Maybe I DON'T want kids

[XMan]

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to
the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this
would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live
octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it
with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m.
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up
your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and
make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it
there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your
wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office
and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the
last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small
child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all
the answers.

 

[kami]

yep...that's about right i think. :Q

 

[LAUST]

OMG ROFLMAOPIMP!!! for atleast the next 5 times I read this

 

[MooCow]

kinda scary isn't it?

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

I dunno, I think there are times when it's worse.

But the good times outweigh the bad, plus he's going to have to change my diapers someday.

 

[M00T]

dumb kids

 

[DAM]

XM: great post man, where did you find that? im sure it was not in a family magazine :--)







dam()

 

[FettsBabe]

ROTFLMAO!!! This is Great!!

 

[XMan]

DAM,

One of my female coworkers E-mailed me that. I replied to her, "So THAT'S why you don't have any kids yet, Marla."

 

[nEoTeChMaN]

Too bad, Xerox Man. You're missing out the real fun.

 

[Gatsby]

Great.... so They'll do this after I emotionally scar them with terrible names that somehow incorporate nacho, macho, and pancho

Gatsby

 

[JoeBaD]

LOVE TEST:

Walk into the house to screams of "DADDY, DADDY!!" and hugging arms all around your legs.

Watch their first base hit at baseball, and beating back the tears of joys in your eyes so that the other parents don't see them.

Comforting them after a fall, cut or nightmare.

Good night kisses.

Walks together.

Discovery of buunies, worms and ladybugs.

Sharing knock-knock jokes.

Tickles.

Wrestling matches.


Sure there is effort and frustration but there is also great joy!
You'll ever know it until you do it.

 

[TomCsTulip]

I will have to say that all of those "tests" are true...but hearing my daughter say bunny, and kitty, and for her to point to her features and name them at the same time....IT IS WORTH IT!!

My husband and I didn't want children, but then we were handed our little cakester....she is the best thing that has ever happened in my life (next to my husband of course)

Motherhood is just irreplaceable:~)

 

[ratkil]

Heh, Heh. Kids are your parents revenge. I cannot even count the number of times my son has done something and I can think back and realize I did the same thing to my dad.

 

[rowcroft]

Kids are how your parents get you back for everything you did to them. But nothing is better then when my daughter climbs into my lap with a book and plants a kiss on my cheek. That's when you realize your daughter/son is everyone you want to be-

 

[Yeeny]

That list is funny!

Alot of those things are true, but there is no replacing being a parent. My kids have humiliated me more times than I can count, but when they come to me, and tell me they love me, it somehow seems all worthwhile. It's the little things that matter, like their graduating from Kindergarten, or watching them help somebody who needs it without being told that makes your heart swell. There is nothing like it in the world.

 

[BoberFett]

That list is very true. I don't think I'll be driving that Jaguar until the kids have moved out.

But there's nothing that can describe the wave of emotion that flows over me when my 16 month old daughter climbs up on the couch and gives me a big hug and kiss. It's enough to bring tears to my eyes sometimes.