- Jan 16, 2001
- 31,528
- 3
- 76
In light of all the recent "YAGT/YACT"/what car/truck/condom/is my wife/husband/GF/BF/dog cheating on me/how many miles from Jupiter to Oshkosh WI-type and "what should I do?" threads, I have decided to complie a starter list of answers for you.
We can add to this as we see fit.
1. Leave her
2. Leave him
3. Your car is a POS...nobody thinks 20" rims and yellow wing look good on a 1981 Yugo
4. She is cheating on you with your cousin - run them both over with the car
5. Your dog knows you secretly want to kick it - get rid of it...quietly
6. You stole it, you got caught; quit whining
7. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. Get that thru your thick, obtuse skull, OK?
8. Your mom will LOVE anything you get her for Christmas; be sure you get a card for her too!
9. You "bought your wife" a plasma TV for Christmas and you're wondering if she'll be mad? Pack your sh1t NOW, buddy.
10. Name your child Shmabbles and be done w/it
11. Yes, your father hates you
12. Yes, Ricers make baby Jesus cry
13. There is no spoon
14. Beer is alcohol too and it's not the "breakfast of champions"
15. Prestone contains alcohol too...but don't drink it
16. You can't afford to live in a nice apartment in NYC by diverting some of your student loan money towards rent. Get over it, farm boy.
17. There is no movie that has Julia Roberts in it worth seeing - EVAR.
18. The Shmabbles' will eventually become residents...Anandtech may be sold to TimeWarner by then, but they'll get there eventually...
19. Your Honda CRV is not a real 4x4
20. Neither is your "awesome" RAV4
21. 16.8 @ 79MPH is not fast
22. "Bling-bling" is not cool to say...in fact, you sound like an idiot
23. 20" rims are not "DUBS"'; they are called "20 inch rims"...idiot
24. MichaelD is neurotic as all hell...and he doesn't really care...get over it
25. Mom&Dad are not obligated to buy you a car, send you to college or buy you a PS2. Be thankful you have a home to live in. Ingrate.
26. NO. You can't smoke weed, drink beer and bang your GF b/c "it's my room and I can do as I please!" Get your own damn house.
27. You are not "The Keeper of the Speed", that would be the local police; get the hell out of the left lane if you want to sightsee
28. I speed, b/c I am very busy. Now move over; not everyone is retired has no place to go and all damn day to get there...grandpa
29. 50% of all marriages end in divorce within the first 5 years. Are you a gambling man? Then roll the dice, Romeo.
30. You got married w/o a prenup and now she took away everything? You are an idiot...now go stand in front of a bus
31. There is no such thing as "a friendly divorce" She will slit your throat the second you turn your back. Moron.
32. There's no such thing as "we just aren't getting along." He's been banging your best friend, honey, for about a year now. Dizwat.
33. No, the pants don't make you look fat. Your fat ass makes you look fat. Put the M&Ms down and try cleaning the house...honey.
34. No, I don't wish I married your sister instead. Now, your best friend Jeanie? I'd take her over you ANY day of the week
35. Yes, she DID sleep w/your brother. For a week. While you were in the hosptial after YOUR DWI wreck. Idiot. Oh she's pregnant..not yours either
36. Your child is a brat. A mannerless, sloppy, disease infested little mongrel. Get it away from my table, please.
37. All children are noisy and disrepectful most of the time. Your little rabit weasel is not "an angel" she is a Satanic Destructobot. Get it away from me.
38. Your kid is ugly, get over it.
39. No, I don't want to see little Marie's Christmas recital pictures. She peed herself, cried and threw up...and you took 3 rolls of film. Idiot.
40. You didn't buy the minivan b/c it's practical. You bought it b/c the wife threatened to take away sex forever if you didn't. Wussy-man.
41. You have a beer gut. Speedos are not for you.
42. If you are over 25, you ARE the old guy in the club. Chester.
43. You were drunk last night, dude. Period. Oh BTW, it cost $67.83 to get my car cleaned and deodorized. I take MC/Visa/Amex.
44. You have long hair...and it's purple/orange/blue and mocha. You have 34 rings in your ears/eyes/scrotum. You are a freak, not an "artist" not a "nonconformical iconoclast." No one will hire you until you clean up and look like a damn human being. Turd.
45. She left you b/c you drink too much and go to the strip clubs every night. Not b/c you wouldn't pet her cat.
46. Her cat hates you anyway...kick it again for good measure
47. Once you pass 30, the college babes won't even talk to you if they are desparate beyond desparate. Get over it.
48. Girls that look that good ARE very expensive. If you have to ask.....poor boy.
49. The chubby chick w/the pretty face will be much more fun in bed than Bambi over there...and a cheaper date as well. Go for it.
