I recently came across this article here: Men's Health. Now any and all advice one gets from Maxim or Men's Health should be taken with a grain of salt. It's basically Cosmo for men. But this article really pissed me off. How are women gonna tell men what to do? WHO DOES THIS BI[bleep]THINK SHE MOTHA[bleep]IN IS?!
So what I did was write a witty response to each one of these asinane "Requests" from women (Article in bold, my text in regular):
41 WAYS TO MELT A WOMAN?S HEART
After that, you?re on your own
by Nicole Beland
1. Ask her to dance.
Sorry, men don't dance
2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
Well if she weren't being such a bitch and so goddamn stubborn, we wouldn't have gone outside in the first place. I told her it was going to get real windy! but did she listen?!
3. When she?s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
No thanks, I like my spot on the couch.
4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
And pop her back zits while you're at it.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
Then give her a spank on the ass when she meets your porn directing uncle Ronny.
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
This is where you express the thought "God I wish you looked like that" without actually saying anything. She can't tell
7. Call her when you?re feeling sad.
Then tell her about you day. Then break up with her cause you're gay!
8. Kiss her eyelids.
What? You want me to lick your eyeball too? "You got something your eye honey.."
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
I'm not using it in my child pornography ring, I Swear!
10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
I'll buy you sh¡t and make out with you, but do I look like a dishwasher!? That's your job honey.
11. If she?s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
Just tell her that. Minutes later tell her you got a flat going down the block and you can't make it. Sorry babe!
12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
Fine, I agree with this one.
13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
"Donna Emily Joseph, WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANDWICH!"
14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
So she'll have something to smash when she breaks up with you
15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
Its bad enough I'm paying $6 for the latte, but I gotta be her waiter too?
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
Then take pictures. Sell them to your favorite porn site for profit.
17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
Then realize it was last week. Don't mention anything about anniversarys. You're better off studying biology or something than trying to memorize all the damn dates she wants you to. "Did you know our first kiss in the movie theatres on Wednesday anniversary is coming up?" "No, but I can cure cancer!"
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
Pictures of you bangin' her sister cause you know you're breakin up anyway.
19. When she?s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
Try not to laugh. You might get laid here!
20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
"See you hell bitch! I'm going to Cancun with my new Asian stripper girlfriend!"
21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
I think she meant don't yell at your girl to hurry up when she's picking your stuff up off the floor.
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she?s feeling down.
Try to make yourself laugh, cause you're in for a long night
23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
"God, I wish my girlfriend wasn't here. This sucks without the guys and couple beers."
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
Whipe that sh¡t ALL OVER her arm!
25. Shave just before you see her. She?ll notice.
Once you whip it out in front of her
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
Choke the hell out of her till she passes out. When she wakes up she won't remember!
27. Worship her breasts.
No argument here.
28. Give her jewelry.
How about a ring-pop. Hey, it got me laid in 8th grade.
29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
The third one is for you to wrap up and slap her ass with.
30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
"Right... so won't be coming home till 8?" This gives you time to replace her cat that you ran over.
31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
"Whatcha eatin'?" "Nut N' Bitch!"
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
This conversation includes you telling you cheated on her.
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
Sorry, I don't screw up
34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
Throw her in it.
35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
/slow motion voice: "GrrrrrrrrrrrOANN! OHHHHHHHH MEGGGGG AHHHHN. THHHHHHHHISIS AWWWWWWWWWWWWESOMMMMMMMME!"
36. Read her a story when it?s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
It's called the "I'm going to sleep" story. "The end."
37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
And she didn't realize it was you that broke it.
38. Notice when she?s wearing something new.
No crap, you paid $300 for it! She better be wearing it.
39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
I'll lean on the wall, and she'll go down. Sounds good!
40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
Proceed to get your ASS BEAT DOWN.
41. If she?s too stressed to want sex . . .
a. Draw a bath for her.
No thanks, just push her in the shower
b. Give her a full-body massage.
And by full body massage you mean instructions on how to make you a sandwich
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
Your hot neighbor. Naked. In a pool of Jell-O
I'm just kiddin ladies you know I love you!
