My girlfriend is getting an arranged Marriage - what should I do?

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K

knoahbear

Member
Mar 20, 2001
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We've been together for 2 years, and for a long time she was pretty sure she could go against her family and do what she wanted, but now she's convinced there is no way out. The guy hasn't even been chosen yet, but her mother assures her that she'll set up within a year. Though she grew up entirely within the states, her family is pakistani and Muslim. I am Jewish and white - out of the question. She loves me and wants us to stay together until the arrangement is actually made.

Besides this coming "doom," things are very good and we have a wonderful relationship. But I don't know if it's good for me to stay when I could be free to date someone who is free. I think arranged marriages are bunk and I love her, but I have no voice in the matter.

What should I do?
 
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Noriaki

Lifer
Jun 3, 2000
13,640
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She's going through with an arranged marriage but wants you to stay with her until then?

I dunno about you, but I would say no thank you.
 
A

amdforlife

Banned
Apr 2, 2001
1,012
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jew and muslim going out? i never thought id see the day. the 2 of you must be going thru some rebellious stage...
 
K

knoahbear

Member
Mar 20, 2001
129
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No, but she doesn't have to. I'm not super religious and our community is accepting of non-converts.
 
N

nomahe

Banned
May 21, 2001
344
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I would stick around if she just wanted sex, but, if she wanted to be friends and crap I'd say cya.
 
F

Fearlss1

Golden Member
Dec 28, 2000
1,044
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MAn yes that is Hard. But think of how hard it would be to stay with her without her parents Approval.. I mean Yeah everyoen says Its your choice who you live with.. But when it comes down to the end.. You would spend all holidays without her Family. Which I think when she found this out she would leave anyway.. Its too hard to do this all alone.. But Man love is also once in a life finding.... I belive you only find " TRUE" love once. Its your choice rather you keep it? However if she has allready agree to this arranged marriage then I say leave.. If you free a bird and it comes back, Then it was always yours. If it flies away and never looks back.. then it wasnt yours to begin with.. Sorry this post was so hypocritical but there are always 2 suggestions to ever problem..
-Nate
Hope all goes well..
 
H

happykitten

Golden Member
Feb 6, 2001
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I'm sorry to hear that... rough call. It sounds like your girlfriend is willing to abide by her parents' rules and traditions, correct? You mentioned she wants to stay with you "until the arrangement is actually made."

At this point, if you care about her enough and want to continue spending time with her until the day the arrangement is made, go for it. Enjoy the time you have left together. It's really up to you - if you think that staying together would be pointless and would rather be dating someone else since your current relationship is guaranteed to end sometime soon, then go ahead, break it off now, and date someone else.

I'm proud of you for respecting her and her family's decision, and wish you both the very best of luck.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with arranged marriages. I have friends who are going to be set up with husbands thanks to their families, and they're all very happy and excited about it. I could never do it myself (thanks to the Western romanticized "let's fall in love before getting married" ideology), but I respect and admire those who do.

The divorce rate among those who are in arranged marriages is almost zero. Before anyone goes bashing arranged marriages, compare that to the USA's going rate - over 6 out of 10 American marriages will end in divorce. All the people I know who are in arranged marriages are very happy together.

Hoping to be part of the 4 out of 10,
~kitten >^.^<
 
G

Gandu

Member
May 13, 2001
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Dude I come from a South Asian family too and according to what I know, these families are very strict about the way the weddings goes, especially for their daughters. Most of the time its arranged and I hate that myself. I don't know what to tell you, but depending if she's &quot;Sunni&quot;(there are three type of muslims in Pakistan, Sunni, Ahmadi and Shia, sorry if I made typos) and goes against her family shes most likely to be kicked out of house :( thats just the way it goes in these families.
 
S

schoolsucks

Senior member
Apr 17, 2001
548
0
0


<< Dude I come from a South Asian family too and according to what I know, these families are very strict about the way the weddings goes, especially for their daughters. Most of the time its arranged and I hate that myself. I don't know what to tell you, but depending if she's &quot;Sunni&quot;(there are three type of muslims in Pakistan, Sunni, Ahmadi and Shia, sorry if I made typos) and goes against her family shes most likely to be kicked out of house :( thats just the way it goes in these families. >>



I agree to that, but don't stereotype anyone by saying that she will be killed.
 
kranky

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,014
137
106
If she's 21 and willing to enter an arranged marriage, what more can be said? You'd just be the middle-inning reliever until the closer shows up in the 9th. There would be nothing to gain by sticking around until the inevitable. As hard as it might be, you need to move on now. Good luck.
 
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schoolsucks

Senior member
Apr 17, 2001
548
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0
Explain me this. You guys most likely had sex togather. So her arranged marriage husband is gonna accept a non-virgin?
 
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Mikal

Platinum Member
Apr 11, 2001
2,359
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I could start a rant about religion but nobody seems to appreciate that.....
 
A

Atlantean

Diamond Member
May 2, 2001
5,296
1
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Yeah spend as much time as possible with her and then maybe she will change her mind, or you could ask the parents to arrange a wedding between your two families but not sure if that would work
 
K

knoahbear

Member
Mar 20, 2001
129
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She's a part of a very exclusive sect of Islam - Amithy (sp?) - the &quot;72nd&quot; who believe the next prophet has already come. I really don't care much for it - and neither does she, but you are right, they are very strict. The fact is that her parents will be ostricized for allowing her to marry a jew. They are motivated by fear. Other than that, both her mom and dad like me and get along with me fine.

I think arranged marriages have low divorce rates because of the same community and religious pressures that bring them about. I don't like it because I don't hage the same option. There is no girl just waiting for me should I fail at love. I have to do this all myself.

I really feel like if we break up, it should be because we just don't get along, not becuase of this pressure, but alas...

And outside of this, it really does feel like true love. Do I really only have one?
 
K

knoahbear

Member
Mar 20, 2001
129
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Yes, of course we've had sex. And I'm not even her first - but her family will just lie about it. The fact is, if she marries some dork fresh off the boat, he's likely to be a virgin. How sad!
 
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schoolsucks

Senior member
Apr 17, 2001
548
0
0


<< Yes, of course we've had sex. And I'm not even her first - but her family will just lie about it. The fact is, if she marries some dork fresh off the boat, he's likely to be a virgin. How sad! >>



Hey now, don't turn this into a virgin bashing thread.
 
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