Locutus of Board
Diamond Member
What a celebration of my loserhood as well. For my esteemed numbered post, I also submit my favorite thread that has ever been posted. ATOT was more fun then. Extrapolate why? Nyahh.
<<EDIT>>
And thanks for the goodbyes, but I just like my post count. I think I'll leave it be for
awhile. 😀
One day a couple of people decided to post on a
forum. They were wandering about on the web, and
found a place called www.anandtech.com.
Well, since they were thinking about having kids for a while, they thought now would be a
good time, and start them off right using a forum. So 9 months later, out popped two twins.
They decided to name them Paulson and hubbs.
They were Siamese twins, connected at the brain.
They separated them. They both lived, but one
had 90% of the brains.
With which the smarter side of the two kept bickering with the more dumb side of the siamese
twins.
The side that had 10% of the brains was such an idiot, everytime they walked they kept
tripping due to the inability to synchronize...
Later in life, the idiot one hooked up, and actually found
an outlet for his idiotic nature. His mom and dad bought
him a computer to play with.
He started frequenting porn sites and became so addicted he had to move his computer into
the bathroom.
One fine Saturday, his parents discovered him. Luckily, he hadn't quite "come of age", so
the bathroom walls were still squeeky clean. They asked him what he was up to, to which he
responded...
I was doing what my friend taught me the other day. He called it:
"Bopping the baloney"
To which his mother freaked out and screamed...
"Thats why you wanted swiss cheese this time!"
And then she dead fainted away.
The poor idiot was still randy, and
said "ya know, moms pretty hot" and
proceeded to..
take pictures of his mom in the shower and started his own porn site. After 3 days of
running his porn site his father ran into his room screaming...
Oh my god, couldn't you have shaved her back first? He then proceeded to......
reveal his true identity to his son, "I am Locutus of Board, your website will be
assimilated into my porn empire, resistance is futile." To which Paulon responded...
"...not now dad...Locutus or whatever...people are trying to hook me up with some chicas
from Russia. Mail-IN-Wife or something like that...which reminds me dad...long story short,
blow up doll popped, need credit card, meet daughter in Law, Natasha. All of a sudden Hubbs
burst into the room boasting....
You can borrow my blow up GUTB doll,Just don't.........
... he lost his train of thought and immediatly grew angry at the sight of Natasha, what was
his son thinking, Natasha was in her eighties and blind. He knew he had to do something, but
what, when all of a sudden...
...the doorbell rang. It was Lara Croft! "Hello, is Paulson home?" To which Paulson
reponded, "Not now...talking to the wifey". Upon hearing that, Hubbs and Locutus slapped
Paulson. "Paulson...what are you doing?! IT'S LARA CROFT!!!!" To which Paulson responded...
I'd prefer Gordan Freeman
and I already played Womb Raider with my wife, Lara is yours for the taking, now leave me to
my...
mad mad porn movie reviewing
Which is featuring my wife as: Slim Shady
To his shock and eager surprise during his mad mad porn reviewing he discovered Slim Shady
was a trasvestite and his life now seemed blissfully complete but something was missing,
that something was...
...the ability to purchase alcohol...poor Natasha...she had wanted to come to America in
search of the prized beverage known as Beer. Upon realizing this...Natasha...
Slapped him with a patch kit for Hubbs blow up doll (in case of emergencies). Then she...
Ran off with JBAR because she heard that he's a sexy b!tch. While they were out, they
noticed that someone was following them, lurking in the shadows....
"Are you cracking RC5 yet!" he yelled.
He ran away screaming down the street, and ended up falling over the curb. He went to get up
and realized he was laying at the feet of......
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Words could not express the vision before his
eyes. Her hair looked as if it were soft as silk. Her eyes were stormy gray pools. Who is
this creature? What is her name? But, before he was able to utter the questions that he so
longed to ask.....
..she had realized, that the situation had become uncomfortable. She hurriedly vacated the
scene, while Russ unaware of what might have come, cleaned himself off. Just as he got up,
Paulson and Hubbs, had told him that the lady who had just ran off, was indeed infatuated
with Russ...upon hearing this, Russ had limped off into the direction he had seen her go. As
he walked up the porch to an extravagantly large house he was....
Struck by a bolt of lightning. As he lie there motionless......
Hubbs and paulson frantically fought over who was going to give Russ mouth to mouth first.It
was a drag down knock out fight.In the end they came to an agreement,I'll take one end,you
take the other.Russ jumps back to life and says...........
"I have just been violated!!" *In the hamster voice from Dr. Dolittle.*
And Russ thought "I've never even seen Dr. Dolittle!" "What the hell is with the hamster
voice!" "What could it sound like?" "Oh my God nooooooooooooooooo!" "It's....."
Imaginer in his AMD Gigazord ready and armed!!!
Then, Russ exclaimes, "Imaginer? Who's Imaginer?" So, having had mouth-to-mouth and been
revived successfully, he entered the house that held the mysterious woman.
