more hopeful.
teachers expected little of me
little [effort, work, etc. is suggested by this sentence] from me, but it seems you want to say they don't think you'll make something of yourself. Thus, "of me."
If I were to continue to participate
I was elevating myself to a new level of understanding - "fancy" nonsense, especially in that context. Just tell it how it is. You were learning to fix that ("how little I knew about the medical field").
Take out the last sentence. It adds to the bitterness and negativity (even with the "celebrate" bit, there are hints of bitterness throughout). You might want to spin the whole response to be a little more hopeful.
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