A friend of mine, who worked with me from time to time, put a .22 to his head on Monday night after getting home from the bar. He was going through a divorce from his wife (it had just finalized) and had troubles in the past with prescription drug abuse stemming from an accident a few years back.
We saw him at the bar monday, he was trying to get back with his wife. Several people at the bar got on his ass for pestering her about it, and indeed several people yelled at him monday night. From what I was told yesterday he left the bar and called two people, leaving voicemails on their cell phones. One was to his ex, telling her that he had nothing left to live for. When she left the bar and got the message notification, she called county police who discovered him. Word was he had threatened this in the past, but it had gotten to the point of "the boy who cried wolf". But this was mostly private to his ex, and none of the people in our close knit friendship circle knew this about him. It was a shock to all of us.
Anyways, he was airlifted to a larger city nearby and put on life support, but declared brain dead. Me and my GF (who is a bartender at the beforementioned bar) drove down to the hospital yesterday to say goodbye to him before they pulled the plugs and maybe make peace with what had happened. When we got there, his health was rapidly deteriorating. His ex told us he was entering the dying process and that it could be an hour, or 12 hours. We entered the ICU room with his family and his ex, and just sort of stood around crying. His right eye socket was greatly swollen from the wound near his right ear.
His ex bent over him and whispered in his ear that me and my GF were in the room. He was brain dead, but right after she said that a tear came down his left cheek.
About five minutes after we arrived the chaplain came in. My friends heart rate, as shown on the monitor, was dropping rapidly from about 60 beats a minute. It went down to 59, then 58, then 57. It continued falling as he gasped for air, foam coming out of his mouth. The chaplain started to say a prayer as his heart rate got to about 45. It was not an easy prayer to take, and I'm certainly not a religious man anyways. The chaplain finished the prayer as his heart rate slipped to 29, then flatlined.
It was something I had certainly not expected to see as we had come only to show support to his family and to say a last goodbye to what we thought would be his body on life support. I've seen the aftermath of death from fire, accidents, and the like several times as a photojournalist, but there is something oddly strange about watching a man, especially a friend, as their life slips away.
I'd like to think that the tear coming down his cheek meant something, that he had waited for us to visit before allowing himself to pass on. That he had waited to hear my girlfriend say that despite his problems that she loved him, and that she didn't mean what she had said when she yelled at him prior to him leaving the bar and killing himself. Who knows if that's the case or not, but that's how I will remember it.
Friday night we had played pool together at the bar for about half an hour. It was the last time I talked with him apart from a casual hello as I walked into the bar on monday night when he shot himself. As friends we had certainly talked with each other over beers for long nights before. But on friday as we played pool he began to recount with details what had been happening with the divorce (I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks). He started talking real serious, and told me that I couldn't take my girlfriend for granted, that I needed to cherish her, and life itself, every chance that I got. I of course didn't think anything of it at the time, just thought he was drunk and getting "deep" because he was a little depressed about the divorce. I failed to see the signs of what he was thinking about. For that, I cannot feel guilty. I feel incredibly sad about not knowing how much pain he was in, but be killed himself and no one else is to blame for it. About all that I can do is take those last words and remember them, and try to apply them to my life.
And I guess that's why I'm posting this here. Know your friends, and be aware of the signs of suicide, even in someone you'd never expect it from. And god dammit, don't do it if you are thinking about it. I've been through the depression cycles before, been on the edge before. Never did I realize how much you hurt the ones around you when you take your own life. Its a fvcking selfish thing to do.
Cherish life, whether it be your own or that of your friends and family. Don't take anything for granted.
My friend's name was Bret. He was 34.
R.I.P. Bret.
:brokenheart:
We saw him at the bar monday, he was trying to get back with his wife. Several people at the bar got on his ass for pestering her about it, and indeed several people yelled at him monday night. From what I was told yesterday he left the bar and called two people, leaving voicemails on their cell phones. One was to his ex, telling her that he had nothing left to live for. When she left the bar and got the message notification, she called county police who discovered him. Word was he had threatened this in the past, but it had gotten to the point of "the boy who cried wolf". But this was mostly private to his ex, and none of the people in our close knit friendship circle knew this about him. It was a shock to all of us.
Anyways, he was airlifted to a larger city nearby and put on life support, but declared brain dead. Me and my GF (who is a bartender at the beforementioned bar) drove down to the hospital yesterday to say goodbye to him before they pulled the plugs and maybe make peace with what had happened. When we got there, his health was rapidly deteriorating. His ex told us he was entering the dying process and that it could be an hour, or 12 hours. We entered the ICU room with his family and his ex, and just sort of stood around crying. His right eye socket was greatly swollen from the wound near his right ear.
His ex bent over him and whispered in his ear that me and my GF were in the room. He was brain dead, but right after she said that a tear came down his left cheek.
About five minutes after we arrived the chaplain came in. My friends heart rate, as shown on the monitor, was dropping rapidly from about 60 beats a minute. It went down to 59, then 58, then 57. It continued falling as he gasped for air, foam coming out of his mouth. The chaplain started to say a prayer as his heart rate got to about 45. It was not an easy prayer to take, and I'm certainly not a religious man anyways. The chaplain finished the prayer as his heart rate slipped to 29, then flatlined.
It was something I had certainly not expected to see as we had come only to show support to his family and to say a last goodbye to what we thought would be his body on life support. I've seen the aftermath of death from fire, accidents, and the like several times as a photojournalist, but there is something oddly strange about watching a man, especially a friend, as their life slips away.
I'd like to think that the tear coming down his cheek meant something, that he had waited for us to visit before allowing himself to pass on. That he had waited to hear my girlfriend say that despite his problems that she loved him, and that she didn't mean what she had said when she yelled at him prior to him leaving the bar and killing himself. Who knows if that's the case or not, but that's how I will remember it.
Friday night we had played pool together at the bar for about half an hour. It was the last time I talked with him apart from a casual hello as I walked into the bar on monday night when he shot himself. As friends we had certainly talked with each other over beers for long nights before. But on friday as we played pool he began to recount with details what had been happening with the divorce (I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks). He started talking real serious, and told me that I couldn't take my girlfriend for granted, that I needed to cherish her, and life itself, every chance that I got. I of course didn't think anything of it at the time, just thought he was drunk and getting "deep" because he was a little depressed about the divorce. I failed to see the signs of what he was thinking about. For that, I cannot feel guilty. I feel incredibly sad about not knowing how much pain he was in, but be killed himself and no one else is to blame for it. About all that I can do is take those last words and remember them, and try to apply them to my life.
And I guess that's why I'm posting this here. Know your friends, and be aware of the signs of suicide, even in someone you'd never expect it from. And god dammit, don't do it if you are thinking about it. I've been through the depression cycles before, been on the edge before. Never did I realize how much you hurt the ones around you when you take your own life. Its a fvcking selfish thing to do.
Cherish life, whether it be your own or that of your friends and family. Don't take anything for granted.
My friend's name was Bret. He was 34.
R.I.P. Bret.
:brokenheart:
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