To Russ' delight, she worked for AMD...and the woman had brought home a few samples. Not
paying attention to the woman holding the glass of champagne, Russ ran towards the new
thunderbirds, stepping on, and killing the woman's dog, who had been her companion for 12
years. Speechless, Russ...
paused for a moment to regain his composure, turned to the woman, bowed deeply from the
waist in an elegant Old World gentlemanly style, picked up her now dead miniature schnauzer,
"H8Tank", and said, with a deep sigh of concern, "You really ought to get this throw rug
cleaned", and threw the still warm carcass against her far wall, where it shattered her
exquisitely framed nude action photo of Red Dawn hands free shifting his Harley with his
Anandtech elite member. "Christ!", roared Russ, "how the hell am I going to get this putrid
H8Tank-like stink off my fingers!! Why, when I find out who put me in this thread in the
first place, I'm going to . . .
"blame Paulson...everyone does anyway." Then Russ goes on a murderous killing spree thru Hot
Deals...screaming at the top of his lungs...."Go to hell, you lily-livered slimeballs." And
when he is done, Russ.....
Russ asks himself, "Did I actually just say lily-livered slimeballs"? Wow...musta been the
mouse-to-mouse I received.
he pinches himself to make sure that he's not dreaming...Thats funny he thinks, "That didn't
hurt at all, maybe I am"...
Just then Roger walks in the house. Looking around, he says, "Have you seen those trolls
Paulson and Hubbs?" When I find them I am going to.......
Tie them up and gag them, slather their butt cracks with vaseline. I will then proceed
to.....
Go into the kitchen, fire up the stove and make some oatmeal. While enjoying the oatmeal...
Feed the Donkey he brought with him the extra oatmeal, in order to give the beast strength
for the next task at hand. The two beleaguered bound victims.
Feelin the need for a piece of ass...and they are bound!
He prepares to perform an act that is illegal in every state south of the Mason/Dixon line.
"But first", he thinks aloud, "some coffee and a cigarette". As he looked for a light for
his cig....
Out of nowhere, A sheep walks up...and
Sheeplessly looking at the ass I ponder
what if that sheep were really a gorgeous naked Man...
as if by magic, it was Nowhereman who appeared (after all, we were talking about sheep) and
screamed at the top of his voice, and i can tell you it's high pitched, "My god, what have
all my monkeys become? Now i'll never be able to...."
get that sex change afterall, but I would really like to do this one surgery to my body, its
called:
The elephant conversion.
This is where you place a piece of elephant trunk to supplement your "member"
but then he got a craving for some peanuts...but
He went out on his first date after the operation.
They were at the table having dinner, when his new "member"
popped out, and took a biscuit out of the breadbasket.
Pulled it back, and disappeared under the table.
It did it two more times.
His date, wide eyed pronounced "Am I supposed to be
impressed? Well lover, I am. Can you do it one more time?"
Nowhere man muttered " I would for you, but I don't think
I can fit another biscuit up my butt."
So then he proceeded to the Ladies Room...
Meanwhile, across town in the city jail for the criminaly insane, Guy Until thhe Bridge sits
in the dark, plotting....
the dismemberment of the Elephant Trunk...but he can't figure out what to...
Hey theres no stand up thingys in here... I begin to suspect I took a wrong...
turn at Alburquerque.
I will get outta this place. I will bestow my revenge, GUTB was fuming.
He was roused out of his deep thought. He had more dire and pressing concerns. Bubba his
cellmate was back from his workout, and watching the Spice channel on cable in the rec room.
Bubba had that evil grin on his face once again, it had to be the third time today
alone.....
so glub proceeded yet again to pull out his lacey panties
After adorning his garment, (And nothing else) once again started his bizarre ritual of
screaming "Woo-woo" flapping his arms like a bird and dancing around his cell. This is what
Bubba liked. GUTB then grabbed the bars and......
proceeded to try and do a pole dance, but bonked his
corsage as he tried to ring around posy.... the swelling cut off his
blood flow to his brain and he passed out, when he woke up he found
Himself hanging over the bars for the walkway to the cells, with the bulk of the prison
population laughing at him. The humiliation was pressing but not foremost on his mind at the
moment. The burning sensation he had in his....
...nose. Seems he had been nostril raped while unconscious. "Oh, what next," he thought.
when suddenly...
a trunkless elephant appeared, in what can only be described as a bad mood. Rearing up on
it's hind legs, the elephant let out a gush of wind, which would no doubt have been a
fearsome bellow if he had had his trunk, but undaunted he continued his assault by stamping
down hard on the head of...
Thom, who happened to be standing by innocently. As the elephants foot came down upon his
head, he thought to himself......
I am the proverbial bug on a windshield.
"What the first thing that goes through Thoms mind when
stomped on by an elephant? His azzhole!"
That was his next to final thought.
His final thought was....
Thoughtlessy Thom Thidesteped only to fall into.
I shoulda had a V-8...and then Thom....
Happened to be fortunately standing on soft ground, and so was not crushed to death, but was
imprinted into the soft soil. The elephant, satisfied with his revenge, went to take back
what was his. The elephant opened Thoms zipper, and to his dismay.....
he saw a sled with Reindeer, then we heard him exclaim as he ran out of site...
I've been hoodwinked, Someone will pay with his...
GUTB (A.K.A. "Bubba") trading cards.