Thanks for reading cause that took forever to write. It's a joke, so don't take it too seriously.
So what I did was write a witty response to each one of these asinane "Requests" from women (Article in bold, my text in regular):
41 WAYS TO MELT A WOMAN?S HEART
After that, you?re on your own
by Nicole Beland
1. Ask her to dance.
Sorry, men don't dance
2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
Well if she weren't being such a bitch and so goddamn stubborn, we wouldn't have gone outside in the first place. I told her it was going to get real windy! but did she listen?!
3. When she?s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
No thanks, I like my spot on the couch.
4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
And pop her back zits while you're at it.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
Then give her a spank on the ass when she meets your porn directing uncle Ronny.
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
This is where you express the thought "God I wish you looked like that" without actually saying anything. She can't tell
7. Call her when you?re feeling sad.
Then tell her about you day. Then break up with her cause you're gay!
8. Kiss her eyelids.
What? You want me to lick your eyeball too? "You got something your eye honey.."
9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
I'm not using it in my child pornography ring, I Swear!
10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
I'll buy you sh¡t and make out with you, but do I look like a dishwasher!? That's your job honey.
11. If she?s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
Just tell her that. Minutes later tell her you got a flat going down the block and you can't make it. Sorry babe!
12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
Fine, I agree with this one.
13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
"Donna Emily Joseph, WHERE THE HELL IS MY SANDWICH!"
14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
So she'll have something to smash when she breaks up with you
15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
Its bad enough I'm paying $6 for the latte, but I gotta be her waiter too?
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
Then take pictures. Sell them to your favorite porn site for profit.
17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
Then realize it was last week. Don't mention anything about anniversarys. You're better off studying biology or something than trying to memorize all the damn dates she wants you to. "Did you know our first kiss in the movie theatres on Wednesday anniversary is coming up?" "No, but I can cure cancer!"
18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
Pictures of you bangin' her sister cause you know you're breakin up anyway.
19. When she?s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
Try not to laugh. You might get laid here!
20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
"See you hell bitch! I'm going to Cancun with my new Asian stripper girlfriend!"
21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
I think she meant don't yell at your girl to hurry up when she's picking your stuff up off the floor.
22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she?s feeling down.
Try to make yourself laugh, cause you're in for a long night
23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
"God, I wish my girlfriend wasn't here. This sucks without the guys and couple beers."
24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
Whipe that sh¡t ALL OVER her arm!
25. Shave just before you see her. She?ll notice.
Once you whip it out in front of her
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
Choke the hell out of her till she passes out. When she wakes up she won't remember!
27. Worship her breasts.
No argument here.
28. Give her jewelry.
How about a ring-pop. Hey, it got me laid in 8th grade.
29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
The third one is for you to wrap up and slap her ass with.
30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
"Right... so won't be coming home till 8?" This gives you time to replace her cat that you ran over.
31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
"Whatcha eatin'?" "Nut N' Bitch!"
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
This conversation includes you telling you cheated on her.
33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
Sorry, I don't screw up
34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
Throw her in it.
35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
/slow motion voice: "GrrrrrrrrrrrOANN! OHHHHHHHH MEGGGGG AHHHHN. THHHHHHHHISIS AWWWWWWWWWWWWESOMMMMMMMME!"
36. Read her a story when it?s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
It's called the "I'm going to sleep" story. "The end."
37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
And she didn't realize it was you that broke it.
38. Notice when she?s wearing something new.
No crap, you paid $300 for it! She better be wearing it.
39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
I'll lean on the wall, and she'll go down. Sounds good!
40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
Proceed to get your ASS BEAT DOWN.
41. If she?s too stressed to want sex . . .
a. Draw a bath for her.
No thanks, just push her in the shower
b. Give her a full-body massage.
And by full body massage you mean instructions on how to make you a sandwich
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
Your hot neighbor. Naked. In a pool of Jell-O
I'm just kiddin ladies you know I love you!
Thanks for reading cause that took forever to write. It's a joke, so don't take it too seriously.
Facebook
Twitter