- Sep 21, 2001
- 18,447
- 133
- 106
Backstory: my co-worker's new boss put some of that mushy gushy feel good chicken soup type stuff on his desk. My coworker is not at ALL the type of guy to appreciate that; his attitude is more, "what the hell is this crap?"
Since our computers were tied up processing data, we added to each of the "Life Lessons" in this little article. I thought I'd share - and please add your own endings to each!
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1. Sing in the shower. Nobody wants to hear you anywhere else.
2. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated. Eventually ?you suck? will be an expression of endearment.
3. Watch a sunrise at least once a year. But pick a foggy day and then complain for the rest of the year how overrated sunrises are.
4. Leave the toilet seat in the down position. Or laugh really hard when you don?t and she falls in.
5. Never refuse homemade brownies. But always refuse any subsequent drug tests.
6. Strive for excellence, not perfection. However, if there?s a perfectionist on your team, you?re screwed.
7. Plant a tree on your birthday. And shoot a spotted owl.
8. Learn three clean jokes. So everyone will know how unfunny you are.
9. Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full. But get AM/PM gas because it?s cheapest.
10. Compliment three people every day. ?You look like the queen of the undead today,? is a compliment.
11. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. There?s no better way to guilt them into doing things for you.
12. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Since one man?s trash is another man?s treasure, trashing stuff is really leaving it better for the next person.
13. Keep it simple. Most people still won?t be able to follow it.
14. Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. There?s a dirty joke in there somewhere but #8 prohibits me from telling it.
15. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. Do this by hanging out with only negative people.
16. Floss your teeth. I got nothing.
17. Ask for a raise when you feel you?ve earned it. Getting shot down is a great reality check!
18. Be forgiving of yourself and others. But make them crawl first.
19. Overtip breakfast waitresses. Take it out of the lunch and dinner tips.
20. Say ?thank you? a lot. It just rubs in the fact that you?re giving orders they have to follow.
21. Say ?please? a lot. It makes the crack of the whip that much more surprising.
22. Avoid negative people. This is in direct contradiction to #15.
23. Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards. Then set it on fire in front of them. Bonus points for baseball cards or teddy bears.
24. Wear polished shoes. And nothing else. Then do #17
25. Remember other people?s birthdays. Never let them forget their age.
26. Commit yourself to constant improvement. Of others.
27. Carry jumper cables in your trunk. Then lie about it when you?re asked for help.
28. Have a firm handshake. It?s easy to hurt people with delicate hands.
29. Sends lots of Valentines cards. Sign them, ?someone who thinks you?re terrific.? Do this on the 4th of July and say, ?sorry it?s late. You?re not on my ?important? list.?
30. Look people in the eye. See if you can stare them into submission.
31. Be the first to say Hello. That means you control the conversation. Bonus points for not letting them get a word in edgewise.
32. Use the good silver. Pocket it on your way out.
33. Return all the things you borrow. Remember that technically it?s not borrowing if they don?t know you took it.
34. Make new friends but cherish the old ones. And keep them apart so they never compare notes.
35. Keep secrets. Especially from your spouse.
36. Sing in a choir. For those special times when Chinese water torture isn?t enough.
37. Plant flowers in the spring. So you can step on the summer blooms.
38. Have a dog. Pitbulls are especially good at keeping the neighbors away.
39. Always accept an outstretched hand. The more people you can pull down to your level, the better.
40. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area in your life. Then blame your parents for all of it.
41. Wave at kids on school buses. Statistically, 1 out of 500 will wind up in jail.
42. Be there when people need you. ?There? is the new bar downtown.
43. Feed a stranger?s expired parking meter. Sue the stranger when you get arrested for doing so.
44. Don?t expect life to be fair. Make it unfair in your favor.
45. Never underestimate the power of love. But don?t try to use it to run your car either.
46. Drink champagne for no reason at all. Getting plastered is reason enough.
47. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Expletives are exclamations.
48. Don?t be afraid to say, ?I made a mistake.? The police can rarely find the bodies anyway.
49. Don?t be afraid to say, ?I don?t know.? Amnesia makes a plausible defense.
50. Compliment even small improvements. Make it clear you don?t expect any big ones.
51. Keep your promises (no matter what). Threats count as promises.
52. Marry only for love. Love can?t run your car but you can probably get your husband or wife to push it.
53. Rekindle old friendships. They may be good for a ?loan? by now.
54. Count your blessings. If you need more than one hand, you have the wrong definition of blessing.
55. Call your mother. If you use a pay phone, she won?t recognize the number and may actually pick up.
Since our computers were tied up processing data, we added to each of the "Life Lessons" in this little article. I thought I'd share - and please add your own endings to each!