But he will never, ever let go of his most worthwhile card in the collection. Mickey Mantles
value in a card pales in comparison. Thom would guard with his dying breath the GUTB pre-op
card. The elephant was rifling his pockets looking for something of value on Thom, and Thom,
who was coming to, realized the elephant was close to....
...his secret photos taken off the internet of Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan porn. Thom
with hours of Counter-Strike play behind him knew exactly what to do to stop any dark
secrets emerging about him.
Quickly he found a knife and cut off the elephants tail.
Once his fit of rage had subsided and he took pity on the screaming elephant he phoned up
JohnnyGURU who he knew was a technical support ace in the hope of some useful information
about fixing or RMA'ing this elelphant after all the punishment it has just taken.
However, JohnnyGURU's reply on the phone was....
YOU F*CKING IDIOT WITH YOUR RMA'S!! I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE! I'M GETTING OFF THIS PHONE
NOW AND I'M......
Gonna go to the corner store, you know the one where they sell all the..........
bubble gum flavored
Condoms. I will take one of these, strech it over your head, and suffocate you! I'll get the
ribbed variety to make it that much more unpleasant for you.
Meanwhile back at the Paulson and Hubbs residence.....
They were sifting through old photographs, and Hubbs started laughing hysterical at the
picture of Paulson......
and his friend, Red Dawn. They were at a skating rink
Only strange thing was Paulson was skating, and Red was on the zamboni trying to run him
down. The look on Paulsons face was priceless. The thing that was curious is who could have
taken such a picture? Paulson explained that it was....
Rio Rebel, who...
Meanwhile, in another part of town, FiddleDD was thinking to herself.....
All that time I wasted on Paulson when Hubbs was really the one I wanted. Never mind, I
think I'll post a message on the forum.
However, while she was there she found a link in one of the threads that went to a lonely
hearts forum and saw a post from.....
Dennilfloss. But she noticed that he had a unique song in his sig......
the old grammer school bawdy classic "Shaving Cream"...
She spent her time trying to get rid of those pesky little dark hairs on her chin. When she
had gone to the doctor, they gave her a very interesting "cure"......
The doctor told her to...stick your head up an elephants behind and twist and you will no
longer care about those pesky hairs on your chin anymore, but instead of listening to the
doctor she....
Thought...."Why should I do that? If I was meant to have hair on my chin....then so be it.
I'll grow a beard!"
Upon her decision to grow a beard, she.....
had another thought that involved the velcro concept..........
two circus dwarves and a sticky copy of Paulson and Hobbs' Victoria's Secret Catalog...
so she rolled up the Victoria's Secret catalog and begged and pleaded with the Dwarves, and
finally they listened to her request. Taking the magazine, they wandered off in the
direction of....
Paulsons house. Fiddle was miffed that Paulson had the magazine first and now all the pages
were stuck together. When she arrived at his house....
she was shocked to find laying nekkid in Paulon's bed.......
Pamela Anderson.....
and Shocking Blue......and they were involved in a very strange ancient mating ritual
from...
Egypt. First they started with the scented oils......
A mutated monkey of some kind. She went over to pet it, and was taken aback by....
SirFshAlot looking on, wearing...
unironed clothing, as usual....
and an all leather bra and suspenders to match...
Fiddle was furious that he had gotten into her personal stash of clothing again...and
begun..
Why, they were taken from her closet! And he had even shaved his legs for the occasion. So
she started to....
get out another razor...
But all of a sudden, IBM's big blue turned up with that new IBM patented dildo. Now that IBM
had given it legs and arms too it finally had enough of playing chess and wanted some real
action and started to...
Run to town. It wanted to go to that new internet cafe and meet....
BOBBY RIBS (who was cutting holes in all his pants pockets before heading over to the local
grammer school for the blind)
Now Bobby was about to tell Fiddle about the scoop on...
what was up with Locutus of the board, and his new found son Paulson, when suddenly..
Stu and SMG. About how they are expecting a baby
and the truth behind the whole "Hitachi/Buy.com monitor" thing, when...
In bursts through the door of the cafe....Dennilfloss dressed in full fatigues with rounds
wrapped around him like Rambo. Threatening to shoot everyone if he didn't get Buffy. He
wanted to sabatoge Stu's plans. He procliamed to Buffy his undying love for her and.......
told her he would never touch swiss cheese again as long as he lived, if she would just come
back. Then he....
asked her to come with him on an archeological dig, and she rejected him for stu-baby. He
then proceeded to delete all 1300 jpeg's from his 'puter, and then he went out to celebrate
because the Buffy curse had finally been lifted. At the Lizard Lounge bar he met up with....
Russ, who considers anything archaeological positively comtemporary. Anyway, Russ took the
opportunity to remind everyone to start cracking rc5 again and then gaped in amazement as...
He saw Crysla, the Bad Little Princess. She was wearing her favorite leopard print leather
skirt and matching top. He was going nuts. He just had to ask her......
how to get to Sesame Street
AND, where he could find that in a size 22, and matching size 12 pumps to boot....
She told him, I don't know about there, but I can take you to the dark side....