50. Christmas will be over in .0002 seconds and we'll be back to reality soon. Hang in there.
51. You got caught speeding. Face it and shut up.
52. Kicking my ass at CounterStrike is not cause for celebration and cries of "w0000t! pw0ned!!". You're still a pimple-faced loser whose only friend is a computer. Get over it.
53. Which cell phone? Let's see; when you press the "Send" button, does the phone on the other end ring? Good. Buy it. Dweeb.
54. You need a car that runs and you can afford. If you can't figure out those two simple things, you shouldn't be driving. Bus-boy.
55. You don't have enough $$$? Join the club you sniveling little turd. Get a second job and stop buying those $75 porno DVDs!
56. You don't understand your wife/GF? You think WE do either? Deal with it or never get laid. Easy, no?
57. FEDEX/UPS/USPS...you hate them? Then you can walk from Maine to California, pickup your package and deliver it yourself, to yourself. Whiner.
58. Your roommates are eating your food because you're a wuss and they have no respect for you. Buy more or move out.
59. Yes, your parents will continue to use your vehicle as long as you live at home. If you don't like it, move out. Then the real fun begins.
60. No, Dell is not going to take an $80,000 loss by selling you a bunch of LCDs below cost. Quite being a whiny rich kid. Jerkoff.
61. Yes, your wife/girlfriend may have *said* that she doesn't want anything for Christmas and you agreed not to exchange presents. Now, go out there and buy her something or you *will* regret it. Do it now or learn your lesson the hard way.
62. In Russia (or Mother Russia) *insert object/action here* owns/does/talks to YOU! That's just the way it is. Punk.
63. If you live in The United States of America, you are the luckiest person in the entire world. If you don't like the way it is run, you don't have to stay here! Go back to whatever rock you were under when we let you in the first time.
64. Did you specifically request AND PAY FOR Saturday delivery? No? Then FEDEX WILL NOT deliver your damn package on Saturday. Next time, order it Monday and you'll have it for the weekend. Slacker.
65. Your roommates dog/cat/gerbil/parrot/iguana is peeing/craping on the carpet/eating your lunch? Get your own damn pad and you won't have to worry about a roommate, poor boy! You may have to eat Ramen noodles and water for a year, but you'll have your own place. Numbnuts.
We can add to this as we see fit.
1. Leave her
2. Leave him
3. Your car is a POS...nobody thinks 20" rims and yellow wing look good on a 1981 Yugo
4. She is cheating on you with your cousin - run them both over with the car
5. Your dog knows you secretly want to kick it - get rid of it...quietly
6. You stole it, you got caught; quit whining
7. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. Get that thru your thick, obtuse skull, OK?
8. Your mom will LOVE anything you get her for Christmas; be sure you get a card for her too!
9. You "bought your wife" a plasma TV for Christmas and you're wondering if she'll be mad? Pack your sh1t NOW, buddy.
10. Name your child Shmabbles and be done w/it
11. Yes, your father hates you
12. Yes, Ricers make baby Jesus cry
13. There is no spoon
14. Beer is alcohol too and it's not the "breakfast of champions"
15. Prestone contains alcohol too...but don't drink it
16. You can't afford to live in a nice apartment in NYC by diverting some of your student loan money towards rent. Get over it, farm boy.
17. There is no movie that has Julia Roberts in it worth seeing - EVAR.
18. The Shmabbles' will eventually become residents...Anandtech may be sold to TimeWarner by then, but they'll get there eventually...
19. Your Honda CRV is not a real 4x4
20. Neither is your "awesome" RAV4
21. 16.8 @ 79MPH is not fast
22. "Bling-bling" is not cool to say...in fact, you sound like an idiot
23. 20" rims are not "DUBS"'; they are called "20 inch rims"...idiot
24. MichaelD is neurotic as all hell...and he doesn't really care...get over it
25. Mom&Dad are not obligated to buy you a car, send you to college or buy you a PS2. Be thankful you have a home to live in. Ingrate.
26. NO. You can't smoke weed, drink beer and bang your GF b/c "it's my room and I can do as I please!" Get your own damn house.
27. You are not "The Keeper of the Speed", that would be the local police; get the hell out of the left lane if you want to sightsee
28. I speed, b/c I am very busy. Now move over; not everyone is retired has no place to go and all damn day to get there...grandpa
29. 50% of all marriages end in divorce within the first 5 years. Are you a gambling man? Then roll the dice, Romeo.
