Man, my company sucks!

GasX

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
29,033
6
81
Effective January 16th, these new policies are in effect at my company. I am so ready to quit!!! :|


SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ?A'? will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ?B? will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $2.23
Ma'am tax $1.23
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union don'ts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Various $8.01
Sundry $12.09
------------------------
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management
 

blackdogdeek

Lifer
Mar 14, 2003
14,454
10
81
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

lol
 

Sam334

Golden Member
Nov 20, 2004
1,150
0
0
Originally posted by: Mwilding
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $1.08
Down tax $1.14
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98



Tic-tacs. lol
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
24,998
3,327
126
Your pay is $1222.02 and taxes/other add up to $1130.06. Thus technically your take home pay is $91.96. You are 4598 times better off than you think.
 

GasX

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
29,033
6
81
Originally posted by: dullard
Your pay is $1222.02 and taxes/other add up to $1130.06. Thus technically your take home pay is $91.96. You are 4598 times better off than you think.
You added it all up?

Nerd Alert!
 

dullard

Elite Member
May 21, 2001
24,998
3,327
126
Originally posted by: Mwilding
You added it all up?

Nerd Alert!
Copy and paste into Excel took about 30 seconds including taking the time to subtract from the gross payment. Yes nerdy, but certainly no effort required. It just didn't appear to add up right when I first saw the post.

 

shekondar

Golden Member
Apr 10, 2003
1,119
0
0
I'd love to print this out & leave it on a particular co-worker's desk :evil:
(except that I don't want to be responsible for him having a heart attack!)
 

eakers

Lifer
Aug 14, 2000
12,169
2
0
i got a version of this that was similar but it had another section

personal days
each employ is allowed 110 personal days a year. they are called saturday and sunday.

edit: that is not right, how many saturday and sundays are there a year?