More than happy to tell him her secret store, she told him how to get, how to get to...her
secret store of course. So...overcome with joy, Russ took Viper GTS with him. "Let's go get
me some new clothes!" So...Russ and Viper left for the store.......
when all of a sudden......
an incredible 90 foot nef rising out of the ground, and with his terrible bad breath it let
out a savage roar "...
that nearly deafened everbody in the vicinity.
Then all of a sudden appeared Roger with a modified water cooler that sprayed out water at
100 mph.
He took aim straight at the heart....
Thus killing the pesky nef. Roger received a medal of honor for his brave nef/troll hunting.
His medal was presented by......
none other than Anand Lal Shimpi. it was of course shaped as a tiny motherboard. Roger was
the talk of the board for his brave feat, and announced to all who would listen "...
That he had also won the RC5 contest just seconds before, and was going to use the $1000
prize to pump some cash into Killbat's Railgun project.
EVERYONE turned to vss1980 and told him to go to bed because he had an exam in the
morning...
Vince finally said good-night to all the board "GOODNIGHT ALL" and logged off the anandtech
forum and started to mentally prepare for his exam by getting some sleep.
Meanwhile... in the batcave...
Perknose was plotting to overthrow the government of______in a desperate attempt to________
legalize barnyard sodomy which he had experienced many years before with
his Elite member
Which by now was covered in Cheez Whiz and was looking particularly tasty to the killer Ritz
crackers that had been harassing the locals. Unaffected he trudged forward into...
the night, searching for the perfect end to a glorious, fulfilling day of decadence, when he
came upon his friends hubbs and Paulson who invited him to
the movie:
"Pirates of Silicon Valley", the true story of....
Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith. It was a very good movie, especially the part
that.......
Involved a hamster, a roll of duct tape, and a tube of KY Jelly.. But what was even more
amazing was that...
The amazing sense of deja vu that the movie brought forth to all the participants. Paulson,
Hubbs, and Perk all did the devious deed some few years earlier. The only person missing
from this debacle was....
LoB who had wandered off in search of the mysterious
Gixxer750cc who had mysteriously vanished, and appeared to be taken over by an alien
presence. and that presence now called the combined human/alien entity SirFshAlot. This
being was....
hairy and
liked to fish... a lot.
but anyway, thats beside the point really.
Anyway, Paulson and Hubbs were walking along (we didn't kill them yet, right?) when suddenly
Paulson fell into a large 50metre deep pit full of spikes and tigers. As he fell, he grabbed
onto Hubb's arm and clinged on for dear life.....
Hubbs proceed to pull pauslon out when one if the tigers decide to take off paulsons foot.
Un fortunately, the tiger are got away with pauslons shoe.
The tiger then caught foot and mouth disease from Paulson's shoe, and vowed to get revenge.
Meanwhile...
on an deserted island, sunbathing nude on the beach was Red Dawn, He had fallen asleep...
And was awakened very pleasantly. Still groggy and fighting the bright sun, he couldn't see.
Red was right at that point. It was the best he ever had. When his vision finally cleared,
to his utter terror, he looked down and saw that it was....
none other than Hilary Clinton, who was in the area running for Congress, and decided to
have a little fun of her own. She looked at him and said..
you got it all over my dress...so she jumped in the water to get it clean...but
Her dress was hitched by a fishing hook. The angler, who was under the impression that he
had caught himself a marlin, dragged the hapless Hillary out to sea. When she was netted,
the person that caught her was....
Adul. He looked at her and said....
Hillary is Suck, and she in turn....
swam back to the island, because Adul in all his nekkidness frightened her. Hilary then
proceeded to suck all the bananas out of their peels, leaving the island with no more food.
At that moment Airforce 1 landed, picked up Hilary, and Red Dawn was left sunburned and to
fend for himself. Meanwhile on the other side of gilligan's Island....
Ginger happened to be wandering through the underbrush, looking for any bananas. (gilligan
was afraid of chicks you remember) And stumbled upon Red, who was passed out from lack of
food. In her frustration, Ginger fashioned two bamboo shoots, tied them to the sides and
proceeded to......
make bannana cream pie....
The skipper happened to be following Ginger b/c he was afraid of her getting lost. After
witnessing the debacle and getting some ideas, the skipper wandered back to camp calling
"little buddy, little buddy, where are you?"
"S K I P P E R !!!" yelled gilligan, "Look what I found floating in the lagoon, it's a
little cuban boy clinging to a hay covered raft." "Now we can fulfill that fantasy you were
telling me about last night" said the skipper, as he ran back to their hut...
where Red Dawn was examining the inscription above the hammocks........"Skipper Hubbs" and
"gilligan Paulson", which made perfect sense to him in retrospect, after all....
He now realized why they were such buddies.
The professor witnessed the Skipper and gilligan dragging the hapless Cuban boy to their
hut. "where did you find this boy?"
Gilligan: "In the lagoon, he floated up on a inner tube with hay on it."
Professor: "This boy is obviously Cuban, that is quite remarkable.Cuba has to be at least
10,000 miles away. How could this boy have survived. He obviously is emaciated and near
death. We could use this boy to get off the island."
Skipper: "How?"
