More Aviation Humor

[Grasshopper27]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

[sharkeeper]

After every flight, all pilots complete a gripe sheet which is meant to list
problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The mechanics use
this checklist to make repairs and/or corrections. The actual form is a piece of
paper that the pilot completes, and submits to the mechanics for action.

The mechanic must respond...in writing, on the lower half of the
form...regarding what was done to the aircraft. The pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the aircraft is put back in service.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers are lacking for a sense of
humor.

The following are actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as
submitted by QUANTAS pilots, along with the solutions recorded by the
maintenance engineers.

By the way, QUANTAS is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
accident.


P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs are currently on backorder.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with all the words.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.



Cheers!

 

[Grasshopper27]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

 

[illusion88]

haha those are good.

 

[sharkeeper]

How about this one?

The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.

The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.

In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this post.

A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.

Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".


First airliner completely flown by a computer!

:Q

Cheers!

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: sharkeeper
After every flight, all pilots complete a gripe sheet which is meant to list
problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight. The mechanics use
this checklist to make repairs and/or corrections. The actual form is a piece of
paper that the pilot completes, and submits to the mechanics for action.

The mechanic must respond...in writing, on the lower half of the
form...regarding what was done to the aircraft. The pilot reviews the gripe
sheets before the aircraft is put back in service.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers are lacking for a sense of
humor.

The following are actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as
submitted by QUANTAS pilots, along with the solutions recorded by the
maintenance engineers.

<snip>

This is an old one, variously attributed to Air Force & Navy. I'm quite sure it's not Quantas though, as airliners aren't equipped with IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) transponders or target radars. Still funny though.

Here's another one:

An F14 crew is doing a crosscountry flight, and needs to stop at an Air Force base to refuel. As they come around on final, the RIO speeaks up to the pilot:

RIO: Damn, that's a really short runway!

FUF: If an Air Force pilot can land on it, I can land on it.

RIO: I dunno, that's a DAMN short runway.

FUF: Bullsh|t, if I can land on a carrier, I can land on any damn AF runway.

They come in, flare hard, full flaps, drop it hard on the deck, slam on the brakes, etc. They get it stopped at the very edge of the runway.

FUF: Sh|t, that is a damn short runway.

RIO: (looking out the side), Yea, but it's gotta be the widest one I've ever seen!

 

[Grasshopper27]

Originally posted by: ergeorge

Here's another one:

An F14 crew is doing a crosscountry flight, and needs to stop at an Air Force base to refuel. As they come around on final, the RIO speeaks up to the pilot:

RIO: Damn, that's a really short runway!

FUF: If an Air Force pilot can land on it, I can land on it.

RIO: I dunno, that's a DAMN short runway.

FUF: Bullsh|t, if I can land on a carrier, I can land on any damn AF runway.

They come in, flare hard, full flaps, drop it hard on the deck, slam on the brakes, etc. They get it stopped at the very edge of the runway.

FUF: Sh|t, that is a damn short runway.

RIO: (looking out the side), Yea, but it's gotta be the widest one I've ever seen!

ROTFLMAO!!!!



Grasshopper

 

[tk149]

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ?Ground, what is our start clearance time??

Ground (in English): ?If you want an answer you must speak English.?

Lufthansa (in English): ?I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English??

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): ?Because you lost the
bloody war!?

Shamelessly ripped from: link
Some other good ones there too.

 

[Jittles]

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Your sig also taken from there eh? Hehe those are some pretty hilarious sayings on that site.

 

[KC5AV]

<snip>

This is an old one, variously attributed to Air Force & Navy. I'm quite sure it's not Quantas though, as airliners aren't equipped with IFF (Identify Friend or Foe) transponders or target radars. Still funny though.

Here's another one:

An F14 crew is doing a crosscountry flight, and needs to stop at an Air Force base to refuel. As they come around on final, the RIO speeaks up to the pilot:

RIO: Damn, that's a really short runway!

FUF: If an Air Force pilot can land on it, I can land on it.

RIO: I dunno, that's a DAMN short runway.

FUF: Bullsh|t, if I can land on a carrier, I can land on any damn AF runway.

They come in, flare hard, full flaps, drop it hard on the deck, slam on the brakes, etc. They get it stopped at the very edge of the runway.

FUF: Sh|t, that is a damn short runway.

RIO: (looking out the side), Yea, but it's gotta be the widest one I've ever seen!

Originally heard that one as an Aggie joke... of course, there are only two Aggie jokes. The rest of them are true.

 

[rudder]

One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.

After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. Afterthree or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".

"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."

 

[monckywrench]

Military variations.

Link

 

[etech]

"Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."
"United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."
"Atlanta tower, Delta 765."
"Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."
After a pause to digest this, we hear....
"Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into the same runway in opposite directions?"
Another pause..
"Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"

Tower: United 123, traffic 3 o'clock, 2 miles, an American Fokker 100.
United: Tower, United 123. I've wanted to say this for a long time: I'VE GOT THAT FOKKER IN SIGHT!

more

 

[Calin]

During a airliner flight, the stewardess say to the passengers:
Please fasten your seatbelts, as the Captain have now the 1000st and last flight in his life on a airliner, and today are 30 years since his first flight with a airliner.
because after all those years and flights, he wants to make some loopings and so on.
All passengers fasten their seatbelts and captain starts some acrobatic flight. After a time, the captain thanks to the passengers and the passengers start to cheer him: "Excelent", "I had no idea a airliner can do that", "This was wonderful".
One of the passengers extracts himself out of the plane toilet and say:
"I don't know what was wonderful in it"

Calin

 

[tk149]

Originally posted by: Jittles

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Your sig also taken from there eh? Hehe those are some pretty hilarious sayings on that site.

Yeah, just found it.