Monday, Monday Jokes (for everyone except redeye dawn)

[Infos]

The Top 14 Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job




Your coffee stays hot all day!

Never have to look very far to find the legal department.

In hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge -- Satan!

30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.

In hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

No more wondering if the boss hates you.

Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.

Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.

Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!

Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.

Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!

Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now
and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.

and the Number 1 Way Hell is Better Than Your Job...


Microwave popcorn -- without leaving your cubicle!

 

[Alligator]

signs your dentist is nuts

- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you
wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

- Insists that a Novocain shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if
you just go out with him.

 

[Keego]

<< No more wondering if the boss hates you. >>




LOL that's the best one

 

[Infos]

he-he pretty funny

I'd like it more if I didn't have a dentist appointment tomorrow

uh oh just had a flashback of Steve Martin (as a sadistic dentist) in Little Shop of Horrors :Q

 

[NFS4]

Looks like someones got a case of the munnnnnnndays

 

[OutHouse]

nice jokes

 

[RossMAN]

<< Looks like someones got a case of the munnnnnnndays >>



What movie is that from? It's on the tip of my tongue!

 

[j0lly]

<<

<< Looks like someones got a case of the munnnnnnndays >>



What movie is that from? It's on the tip of my tongue! >>



Office Space.

 

[johnjohn320]

Just heard this on an old episode of the Sopranos:

So a rich guy and a poor guy are out shopping for birthday gifts for their wives. The rich guy buys a nice dress and a brand new Mercedes. The poor guy says "why are you buying a dress and a car?" The rich guy says "if she doesn't like the dress, she can return it and still have the Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Mercedes, she can return it and still have the dress." The poor guy nods in understandment. They continue shopping, and finally the poor guy finds his gifts for his wife. He buys her some perfume and a dildo. The rich guy says "why are you buying your wife perfume and a dildo?" The poor guy says "if she doesn't like the perfume, she can go fvck herself."

 

[NFS4]

<< Just heard this on an old episode of the Sopranos:

So a rich guy and a poor guy are out shopping for birthday gifts for their wives. The rich guy buys a nice dress and a brand new Mercedes. The poor guy says "why are you buying a dress and a car?" The rich guy says "if she doesn't like the dress, she can return it and still have the Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Mercedes, she can return it and still have the dress." The poor guy nods in understandment. They continue shopping, and finally the poor guy finds his gifts for his wife. He buys her some perfume and a dildo. The rich guy says "why are you buying your wife perfume and a dildo?" The poor guy says "if she doesn't like the perfume, she can go fvck herself."

>>


BUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

AAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHH

 

[StageLeft]

<< Just heard this on an old episode of the Sopranos:

So a rich guy and a poor guy are out shopping for birthday gifts for their wives. The rich guy buys a nice dress and a brand new Mercedes. The poor guy says "why are you buying a dress and a car?" The rich guy says "if she doesn't like the dress, she can return it and still have the Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Mercedes, she can return it and still have the dress." The poor guy nods in understandment. They continue shopping, and finally the poor guy finds his gifts for his wife. He buys her some perfume and a dildo. The rich guy says "why are you buying your wife perfume and a dildo?" The poor guy says "if she doesn't like the perfume, she can go fvck herself."

>>

A hahaha

 

[Infos]

johnjohn that was funny


Rubber
======


There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.
The preacher went to the congregation and asked
for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and
the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and
bickering about how much the clergy- man's additional
children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"having children is an "act of God!"

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up
and in his frail voice said .... "snow and rain are
also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear
rubbers."

 

[Infos]

One more and I'm off to see Oceans 11


A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah,right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes
to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman
is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully
ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and
as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy,
I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first
and second place."

 

[Alligator]

Reasons why men will never, ever win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you're a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear
and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that's favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a i love you.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

 

[SinNisTeR]

<< Just heard this on an old episode of the Sopranos:

So a rich guy and a poor guy are out shopping for birthday gifts for their wives. The rich guy buys a nice dress and a brand new Mercedes. The poor guy says "why are you buying a dress and a car?" The rich guy says "if she doesn't like the dress, she can return it and still have the Mercedes. If she doesn't like the Mercedes, she can return it and still have the dress." The poor guy nods in understandment. They continue shopping, and finally the poor guy finds his gifts for his wife. He buys her some perfume and a dildo. The rich guy says "why are you buying your wife perfume and a dildo?" The poor guy says "if she doesn't like the perfume, she can go fvck herself."

>>



LMAO! good one