Professor: "We'll adopt him. Word will spread, and the U.S government will send troops to
get the child back off deserted island property."
Gilligan: ......................................
<<EDIT>>
And thanks for the goodbyes, but I just like my post count. I think I'll leave it be for
awhile. 😀
One day a couple of people decided to post on a
forum. They were wandering about on the web, and
found a place called www.anandtech.com.
Well, since they were thinking about having kids for a while, they thought now would be a
good time, and start them off right using a forum. So 9 months later, out popped two twins.
They decided to name them Paulson and hubbs.
They were Siamese twins, connected at the brain.
They separated them. They both lived, but one
had 90% of the brains.
With which the smarter side of the two kept bickering with the more dumb side of the siamese
twins.
The side that had 10% of the brains was such an idiot, everytime they walked they kept
tripping due to the inability to synchronize...
Later in life, the idiot one hooked up, and actually found
an outlet for his idiotic nature. His mom and dad bought
him a computer to play with.
He started frequenting porn sites and became so addicted he had to move his computer into
the bathroom.
One fine Saturday, his parents discovered him. Luckily, he hadn't quite "come of age", so
the bathroom walls were still squeeky clean. They asked him what he was up to, to which he
responded...
I was doing what my friend taught me the other day. He called it:
"Bopping the baloney"
To which his mother freaked out and screamed...
"Thats why you wanted swiss cheese this time!"
And then she dead fainted away.
The poor idiot was still randy, and
said "ya know, moms pretty hot" and
proceeded to..
take pictures of his mom in the shower and started his own porn site. After 3 days of
running his porn site his father ran into his room screaming...
Oh my god, couldn't you have shaved her back first? He then proceeded to......
reveal his true identity to his son, "I am Locutus of Board, your website will be
assimilated into my porn empire, resistance is futile." To which Paulon responded...
"...not now dad...Locutus or whatever...people are trying to hook me up with some chicas
from Russia. Mail-IN-Wife or something like that...which reminds me dad...long story short,
blow up doll popped, need credit card, meet daughter in Law, Natasha. All of a sudden Hubbs
burst into the room boasting....
You can borrow my blow up GUTB doll,Just don't.........
... he lost his train of thought and immediatly grew angry at the sight of Natasha, what was
his son thinking, Natasha was in her eighties and blind. He knew he had to do something, but
what, when all of a sudden...
...the doorbell rang. It was Lara Croft! "Hello, is Paulson home?" To which Paulson
reponded, "Not now...talking to the wifey". Upon hearing that, Hubbs and Locutus slapped
Paulson. "Paulson...what are you doing?! IT'S LARA CROFT!!!!" To which Paulson responded...
I'd prefer Gordan Freeman
and I already played Womb Raider with my wife, Lara is yours for the taking, now leave me to
my...
mad mad porn movie reviewing
Which is featuring my wife as: Slim Shady
To his shock and eager surprise during his mad mad porn reviewing he discovered Slim Shady
was a trasvestite and his life now seemed blissfully complete but something was missing,
that something was...
...the ability to purchase alcohol...poor Natasha...she had wanted to come to America in
search of the prized beverage known as Beer. Upon realizing this...Natasha...
Slapped him with a patch kit for Hubbs blow up doll (in case of emergencies). Then she...
Ran off with JBAR because she heard that he's a sexy b!tch. While they were out, they
noticed that someone was following them, lurking in the shadows....
"Are you cracking RC5 yet!" he yelled.
He ran away screaming down the street, and ended up falling over the curb. He went to get up
and realized he was laying at the feet of......
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Words could not express the vision before his
eyes. Her hair looked as if it were soft as silk. Her eyes were stormy gray pools. Who is
this creature? What is her name? But, before he was able to utter the questions that he so
longed to ask.....
..she had realized, that the situation had become uncomfortable. She hurriedly vacated the
scene, while Russ unaware of what might have come, cleaned himself off. Just as he got up,
Paulson and Hubbs, had told him that the lady who had just ran off, was indeed infatuated
with Russ...upon hearing this, Russ had limped off into the direction he had seen her go. As
he walked up the porch to an extravagantly large house he was....
Struck by a bolt of lightning. As he lie there motionless......
Hubbs and paulson frantically fought over who was going to give Russ mouth to mouth first.It
was a drag down knock out fight.In the end they came to an agreement,I'll take one end,you
take the other.Russ jumps back to life and says...........
"I have just been violated!!" *In the hamster voice from Dr. Dolittle.*
And Russ thought "I've never even seen Dr. Dolittle!" "What the hell is with the hamster
voice!" "What could it sound like?" "Oh my God nooooooooooooooooo!" "It's....."
Imaginer in his AMD Gigazord ready and armed!!!
Then, Russ exclaimes, "Imaginer? Who's Imaginer?" So, having had mouth-to-mouth and been
revived successfully, he entered the house that held the mysterious woman.
