Married people that KNOW you made a mistake - why don't you admit it?

[MichaelD]

This has puzzled me for years. I see so many "Married with Children" couples everyday...half of them look miserable 100% of the time.

Example. I went to BK for lunch. Sitting there eating (in the corner, of course) when three In-Need-Of-Ritalin Children run by...and stop at the table next to me. Damn. Here comes Mom and Dad, carrying a tray full of happy meals. But they didn't look too happy.

They sit down and proceed to tear into lunch. The kids are screaming at each other. The wife is speaking in hushed-angry-sounding tones to Dad. Dad had this look on his face...it was so sad...I wanted to get my piece out of the truck and put him out of his misery...he looked like a dog that got hit by a car, but it was still alive and looking up at you w/those big, sad eyes.

I work w/a guy; married, two kids. His wife is always calling and nagging him about something...he never has free time...always at soccer or ballet...yet if you ask him "is everything OK at home?" He always gives you the "oh yeah! Just great! Never better!" patent answer.

Why don't married folks that are miserable ever admit that they are? Why are they afraid to admit they made a MISTAKE by getting married, having a kid...then having two more kids. Now your wife/husband is a bloated beast and it's too late....why deny it?

 

[ATLien247]

Typical MichaelD thread...

 

[dirtboy]

I was miserable being married. My ex-wife wasn't happy before, during and probably still isn't happy. Luckily I had the foresight to come up with every excuse in the world to not have children with her. I didn't want to bring children into the world only to have an unstable mother plus, I didn't know if I would ever get out of the relationship and children would keep me in the relationship. Actually I hoped she would change and get better, but when she dropped the divorce papers on my lap one day, it was like getting a Get Out of Jail Free card. I will be the first to admit that my marriage was a mistake.

 

[dullard]

We could ask the same question to people who are 50 and still unmarried. "Why won't they admit that they regret not having a family?"

The thing is that people DO admit they made a mistake (its called divorce). I'm sure a dictionary will tell you what that means, since you obviously haven't heard of it.

But lets look at your BK example. You are making a huge number of assumptions (like assuming they are married, that those are their kids, that the Dad didn't just have a close friend die, etc.), but I'll accept your assumptions. The rowdy kids are the parents fault. You never see rowdy kids in a semi-strict family. You always see rowdy kids in a non-strict family. Your post gave me the feeling that you think all marriages with kids will have a miserable time like that family and that simply isn't true. Many couples are thrilled with how their family turned out. But if you are in a marriage with kids that didn't work out you have a choice: (A) stay or (B) leave. In some cases even if you made a mistake, the option (A) might be a better choice. So you tough it out during the hard times and wait until things get better. If option (B) is better then that is an okay choice too. Simply thinking that all people sticking out failed marriages (choice A) don't admit their mistakes is quite naive.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This has puzzled me for years. I see so many "Married with Children" couples everyday...half of them look miserable 100% of the time.

Example. I went to BK for lunch. Sitting there eating (in the corner, of course) when three In-Need-Of-Ritalin Children run by...and stop at the table next to me. Damn. Here comes Mom and Dad, carrying a tray full of happy meals. But they didn't look too happy.

They sit down and proceed to tear into lunch. The kids are screaming at each other. The wife is speaking in hushed-angry-sounding tones to Dad. Dad had this look on his face...it was so sad...I wanted to get my piece out of the truck and put him out of his misery...he looked like a dog that got hit by a car, but it was still alive and looking up at you w/those big, sad eyes.

I work w/a guy; married, two kids. His wife is always calling and nagging him about something...he never has free time...always at soccer or ballet...yet if you ask him "is everything OK at home?" He always gives you the "oh yeah! Just great! Never better!" patent answer.

Why don't married folks that are miserable ever admit that they are? Why are they afraid to admit they made a MISTAKE by getting married, having a kid...then having two more kids. Now your wife/husband is a bloated beast and it's too late....why deny it?

Because you hope that the labor intensity of life with small children is primarily responsible for your stress level and hope that things will improve as they get older.Also, how on earth do you look your kids in the face and tell them that they are mistakes ?

Your co-worker isn't going to go into detail with you regarding his marriage,nor should he,I've had the misfortune of being held hostage to a work peers marital horror stories and it's not fun


Btw,you aren't married but seem just as unhappy as these guys you're posting about.f

 

[Fausto]

I think people are often too quick to leap into marraige and then do all the wrong things to "fix" the relationship once they realize they're having serious problems. These "fixes" often seem to include having kids. There's this brief euphoric period where the couple revels in the new life they've created, but then they're both pretty much locked in like it or not from then on out.....hence the glum faces you see.