30. You got married w/o a prenup and now she took away everything? You are an idiot...now go stand in front of a bus
31. There is no such thing as "a friendly divorce" She will slit your throat the second you turn your back. Moron.
32. There's no such thing as "we just aren't getting along." He's been banging your best friend, honey, for about a year now. Dizwat.
33. No, the pants don't make you look fat. Your fat ass makes you look fat. Put the M&Ms down and try cleaning the house...honey.
34. No, I don't wish I married your sister instead. Now, your best friend Jeanie? I'd take her over you ANY day of the week
35. Yes, she DID sleep w/your brother. For a week. While you were in the hosptial after YOUR DWI wreck. Idiot. Oh she's pregnant..not yours either
36. Your child is a brat. A mannerless, sloppy, disease infested little mongrel. Get it away from my table, please.
37. All children are noisy and disrepectful most of the time. Your little rabit weasel is not "an angel" she is a Satanic Destructobot. Get it away from me.
38. Your kid is ugly, get over it.
39. No, I don't want to see little Marie's Christmas recital pictures. She peed herself, cried and threw up...and you took 3 rolls of film. Idiot.
40. You didn't buy the minivan b/c it's practical. You bought it b/c the wife threatened to take away sex forever if you didn't. Wussy-man.
41. You have a beer gut. Speedos are not for you.
42. If you are over 25, you ARE the old guy in the club. Chester.
43. You were drunk last night, dude. Period. Oh BTW, it cost $67.83 to get my car cleaned and deodorized. I take MC/Visa/Amex.
44. You have long hair...and it's purple/orange/blue and mocha. You have 34 rings in your ears/eyes/scrotum. You are a freak, not an "artist" not a "nonconformical iconoclast." No one will hire you until you clean up and look like a damn human being. Turd.
45. She left you b/c you drink too much and go to the strip clubs every night. Not b/c you wouldn't pet her cat.
46. Her cat hates you anyway...kick it again for good measure
47. Once you pass 30, the college babes won't even talk to you if they are desparate beyond desparate. Get over it.
48. Girls that look that good ARE very expensive. If you have to ask.....poor boy.
49. The chubby chick w/the pretty face will be much more fun in bed than Bambi over there...and a cheaper date as well. Go for it.
50. Christmas will be over in .0002 seconds and we'll be back to reality soon. Hang in there.
51. You got caught speeding. Face it and shut up.
52. Kicking my ass at CounterStrike is not cause for celebration and cries of "w0000t! pw0ned!!". You're still a pimple-faced loser whose only friend is a computer. Get over it.
53. Which cell phone? Let's see; when you press the "Send" button, does the phone on the other end ring? Good. Buy it. Dweeb.
54. You need a car that runs and you can afford. If you can't figure out those two simple things, you shouldn't be driving. Bus-boy.
55. You don't have enough $$$? Join the club you sniveling little turd. Get a second job and stop buying those $75 porno DVDs!
56. You don't understand your wife/GF? You think WE do either? Deal with it or never get laid. Easy, no?
57. FEDEX/UPS/USPS...you hate them? Then you can walk from Maine to California, pickup your package and deliver it yourself, to yourself. Whiner.
58. Your roommates are eating your food because you're a wuss and they have no respect for you. Buy more or move out.
59. Yes, your parents will continue to use your vehicle as long as you live at home. If you don't like it, move out. Then the real fun begins.
60. No, Dell is not going to take an $80,000 loss by selling you a bunch of LCDs below cost. Quite being a whiny rich kid. Jerkoff.
61. Yes, your wife/girlfriend may have *said* that she doesn't want anything for Christmas and you agreed not to exchange presents. Now, go out there and buy her something or you *will* regret it. Do it now or learn your lesson the hard way.
62. In Russia (or Mother Russia) *insert object/action here* owns/does/talks to YOU! That's just the way it is. Punk.
63. If you live in The United States of America, you are the luckiest person in the entire world. If you don't like the way it is run, you don't have to stay here! Go back to whatever rock you were under when we let you in the first time.
64. Did you specifically request AND PAY FOR Saturday delivery? No? Then FEDEX WILL NOT deliver your damn package on Saturday. Next time, order it Monday and you'll have it for the weekend. Slacker.
65. Your roommates dog/cat/gerbil/parrot/iguana is peeing/craping on the carpet/eating your lunch? Get your own damn pad and you won't have to worry about a roommate, poor boy! You may have to eat Ramen noodles and water for a year, but you'll have your own place. Numbnuts.
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