To Russ' delight, she worked for AMD...and the woman had brought home a few samples. Not
paying attention to the woman holding the glass of champagne, Russ ran towards the new
thunderbirds, stepping on, and killing the woman's dog, who had been her companion for 12
years. Speechless, Russ...
paused for a moment to regain his composure, turned to the woman, bowed deeply from the
waist in an elegant Old World gentlemanly style, picked up her now dead miniature schnauzer,
"H8Tank", and said, with a deep sigh of concern, "You really ought to get this throw rug
cleaned", and threw the still warm carcass against her far wall, where it shattered her
exquisitely framed nude action photo of Red Dawn hands free shifting his Harley with his
Anandtech elite member. "Christ!", roared Russ, "how the hell am I going to get this putrid
H8Tank-like stink off my fingers!! Why, when I find out who put me in this thread in the
first place, I'm going to . . .
"blame Paulson...everyone does anyway." Then Russ goes on a murderous killing spree thru Hot
Deals...screaming at the top of his lungs...."Go to hell, you lily-livered slimeballs." And
when he is done, Russ.....
Russ asks himself, "Did I actually just say lily-livered slimeballs"? Wow...musta been the
mouse-to-mouse I received.
he pinches himself to make sure that he's not dreaming...Thats funny he thinks, "That didn't
hurt at all, maybe I am"...
Just then Roger walks in the house. Looking around, he says, "Have you seen those trolls
Paulson and Hubbs?" When I find them I am going to.......
Tie them up and gag them, slather their butt cracks with vaseline. I will then proceed
to.....
Go into the kitchen, fire up the stove and make some oatmeal. While enjoying the oatmeal...
Feed the Donkey he brought with him the extra oatmeal, in order to give the beast strength
for the next task at hand. The two beleaguered bound victims.
Feelin the need for a piece of ass...and they are bound!
He prepares to perform an act that is illegal in every state south of the Mason/Dixon line.
"But first", he thinks aloud, "some coffee and a cigarette". As he looked for a light for
his cig....
Out of nowhere, A sheep walks up...and
Sheeplessly looking at the ass I ponder
what if that sheep were really a gorgeous naked Man...
as if by magic, it was Nowhereman who appeared (after all, we were talking about sheep) and
screamed at the top of his voice, and i can tell you it's high pitched, "My god, what have
all my monkeys become? Now i'll never be able to...."
get that sex change afterall, but I would really like to do this one surgery to my body, its
called:
The elephant conversion.
This is where you place a piece of elephant trunk to supplement your "member"
but then he got a craving for some peanuts...but
He went out on his first date after the operation.
They were at the table having dinner, when his new "member"
popped out, and took a biscuit out of the breadbasket.
Pulled it back, and disappeared under the table.
It did it two more times.
His date, wide eyed pronounced "Am I supposed to be
impressed? Well lover, I am. Can you do it one more time?"
Nowhere man muttered " I would for you, but I don't think
I can fit another biscuit up my butt."
So then he proceeded to the Ladies Room...
Meanwhile, across town in the city jail for the criminaly insane, Guy Until thhe Bridge sits
in the dark, plotting....
the dismemberment of the Elephant Trunk...but he can't figure out what to...
Hey theres no stand up thingys in here... I begin to suspect I took a wrong...
turn at Alburquerque.
I will get outta this place. I will bestow my revenge, GUTB was fuming.
He was roused out of his deep thought. He had more dire and pressing concerns. Bubba his
cellmate was back from his workout, and watching the Spice channel on cable in the rec room.
Bubba had that evil grin on his face once again, it had to be the third time today
alone.....
so glub proceeded yet again to pull out his lacey panties
After adorning his garment, (And nothing else) once again started his bizarre ritual of
screaming "Woo-woo" flapping his arms like a bird and dancing around his cell. This is what
Bubba liked. GUTB then grabbed the bars and......
proceeded to try and do a pole dance, but bonked his
corsage as he tried to ring around posy.... the swelling cut off his
blood flow to his brain and he passed out, when he woke up he found
Himself hanging over the bars for the walkway to the cells, with the bulk of the prison
population laughing at him. The humiliation was pressing but not foremost on his mind at the
moment. The burning sensation he had in his....
...nose. Seems he had been nostril raped while unconscious. "Oh, what next," he thought.
when suddenly...
a trunkless elephant appeared, in what can only be described as a bad mood. Rearing up on
it's hind legs, the elephant let out a gush of wind, which would no doubt have been a
fearsome bellow if he had had his trunk, but undaunted he continued his assault by stamping
down hard on the head of...
Thom, who happened to be standing by innocently. As the elephants foot came down upon his
head, he thought to himself......
I am the proverbial bug on a windshield.
"What the first thing that goes through Thoms mind when
stomped on by an elephant? His azzhole!"
That was his next to final thought.
His final thought was....
Thoughtlessy Thom Thidesteped only to fall into.
I shoulda had a V-8...and then Thom....
Happened to be fortunately standing on soft ground, and so was not crushed to death, but was
imprinted into the soft soil. The elephant, satisfied with his revenge, went to take back
what was his. The elephant opened Thoms zipper, and to his dismay.....
he saw a sled with Reindeer, then we heard him exclaim as he ran out of site...
I've been hoodwinked, Someone will pay with his...
GUTB (A.K.A. "Bubba") trading cards.