I'm a big believer in going slowly with relationships for just this reason. Sure, I took a lot of flak for taking *ahem* seven years to marry my now-wife after we'd started dating (although I was only 19 when we met), but I knew exactly what to expect when I proposed. I know there are some who think that this kind of approach (along with living together prior to marraige.....which I also firmly believe in) take some of the "magic" out of getting hitched, but I'd rather cash in some magic for years of happiness any day of the week.

 

[MichaelD]

This couple was married b/c they both had rings on and the kids referred to them as "Mom" and "Dad." Believe me, they both looked like they were having just SO much fun....

And I have heard of divorce, thanks much.

Part of my question is why people stick it out until something horrible happens. Don't give me that "for the kids" crap. I have a son, myself, and I didn't marry his mom b/c I know we would've killed each other before his first birthday. That's called being smart about things. Children are not a reason to get married.

My coworker isn't obligated to detail anything to me, but we are close and I have helped him out at his house (projects) on several occasions...I know what goes on there, b/c I see it w/my own two eyes. Yet "everything is fine." Is that why he belongs to every single sport/activity that he can possibly sign up for? So he is out of the house 6 nights a week? Yeshhhhh, home is "just fine" I'm sure.

 

[gopunk]

something horrible, like what?

not everybody hates their mate as much as you and your son's mom do... i say if you can tolerate the other person, marriage is the right thing to do, for the kid.

 

[HomeBrewerDude]

Assuming your assessments about the BK guy and your co-worker are correct, you still don't know, nor will you ever know, whether or not 'those trapped' spouses would really be any happier single or otherwise.

Besides, you see what you want to see, thats just human nature. The problem isn't with married people being trapped, its that YOU see married people AS IF they are trapped.

 

[MomAndSkoorbaby]

There is something you have to think about though when you see families like that.

I mean, we don't know anything about them do we? For all we know, the husband's mother died that morning or he is the uncle and the kids father just died...we just don't know, hence, we should not judge.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This couple was married b/c they both had rings on and the kids referred to them as "Mom" and "Dad." Believe me, they both looked like they were having just SO much fun....

And I have heard of divorce, thanks much.

Part of my question is why people stick it out until something horrible happens. Don't give me that "for the kids" crap. I have a son, myself, and I didn't marry his mom b/c I know we would've killed each other before his first birthday. That's called being smart about things. Children are not a reason to get married.

My coworker isn't obligated to detail anything to me, but we are close and I have helped him out at his house (projects) on several occasions...I know what goes on there, b/c I see it w/my own two eyes. Yet "everything is fine." Is that why he belongs to every single sport/activity that he can possibly sign up for? So he is out of the house 6 nights a week? Yeshhhhh, home is "just fine" I'm sure.

And the other side to that is the wife that's stuck handling the kids and house 6 nights out of seven with minimal help from him,once you have kids Michael, the focus of life becomes about them, you want to live a life that centers totally around yourself,that's cool but you can't expect to do that and give kids a proper upbringing.

 

[dirtboy]

Originally posted by: baffled2

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This has puzzled me for years. I see so many "Married with Children" couples everyday...half of them look miserable 100% of the time.

Example. I went to BK for lunch. Sitting there eating (in the corner, of course) when three In-Need-Of-Ritalin Children run by...and stop at the table next to me. Damn. Here comes Mom and Dad, carrying a tray full of happy meals. But they didn't look too happy.

They sit down and proceed to tear into lunch. The kids are screaming at each other. The wife is speaking in hushed-angry-sounding tones to Dad. Dad had this look on his face...it was so sad...I wanted to get my piece out of the truck and put him out of his misery...he looked like a dog that got hit by a car, but it was still alive and looking up at you w/those big, sad eyes.

I work w/a guy; married, two kids. His wife is always calling and nagging him about something...he never has free time...always at soccer or ballet...yet if you ask him "is everything OK at home?" He always gives you the "oh yeah! Just great! Never better!" patent answer.

Why don't married folks that are miserable ever admit that they are? Why are they afraid to admit they made a MISTAKE by getting married, having a kid...then having two more kids. Now your wife/husband is a bloated beast and it's too late....why deny it?

Your co-worker isn't going to go into detail with you regarding his marriage,nor should he,I've had the misfortune of being held hostage to a work peers marital horror stories and it's not fun

I actually like hearing about marital horror stories. It's a regular reminder of why I should stay single.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: gopunk
something horrible, like what?

not everybody hates their mate as much as you and your son's mom do... i say if you can tolerate the other person, marriage is the right thing to do, for the kid.

"Tolerate?" My God, man, you have much to learn. :Q Why DOOM yourself to a lifetime of woe and misery? The child will not grow up in a "normal happy home" with you and the missus grumbling and moaning at each other all the time. If there is no affection in the marriage, there will be no affection bestowed on the child...no REAL affection, anyway.

I love my son and I show it by spending time with him and teaching him to read, how to throw a football and about snakes (I have them as pets, and he's learning about them...makes him happy).

