Mom & Dad conflict over a daughter's proposed marriage

[Sqube]

Nobody is right in this situation. The very fact that you're arguing from that point of view probably has a lot to do with why you can't see past the reality that your daughter is in love.

When your daughter was 8, sure, you were there to try to help her stop making mistakes. She's 18 now. You can't stop her anymore. Let me repeat that. You are incapable of stopping her. No one says that you have to agree with her. As a matter of fact, as your daughter gets older, there will be more and more things that you will disagree with.

At this point, however, the most you can do -- the most you should do, if you actually love your daughter -- is to tell her how you feel and support her decision.

The fact that you're trying to make your daughter choose between the man she loves and her family, in my opinion, is reprehensible. You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to make your daughter choose.

Your daughter is in love, and you are trying to alienate her because you don't approve (and I don't really care how valid you think the reasons for not liking this guy are). Think about that for a second. You will alienate your daughter because you don't approve of the decisions that she's making as a legal adult.

 

[ballmode]

I say no, for the sake of the children.

Daddy will die sooner than expected

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: BigJ
And who is going to comfort him when he loses his daughter forever?

That's a pretty selfish reason to oppose their marriage. I don't doubt for one minute that the OP has anything but her best interests at heart. But there are things he can't control, and he may damage his relationship with his wife and his daughter in a vain attempt to do so.

 

[Captante]

I think you are correct in saying that your daughter is making a very bad decision that she will live to regret, but I also think that cutting her completely off from the family would be a bad mistake on your part ... make your opinion known in no uncertain terms, but don't burn any bridges, good luck! (Father of two daughters speaking here)

 

[Paddington]

Is your daughter really desperate or something? Maybe you should take her to a HIV clinic and show her what her husband has in store for himself, and what she and her future children possibly have in store for themselves.

 

[kingtas]

Originally posted by: sandmanwake

Originally posted by: kingtas
Let me ask you a question.

1. She marries this guy against your blessing.
2. This causes friction and communication ceases.
3. A couple of months later she dies in a car wreck.

Is this topic really as important as it might appear, now?

She marries guy against his blessings, sleeps with him, gets AIDS and dies a slow painful death. Love comes and goes, but HIV is forever.

I believe she would choose to be carefull about that.

 

[Praxis1452]

Originally posted by: Sqube


At this point, however, the most you can do -- the most you should do, if you actually love your daughter -- is to tell her how you feel and support her decision.

The fact that you're trying to make your daughter choose between the man she loves and her family, in my opinion, is reprehensible. You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to make your daughter choose.

Your daughter is in love, and you are trying to alienate her because you don't approve (and I don't really care how valid you think the reasons for not liking this guy are). Think about that for a second. You will alienate your daughter because you don't approve of the decisions that she's making as a legal adult.

Why should he lie to his daughter? "Oh I support your decision." Obviously he does not.

She's a legal adult who can make her own decisions. In reality once you've become old enough to make your own way in life your parents lose their power which in turn makes them just people you know.

 

[Sqube]

Originally posted by: Praxis1452

Originally posted by: Sqube


At this point, however, the most you can do -- the most you should do, if you actually love your daughter -- is to tell her how you feel and support her decision.

The fact that you're trying to make your daughter choose between the man she loves and her family, in my opinion, is reprehensible. You should be ashamed of yourself for trying to make your daughter choose.

Your daughter is in love, and you are trying to alienate her because you don't approve (and I don't really care how valid you think the reasons for not liking this guy are). Think about that for a second. You will alienate your daughter because you don't approve of the decisions that she's making as a legal adult.

Why should he lie to his daughter? "Oh I support your decision." Obviously he does not.

She's a legal adult who can make her own decisions. In reality once you've become old enough to make your own way in life your parents lose their power which in turn makes them just people you know.

Alright, that's a good point. Ixnay on the upport-say er-hsay ecision-day. That said, I still don't think the OP should try to alienate her from the entire family because he doesn't like who she's marrying (whatever the reason).

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Paddington
Is your daughter really desperate or something? Maybe you should take her to a HIV clinic and show her what her husband has in store for himself, and what she and her future children possibly have in store for themselves.

Desperation has nothing to do with it. If I genuinely loved someone, I'd want to have every possible minute with him, especially when the end is in sight. I'd be grateful for the opportunity to do whatever I could to help him through it. God, that sounds sappy. :laugh:

That doesn't mean I'd be stupid enough to take risks with my own health, much less an innocent child's.

 

[BD2003]

Neither support her nor try to stop it. Let her make her own decisions.

But yeah, its a really stupid one.

 

[frankgomez75]

Originally posted by: madeupfacts
u should ask her

"what make u think he care about u if he is willing 2 put ur life in danger"
"he obviously does not luv u"

Yeah, I agree completely with this.

Point #1
See, thing is... if HIV GUY really loved her and I mean real true love... he would not marry her. He knows marrying her is like giving a death sentence. Why would you want to make someone you loved with all your heart suffer the same slow death you will be facing one day. He doesn't love her... he's just happy someone is willing to accept him with his disease, which is sad, but he should not put the love of his life, so he says, in harms way... EVER.

Point #2
If he were to knock her up... he would probably die leaving his children fatherless. Also the possiblitly that he may give his own children HIV... is that a risk he and she are willing to take?



Personally, I'd have a man to man talk rather than try to go through the daughter. If he doesn't see the wrongs of their decision, than he's being selfish and thinking of his own happiness moreso than your daughters.

Good luck.

 

[JLGatsby]

huy72983, I would do whatever you can to stop her from marrying him.

If this is real, your daughter needs serious help. There must be something more going on for her to want to marry someone with AIDs.

 

[sandmanwake]

Originally posted by: kingtas

Originally posted by: sandmanwake

Originally posted by: kingtas
Let me ask you a question.