But he will never, ever let go of his most worthwhile card in the collection. Mickey Mantles
value in a card pales in comparison. Thom would guard with his dying breath the GUTB pre-op
card. The elephant was rifling his pockets looking for something of value on Thom, and Thom,
who was coming to, realized the elephant was close to....
...his secret photos taken off the internet of Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan porn. Thom
with hours of Counter-Strike play behind him knew exactly what to do to stop any dark
secrets emerging about him.
Quickly he found a knife and cut off the elephants tail.
Once his fit of rage had subsided and he took pity on the screaming elephant he phoned up
JohnnyGURU who he knew was a technical support ace in the hope of some useful information
about fixing or RMA'ing this elelphant after all the punishment it has just taken.
However, JohnnyGURU's reply on the phone was....
YOU F*CKING IDIOT WITH YOUR RMA'S!! I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE! I'M GETTING OFF THIS PHONE
NOW AND I'M......
Gonna go to the corner store, you know the one where they sell all the..........
bubble gum flavored
Condoms. I will take one of these, strech it over your head, and suffocate you! I'll get the
ribbed variety to make it that much more unpleasant for you.
Meanwhile back at the Paulson and Hubbs residence.....
They were sifting through old photographs, and Hubbs started laughing hysterical at the
picture of Paulson......
and his friend, Red Dawn. They were at a skating rink
Only strange thing was Paulson was skating, and Red was on the zamboni trying to run him
down. The look on Paulsons face was priceless. The thing that was curious is who could have
taken such a picture? Paulson explained that it was....
Rio Rebel, who...
Meanwhile, in another part of town, FiddleDD was thinking to herself.....
All that time I wasted on Paulson when Hubbs was really the one I wanted. Never mind, I
think I'll post a message on the forum.
However, while she was there she found a link in one of the threads that went to a lonely
hearts forum and saw a post from.....
Dennilfloss. But she noticed that he had a unique song in his sig......
the old grammer school bawdy classic "Shaving Cream"...
She spent her time trying to get rid of those pesky little dark hairs on her chin. When she
had gone to the doctor, they gave her a very interesting "cure"......
The doctor told her to...stick your head up an elephants behind and twist and you will no
longer care about those pesky hairs on your chin anymore, but instead of listening to the
doctor she....
Thought...."Why should I do that? If I was meant to have hair on my chin....then so be it.
I'll grow a beard!"
Upon her decision to grow a beard, she.....
had another thought that involved the velcro concept..........
two circus dwarves and a sticky copy of Paulson and Hobbs' Victoria's Secret Catalog...
so she rolled up the Victoria's Secret catalog and begged and pleaded with the Dwarves, and
finally they listened to her request. Taking the magazine, they wandered off in the
direction of....
Paulsons house. Fiddle was miffed that Paulson had the magazine first and now all the pages
were stuck together. When she arrived at his house....
she was shocked to find laying nekkid in Paulon's bed.......
Pamela Anderson.....
and Shocking Blue......and they were involved in a very strange ancient mating ritual
from...
Egypt. First they started with the scented oils......
A mutated monkey of some kind. She went over to pet it, and was taken aback by....
SirFshAlot looking on, wearing...
unironed clothing, as usual....
and an all leather bra and suspenders to match...
Fiddle was furious that he had gotten into her personal stash of clothing again...and
begun..
Why, they were taken from her closet! And he had even shaved his legs for the occasion. So
she started to....
get out another razor...
But all of a sudden, IBM's big blue turned up with that new IBM patented dildo. Now that IBM
had given it legs and arms too it finally had enough of playing chess and wanted some real
action and started to...
Run to town. It wanted to go to that new internet cafe and meet....
BOBBY RIBS (who was cutting holes in all his pants pockets before heading over to the local
grammer school for the blind)
Now Bobby was about to tell Fiddle about the scoop on...
what was up with Locutus of the board, and his new found son Paulson, when suddenly..
Stu and SMG. About how they are expecting a baby
and the truth behind the whole "Hitachi/Buy.com monitor" thing, when...
In bursts through the door of the cafe....Dennilfloss dressed in full fatigues with rounds
wrapped around him like Rambo. Threatening to shoot everyone if he didn't get Buffy. He
wanted to sabatoge Stu's plans. He procliamed to Buffy his undying love for her and.......
told her he would never touch swiss cheese again as long as he lived, if she would just come
back. Then he....
asked her to come with him on an archeological dig, and she rejected him for stu-baby. He
then proceeded to delete all 1300 jpeg's from his 'puter, and then he went out to celebrate
because the Buffy curse had finally been lifted. At the Lizard Lounge bar he met up with....
Russ, who considers anything archaeological positively comtemporary. Anyway, Russ took the
opportunity to remind everyone to start cracking rc5 again and then gaped in amazement as...
He saw Crysla, the Bad Little Princess. She was wearing her favorite leopard print leather
skirt and matching top. He was going nuts. He just had to ask her......
how to get to Sesame Street
AND, where he could find that in a size 22, and matching size 12 pumps to boot....
She told him, I don't know about there, but I can take you to the dark side....