His mom loves him...in her own way. She's affectionate with him, but buys his affections with toys and treats....that's another thread, though.

*shrugs*Everyone has their own idea of a "happy marriage" I guess.

 

[gopunk]

single people like to hear horror stories about marriages because it makes them feel good about their own lives, just like married people don't like to take a hard look at the decisions they made because it would make them feel bad.

 

[gopunk]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: gopunk
something horrible, like what?

not everybody hates their mate as much as you and your son's mom do... i say if you can tolerate the other person, marriage is the right thing to do, for the kid.

"Tolerate?" My God, man, you have much to learn. :Q Why DOOM yourself to a lifetime of woe and misery? The child will not grow up in a "normal happy home" with you and the missus grumbling and moaning at each other all the time. If there is no affection in the marriage, there will be no affection bestowed on the child...no REAL affection, anyway.

I love my son and I show it by spending time with him and teaching him to read, how to throw a football and about snakes (I have them as pets, and he's learning about them...makes him happy).

His mom loves him...in her own way. She's affectionate with him, but buys his affections with toys and treats....that's another thread, though.

*shrugs*Everyone has their own idea of a "happy marriage" I guess.

since when does "tolerate" equal woe and misery? and there IS real affection bestowed on the child, why wouldn't there be? the child is not the other parent, after all.

i'll be brutally honest with you, i have an extremely low opinion of most (*ahem* most) people that don't stick together for the kids. both people should be mature enough to put aside their differences for the sake of the children. this isn't about you (you're an exception given the hellishness of the woman)

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: dirtboy

Originally posted by: baffled2

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This has puzzled me for years. I see so many "Married with Children" couples everyday...half of them look miserable 100% of the time.

Example. I went to BK for lunch. Sitting there eating (in the corner, of course) when three In-Need-Of-Ritalin Children run by...and stop at the table next to me. Damn. Here comes Mom and Dad, carrying a tray full of happy meals. But they didn't look too happy.

They sit down and proceed to tear into lunch. The kids are screaming at each other. The wife is speaking in hushed-angry-sounding tones to Dad. Dad had this look on his face...it was so sad...I wanted to get my piece out of the truck and put him out of his misery...he looked like a dog that got hit by a car, but it was still alive and looking up at you w/those big, sad eyes.

I work w/a guy; married, two kids. His wife is always calling and nagging him about something...he never has free time...always at soccer or ballet...yet if you ask him "is everything OK at home?" He always gives you the "oh yeah! Just great! Never better!" patent answer.

Why don't married folks that are miserable ever admit that they are? Why are they afraid to admit they made a MISTAKE by getting married, having a kid...then having two more kids. Now your wife/husband is a bloated beast and it's too late....why deny it?

Your co-worker isn't going to go into detail with you regarding his marriage,nor should he,I've had the misfortune of being held hostage to a work peers marital horror stories and it's not fun

I actually like hearing about marital horror stories. It's a regular reminder of why I should stay single.

Not me, I like the professional creedo where one leaves one's personal life on the outside of the workplace door.Lord knows there's enough ongoing drama in the workplace without adding home soap opera to the mix.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: baffled2

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This couple was married b/c they both had rings on and the kids referred to them as "Mom" and "Dad." Believe me, they both looked like they were having just SO much fun....

And I have heard of divorce, thanks much.

Part of my question is why people stick it out until something horrible happens. Don't give me that "for the kids" crap. I have a son, myself, and I didn't marry his mom b/c I know we would've killed each other before his first birthday. That's called being smart about things. Children are not a reason to get married.

My coworker isn't obligated to detail anything to me, but we are close and I have helped him out at his house (projects) on several occasions...I know what goes on there, b/c I see it w/my own two eyes. Yet "everything is fine." Is that why he belongs to every single sport/activity that he can possibly sign up for? So he is out of the house 6 nights a week? Yeshhhhh, home is "just fine" I'm sure.

And the other side to that is the wife that's stuck handling the kids and house 6 nights out of seven with minimal help from him,once you have kids Michael, the focus of life becomes about them, you want to live a life that centers totally around yourself,that's cool but you can't expect to do that and give kids a proper upbringing.

Nope, this is where you are wrong. I don't know if you have kids or not, but you know I have a son, so I know what I'm talking about.

Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way. My son is a huge part of my life, but he is not my TOTAL life. I have a career, bills, significant other, family, pets and hobbies. When you center every single thing you do around your kids, you lose yourself in the process.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

 

[gopunk]

Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way.

no, you're confusing lack of discipline with adequate attention.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

you shouldn't harass these people for it, they just would rather look after the children themselves, rather than have a stranger do it.

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

whoa whoa... i totally disagree. family comes first, then everything else. i agree, job is important, but a lot of that derives from the family. this is *exactly* the type of attitude that is all to prevalent in today's society, the "me-first" attitude.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: baffled2

Originally posted by: MichaelD
This couple was married b/c they both had rings on and the kids referred to them as "Mom" and "Dad." Believe me, they both looked like they were having just SO much fun....

