My first attempt ...

Abhi

Diamond Member
Sep 13, 2003
4,548
0
76
How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
 

Abhi

Diamond Member
Sep 13, 2003
4,548
0
76
Added some more;

Life's Lessons
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television's on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

--
 

KLin

Lifer
Feb 29, 2000
30,083
470
126
I wonder how many of those are Steven Wright's?

EDIT: bahaha found some on imdb.com:


"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually." "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?" "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!"

"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."
 

Capone

Senior member
Jan 28, 2004
371
0
0
I went for an AIDS test today, The doctor told me to think positive.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London