More than happy to tell him her secret store, she told him how to get, how to get to...her
secret store of course. So...overcome with joy, Russ took Viper GTS with him. "Let's go get
me some new clothes!" So...Russ and Viper left for the store.......
when all of a sudden......
an incredible 90 foot nef rising out of the ground, and with his terrible bad breath it let
out a savage roar "...
that nearly deafened everbody in the vicinity.
Then all of a sudden appeared Roger with a modified water cooler that sprayed out water at
100 mph.
He took aim straight at the heart....
Thus killing the pesky nef. Roger received a medal of honor for his brave nef/troll hunting.
His medal was presented by......
none other than Anand Lal Shimpi. it was of course shaped as a tiny motherboard. Roger was
the talk of the board for his brave feat, and announced to all who would listen "...
That he had also won the RC5 contest just seconds before, and was going to use the $1000
prize to pump some cash into Killbat's Railgun project.
EVERYONE turned to vss1980 and told him to go to bed because he had an exam in the
morning...
Vince finally said good-night to all the board "GOODNIGHT ALL" and logged off the anandtech
forum and started to mentally prepare for his exam by getting some sleep.
Meanwhile... in the batcave...
Perknose was plotting to overthrow the government of______in a desperate attempt to________
legalize barnyard sodomy which he had experienced many years before with
his Elite member
Which by now was covered in Cheez Whiz and was looking particularly tasty to the killer Ritz
crackers that had been harassing the locals. Unaffected he trudged forward into...
the night, searching for the perfect end to a glorious, fulfilling day of decadence, when he
came upon his friends hubbs and Paulson who invited him to
the movie:
"Pirates of Silicon Valley", the true story of....
Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith. It was a very good movie, especially the part
that.......
Involved a hamster, a roll of duct tape, and a tube of KY Jelly.. But what was even more
amazing was that...
The amazing sense of deja vu that the movie brought forth to all the participants. Paulson,
Hubbs, and Perk all did the devious deed some few years earlier. The only person missing
from this debacle was....
LoB who had wandered off in search of the mysterious
Gixxer750cc who had mysteriously vanished, and appeared to be taken over by an alien
presence. and that presence now called the combined human/alien entity SirFshAlot. This
being was....
hairy and
liked to fish... a lot.
but anyway, thats beside the point really.
Anyway, Paulson and Hubbs were walking along (we didn't kill them yet, right?) when suddenly
Paulson fell into a large 50metre deep pit full of spikes and tigers. As he fell, he grabbed
onto Hubb's arm and clinged on for dear life.....
Hubbs proceed to pull pauslon out when one if the tigers decide to take off paulsons foot.
Un fortunately, the tiger are got away with pauslons shoe.
The tiger then caught foot and mouth disease from Paulson's shoe, and vowed to get revenge.
Meanwhile...
on an deserted island, sunbathing nude on the beach was Red Dawn, He had fallen asleep...
And was awakened very pleasantly. Still groggy and fighting the bright sun, he couldn't see.
Red was right at that point. It was the best he ever had. When his vision finally cleared,
to his utter terror, he looked down and saw that it was....
none other than Hilary Clinton, who was in the area running for Congress, and decided to
have a little fun of her own. She looked at him and said..
you got it all over my dress...so she jumped in the water to get it clean...but
Her dress was hitched by a fishing hook. The angler, who was under the impression that he
had caught himself a marlin, dragged the hapless Hillary out to sea. When she was netted,
the person that caught her was....
Adul. He looked at her and said....
Hillary is Suck, and she in turn....
swam back to the island, because Adul in all his nekkidness frightened her. Hilary then
proceeded to suck all the bananas out of their peels, leaving the island with no more food.
At that moment Airforce 1 landed, picked up Hilary, and Red Dawn was left sunburned and to
fend for himself. Meanwhile on the other side of gilligan's Island....
Ginger happened to be wandering through the underbrush, looking for any bananas. (gilligan
was afraid of chicks you remember) And stumbled upon Red, who was passed out from lack of
food. In her frustration, Ginger fashioned two bamboo shoots, tied them to the sides and
proceeded to......
make bannana cream pie....
The skipper happened to be following Ginger b/c he was afraid of her getting lost. After
witnessing the debacle and getting some ideas, the skipper wandered back to camp calling
"little buddy, little buddy, where are you?"
"S K I P P E R !!!" yelled gilligan, "Look what I found floating in the lagoon, it's a
little cuban boy clinging to a hay covered raft." "Now we can fulfill that fantasy you were
telling me about last night" said the skipper, as he ran back to their hut...
where Red Dawn was examining the inscription above the hammocks........"Skipper Hubbs" and
"gilligan Paulson", which made perfect sense to him in retrospect, after all....
He now realized why they were such buddies.
The professor witnessed the Skipper and gilligan dragging the hapless Cuban boy to their
hut. "where did you find this boy?"
Gilligan: "In the lagoon, he floated up on a inner tube with hay on it."
Professor: "This boy is obviously Cuban, that is quite remarkable.Cuba has to be at least
10,000 miles away. How could this boy have survived. He obviously is emaciated and near
death. We could use this boy to get off the island."
Skipper: "How?"
Professor: "We'll adopt him. Word will spread, and the U.S government will send troops to
get the child back off deserted island property."
Gilligan: ......................................