And I have heard of divorce, thanks much.

Part of my question is why people stick it out until something horrible happens. Don't give me that "for the kids" crap. I have a son, myself, and I didn't marry his mom b/c I know we would've killed each other before his first birthday. That's called being smart about things. Children are not a reason to get married.

My coworker isn't obligated to detail anything to me, but we are close and I have helped him out at his house (projects) on several occasions...I know what goes on there, b/c I see it w/my own two eyes. Yet "everything is fine." Is that why he belongs to every single sport/activity that he can possibly sign up for? So he is out of the house 6 nights a week? Yeshhhhh, home is "just fine" I'm sure.

And the other side to that is the wife that's stuck handling the kids and house 6 nights out of seven with minimal help from him,once you have kids Michael, the focus of life becomes about them, you want to live a life that centers totally around yourself,that's cool but you can't expect to do that and give kids a proper upbringing.

Nope, this is where you are wrong. I don't know if you have kids or not, but you know I have a son, so I know what I'm talking about.

Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way. My son is a huge part of my life, but he is not my TOTAL life. I have a career, bills, significant other, family, pets and hobbies. When you center every single thing you do around your kids, you lose yourself in the process.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

Michael, my children are adults and I'll tell you this,my eldest is one pretty disrepectful,mouthy indiviual and the blame for that can be lauid squarely at my feet for divorcing instead of staying married.


A lot of the people posting here are by their own admission,socially inept,depressed and feeling alienatd and isolated from the rest of the world,most of them come from divorced homes I'd wager with parents who took the "me first" attitude


No michael,if children really mattered I wouldn't be divorced and you wouldn't have a child with a woman you hate, but hindsite is a 20/20
thing isn't it

 

[BD2003]

Sniff sniff.....I smell projection!

I feel sorry for your son.

 

[eakers]

some people would rather scarifice a little of themselves in order to be with the people they love and to make the lives of their loved ones a little happier.

i agree that once you have kids or even a marriage in general, you have to stop being selfish, you cant do stuff just because you're not happy because your actions directly effect the lives of those around you.

 

[MichaelD]

Originally posted by: gopunk
Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way.

no, you're confusing lack of discipline with adequate attention.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

you shouldn't harass these people for it, they just would rather look after the children themselves, rather than have a stranger do it.

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

whoa whoa... i totally disagree. family comes first, then everything else. i agree, job is important, but a lot of that derives from the family. this is *exactly* the type of attitude that is all to prevalent in today's society, the "me-first" attitude.

Without money (i.e. J-O-B) you are nowhere.

 

[gopunk]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: gopunk
Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way.

no, you're confusing lack of discipline with adequate attention.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

you shouldn't harass these people for it, they just would rather look after the children themselves, rather than have a stranger do it.

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

whoa whoa... i totally disagree. family comes first, then everything else. i agree, job is important, but a lot of that derives from the family. this is *exactly* the type of attitude that is all to prevalent in today's society, the "me-first" attitude.

Without money (i.e. J-O-B) you are nowhere.

yes, i agree... you need the job to support your family. that doesn't mean it is the most important though... you need gas to run a car, but does that mean that gas is more important than the car?

if the job is more important than the family, then it would be okay for people to just leave their families if a relocation would bring a promotion or a raise. as it is, for many people, it is a hard decision because they have to weigh the benefit to the family against the detriment.

 

[MichaelD]

Just a side note: I don't mean any disrespect to anyone...we're just talking, OK?

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: MichaelD

Originally posted by: gopunk
Children should NOT be the center of your world! This is why we have so many punk kids w/no manners running around these days, b/c parents kowtow to them in every way.

no, you're confusing lack of discipline with adequate attention.

I know too many parents that don't go to concerts, to play pool/shoot darts, etc, b/c "the kids can't come." So friggin' what? That's what baby sitters are for!!!

you shouldn't harass these people for it, they just would rather look after the children themselves, rather than have a stranger do it.

People that center their world around their kids need to take a reassessment of their priorities. Job comes first, then your personal sanity, then your kids and spouse. Not the other way around. Without job, family doesn't eat, wife files for divorce, then life gets really bad.

whoa whoa... i totally disagree. family comes first, then everything else. i agree, job is important, but a lot of that derives from the family. this is *exactly* the type of attitude that is all to prevalent in today's society, the "me-first" attitude.

Without money (i.e. J-O-B) you are nowhere.

Yeah but that's true for everybody married or single, the key thing is to find some balance, when you have kids sometimes that means finding flexible work that will allow you somew time to be with your family.There are still employers that are value family oriented workers


I think the bigger question is why this thread? you've made the choice to remain single,why care what married people do or don't do ?