1. She marries this guy against your blessing.
2. This causes friction and communication ceases.
3. A couple of months later she dies in a car wreck.

Is this topic really as important as it might appear, now?

She marries guy against his blessings, sleeps with him, gets AIDS and dies a slow painful death. Love comes and goes, but HIV is forever.

I believe she would choose to be carefull about that.

Being careful would be not to sleep with the guy. If I was the father and she can guarentee 100% that she would not sleep with him, I wouldn't be against the marriage. However, lets be honest here, she's going to sleep with him. No matter how careful she would be, she'd be risking infection everytime they bonk. If this guy really cares for her, he would not risk her life by having sex with her. If she becomes infected, it will be her family who has to watch her die and probably help her with the medical bills as she's dying. The family can't stop her from making her decision, but that doesn't mean they have to give their approval and blessing either.

 

[yhelothar]

I think the only thing you can do is try to convince her that it's not the right choice. If she's not convinced, then there's nothing you could really do. Parent's job is to help guide their children(especially at this age), not to dictate what they can or cannot do.
If the guy is rich.. he could lead a pretty normal life with the drugs out there today. Think Magic Johnson.

 

[huy72983]

Originally posted by: JLGatsby
huy72983, I would do whatever you can to stop her from marrying him.

If this is real, your daughter needs serious help. There must be something more going on for her to want to marry someone with AIDs.

yeh I agree totally. I believe this is unhealthy, pity love or something. Wifey believes in love is totally blind. BS to me, only blind to a certain extent then logic comes into play.

 

[Wheezer]

one key thing that has not been discussed, what about kids? I mean IMO it is sorta selfish of this man to want to marry her, he knows he has AIDS and that he will die a dibilitating death, it is not just the death that has to be considered here, but also the path to that door...is she a strong enough person to deal with that?...because it could take weeks, months or years for him to die.

Sure she may say yes now, but how many people pledge thier undying unwaivering love to another healthy person only to cheat on him/her? happens all the time. I am using that as an example of having the best intentions at heart but not following through.


The second and BIGGER question is kids...do they want them? If so I see that as a grossly selfish move on both thier parts...not just because one parent will die, but more importantly the passing of this disease onto the child. I see no difference between this and smoking or drinking or using drugs when pregnant.

You say your daughter is over 18...how much older? 19,20 or close to it?

I am 38 and have returned to school and see the mentality of a lot of kids this age who act like they are still 15-16. They have not grown up, not because they are incapable,(although some may not be) but they have a limited exposure to the real world, that is something that only comes with experience and one way you get that is by not tying yourself to a dying spouse.

Not only that, but what about when he is dying and she feels lonely? is she strong enough to find consolation in someone else without falling for them? sure it may not start out romantic, but things like this have a way blossoming into things you don't expect.

What kind of wife would she be if her husband is in the hospital dying and she turns to a member of say a support group going through the same thing and thier relationship grows into something more romantic, more physical.

she would be human.

That does not make the pain she would be inflicting on her dying spouse by being unfaithful any less painful.


Not only that, but what about after he is gone....will she tell the next person she wants to date that her husband died of aids? Does she really think that she will find someone like her who is willing to put themselves at risk? She is possibly comprimising the rest of her life here. I don't think there is a support group called: "My spouse died of aids will you sleep with me?" group.

They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions. That can also be applied to this situation.

Edit: I should say we are not talking about cancer, or some other non-comunicable disease. Even if were were talking about herpes, or hepatitis I would suggest the same thing. Yes, HIV has a "special" stigma about it, but that is not the issue...the things I addressed can also be easily applied to the other, sexually transmitted diseases I listed.

 

[huy72983]

Originally posted by: Wheezer


You say your daughter is over 18...how much older? 19,20 or close to it?

She is 23

 

[Theb]

fvck that. :thumbsdown:

 

[bennylong]

IS your daughter going to have sex with this guy? If they don't ever plan to have sex, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

But you know they are going to do it and she'll end up with hiv. She's already lost

 

[0roo0roo]

not your choice.

not sure how ethical it is for the guy with aids to make such a choice though. maybe if she were infertile?

 

[JLGatsby]

Originally posted by: bennylong
IS your daughter going to have sex with this guy? If they don't ever plan to have sex, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

But you know they are going to do it and she'll end up with hiv. She's already lost

Dude, you don't have to have sex to get AIDS.

One drop of blood from a razor and your life is over.

 

[thomsbrain]

if he cuts off his genitals, i'd say let her do it. but chances are there will be kids, and she may become infected in the process, and it's all bad from there.

 

[Slammy1]

I say take her on a daytime talk show. This has "my uncle prostitutes me" and "my 12 year old daughter is promiscuous" beat by a wide margin. I'm rather tempted to declare shens on the topic, sounds a bit too hillbilly to me.

Is he HIV positive or full-blown AIDS? I'd seriously talk to your daughter about the consequences of her actions, but disowning her would be a big mistake. I also think you should educate yourself on the topic, so you can discuss things with her intelligently. I would make a strong stand against children.

 

[Journer]

Originally posted by: sandmanwake
This reminds me of a Kenshin OVA where Kenshin came down with leprosy and Karu wanted to know his pain or some crap like that and so they slept together. Of course, Karu then got infected also. In the end Kenshin died and Karu was dying.

:'( i almost cried...damn i love the kenshin series, movie, and OVAs
anywho...i would do everything in my power to get her away from the guy

 

[Geekbabe]

The face of HIV is far different now than it was 10 years ago. Is the man taking anti-virals ? does he get good medical care, what's his viral load count, his T-4 count ? how did he become infected if via IVDA is he now in recovery and for how long ?

How old are both parties ?