-----------------
1. Sing in the shower. Nobody wants to hear you anywhere else.
2. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated. Eventually ?you suck? will be an expression of endearment.
3. Watch a sunrise at least once a year. But pick a foggy day and then complain for the rest of the year how overrated sunrises are.
4. Leave the toilet seat in the down position. Or laugh really hard when you don?t and she falls in.
5. Never refuse homemade brownies. But always refuse any subsequent drug tests.
6. Strive for excellence, not perfection. However, if there?s a perfectionist on your team, you?re screwed.
7. Plant a tree on your birthday. And shoot a spotted owl.
8. Learn three clean jokes. So everyone will know how unfunny you are.
9. Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full. But get AM/PM gas because it?s cheapest.
10. Compliment three people every day. ?You look like the queen of the undead today,? is a compliment.
11. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them. There?s no better way to guilt them into doing things for you.
12. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Since one man?s trash is another man?s treasure, trashing stuff is really leaving it better for the next person.
13. Keep it simple. Most people still won?t be able to follow it.
14. Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. There?s a dirty joke in there somewhere but #8 prohibits me from telling it.
15. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. Do this by hanging out with only negative people.
16. Floss your teeth. I got nothing.
17. Ask for a raise when you feel you?ve earned it. Getting shot down is a great reality check!
18. Be forgiving of yourself and others. But make them crawl first.
19. Overtip breakfast waitresses. Take it out of the lunch and dinner tips.
20. Say ?thank you? a lot. It just rubs in the fact that you?re giving orders they have to follow.
21. Say ?please? a lot. It makes the crack of the whip that much more surprising.
22. Avoid negative people. This is in direct contradiction to #15.
23. Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards. Then set it on fire in front of them. Bonus points for baseball cards or teddy bears.
24. Wear polished shoes. And nothing else. Then do #17
25. Remember other people?s birthdays. Never let them forget their age.
26. Commit yourself to constant improvement. Of others.
27. Carry jumper cables in your trunk. Then lie about it when you?re asked for help.
28. Have a firm handshake. It?s easy to hurt people with delicate hands.
29. Sends lots of Valentines cards. Sign them, ?someone who thinks you?re terrific.? Do this on the 4th of July and say, ?sorry it?s late. You?re not on my ?important? list.?
30. Look people in the eye. See if you can stare them into submission.
31. Be the first to say Hello. That means you control the conversation. Bonus points for not letting them get a word in edgewise.
32. Use the good silver. Pocket it on your way out.
33. Return all the things you borrow. Remember that technically it?s not borrowing if they don?t know you took it.
34. Make new friends but cherish the old ones. And keep them apart so they never compare notes.
35. Keep secrets. Especially from your spouse.
36. Sing in a choir. For those special times when Chinese water torture isn?t enough.
37. Plant flowers in the spring. So you can step on the summer blooms.
38. Have a dog. Pitbulls are especially good at keeping the neighbors away.
39. Always accept an outstretched hand. The more people you can pull down to your level, the better.
40. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area in your life. Then blame your parents for all of it.
41. Wave at kids on school buses. Statistically, 1 out of 500 will wind up in jail.
42. Be there when people need you. ?There? is the new bar downtown.
43. Feed a stranger?s expired parking meter. Sue the stranger when you get arrested for doing so.
44. Don?t expect life to be fair. Make it unfair in your favor.
45. Never underestimate the power of love. But don?t try to use it to run your car either.
46. Drink champagne for no reason at all. Getting plastered is reason enough.
47. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Expletives are exclamations.
48. Don?t be afraid to say, ?I made a mistake.? The police can rarely find the bodies anyway.
49. Don?t be afraid to say, ?I don?t know.? Amnesia makes a plausible defense.
50. Compliment even small improvements. Make it clear you don?t expect any big ones.
51. Keep your promises (no matter what). Threats count as promises.
52. Marry only for love. Love can?t run your car but you can probably get your husband or wife to push it.
53. Rekindle old friendships. They may be good for a ?loan? by now.
54. Count your blessings. If you need more than one hand, you have the wrong definition of blessing.
55. Call your mother. If you use a pay phone, she won?t recognize the number and may actually pick up.
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