Living with depression *updated*

[Cogman]

I have an overweight roommate this semester that suffers from depression. Sometimes he makes comments like "We are such losers, it's Friday night and we are playing computer games." and "Another of my friends is getting married, you know, I'm getting sick of it."

Now me, I enjoy some nice alone time every so often, but I believe he gets way too much of it. Sometimes he comes off abrasively which makes it ever so hard for him to have a relationship.

Now, what can I do to help this guy, or at least how should I respond when he says things like that above? Mostly I have just kind of nodded, smiled and said "mmmhmm" and tried to stay neutral. I'm fairly certain I could get on his bad side quickly so I have been treading very lightly (after all, I have to live with him until april)

So far, he has not been on any dates this semester (we are 3 weeks in) and doesn't really have many prospects.

*update* Read this on his facebook account.

Well, its been almost a month since I've written anything and some recent problems of mine have got me thinking. One of the main questions I have had lately is just what am I doing in Rexburg. I was so sure that everything was going to be great as soon as I got to school here, but I guess that was really just wishful thinking because I am having so many problems, I don't even think I can name them all. But I am going to try.

Well anybody that knows me at all knows I battle depression heavily. It has gotten bad since I have been here, only instead of going away, it just keeps getting worse. I have so many things that are driving me insane and dragging me down, and the problem of it is that its all on my head how I am feeling, but the flip side to that coin is that no matter how hard I try, I keep having problems. I just don't know if its worth fighting anymore, I don't feel like I belong anymore, the people here are so much better than I am. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped, like there's no getting out. Then at other times I am sitting in a room full of people and yet I feel so far away because I just don't fit in. I don't know why, maybe I'm too fat, too ugly, too stupid, not funny enough, too much of a jerk, but the point is that this is how I feel that people view me. And it seems nothing I can do changes it, I just keep feeling that way.

I thought things would be different here, I figured new place, new Jared. Problem is same old insecure, low self-esteem, no self-confidence Jared is still here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm drifting away from everybody and evrything. I think I have alienated my FHE sisters to the point to where I am sure none of them really want me around anymore. I just feel like letting it all go and giving up.

Then there comes back my whole thing of being tired of being single. I graduated with 9 or 10 other guys who are mormon, all but one of them is married now. I am tired of being single, now guys who I grew up with who are like 3 years younger than I am are getting married. I am 23 and have had fewer than 5 meaningful relationships. I can honestly say I have only loved one girl in my life (other than my mother), but I let her slip through my fingers because I couldn't tell her because I was scared.

See here's the thing, I was once told that when people look at me, they think I can be slightly intimidating. People hang out with me and think I am hardened and bitter, they think I can handle things, here's the truth I can't. For as mean as I look, or hardened as I look, the truth remains that I am scared. I am scared that I will end up single for the rest of my life. I am scared that I will be rejected by everyone I know because of the problems I have. But most of all I am scared of failing. People look at me and see this gruff exterior, but truth be told, I spend a fair of time crying and feeling sorry for myself, my whole exterior is just a mask, the real Jared knows nothing and doesn't want to admit it. The real Jared knows he is fat, has bad teeth, isn't good looking, just can't bring himself to do anything about it. The real Jared just wants to fit in. The real Jared is scared.

 

[Q]

How overweight is he? Basically what I am asking is if he really wanted, would he have trouble getting a date?

 

[BigJ]

Get him out of the house. It doesn't matter if it's to go get lunch, have a beer, play pool, or shoot some hoops.

Getting out of the house and doing something can do wonders for people.

 

[TraumaRN]

You can always invite him out to do things. Thats is always an option.

However IMHO as a nurse, just hope he takes his meds and do your own thing. It's his life and if u try and intercede too much you may insult him and make him hate you. Depression is a tricky thing and hey if he wants to be miserable that is HIS choice.

Just don't let him drag you down into his misery. And certainly don't rub it in his face...

 

[sutahz]

"Mostly I have just kind of nodded, smiled and said "mmmhmm" and tried to stay neutral" be a true friend and give it to him "how it really is". Tell him his negatives, followed by (a few/some) positives and let him deal w/ it. If he's dragging you down, you want him to move. If you think you MAY be friends one day, but not w/ his current attitude, you need to help him change. People are too nice. If people told each other what they really thought more would be accomplished. You wouldn't be on as good as terms w/ everybody, but you'd be on better terms w/ some people.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. I won't let someone drag me down.
"Def. invite him to stuff until he goes one time." inviting someone to do things and being constantly told "no I dont feel like it" gets old, quick.

 

[Farang]

How many dates am I supposed to have had 3 weeks into a semester?

 

[Cogman]

How overweight is he? Basically what I am asking is if he really wanted, would he have trouble getting a date?

He would have problems getting a date, it would not be impossible for him, but I don't think he has a very realistic view on what girls he could get (though I can't say that for sure)

Ill see if I can get him out, there are some activities tomorrow that Ill drag him to.

 

[Cabages]

Originally posted by: DeathBUA
However IMHO as a nurse, just hope he takes his meds and do your own thing.

What if he cant take his meds? Are there any over the counter drugs that are known to help depression?

Also, I agree with getting him out of the house.

 

[Cogman]

Originally posted by: Farang
How many dates am I supposed to have had 3 weeks into a semester?

well, I've had 1 with a girl I met at the beginning of the semester, and the rest of my roommates have had at least on. I go to a school where dating is a fairly big thing.

 

[TraumaRN]

Originally posted by: Cabages

Originally posted by: DeathBUA
However IMHO as a nurse, just hope he takes his meds and do your own thing.

What if he cant take his meds? Are there any over the counter drugs that are known to help depression?

Also, I agree with getting him out of the house.

No...there are no over the counters to fight depression...unless you try herbal things and well efficacy of those hasn't been proven.

But yes get him out of the house but dont force him.

 

[Cogman]

Originally posted by: Cabages

Originally posted by: DeathBUA
However IMHO as a nurse, just hope he takes his meds and do your own thing.

What if he cant take his meds? Are there any over the counter drugs that are known to help depression?

Also, I agree with getting him out of the house.

Heres the thing, I'm fairly certain he has depression as he has been diagnosed with it (he told me) but I don't think he is taking any meds for it because he has no insurance. (For example, he has bad teeth, but won't go to the dentist for it because of the price)

 

[Farang]

Originally posted by: Cogman

Originally posted by: Farang
How many dates am I supposed to have had 3 weeks into a semester?

well, I've had 1 with a girl I met at the beginning of the semester, and the rest of my roommates have had at least on. I go to a school where dating is a fairly big thing.

Just seemed like a strange thing to be worried about, I've gone 3 weeks even thinking about dating (maybe I shouldn't brag about this), it just isn't that long of a time. Anyway I agree you should get him out of the house, he seems depressed about not doing anything--hence the comment about Friday night.

Some people are just socially retarded, though, and there is nothing you can do. If he is that way then I'd forget it, if he has the ability to get along with people then introduce him around.

 

[Q]

Originally posted by: sutahz
"Mostly I have just kind of nodded, smiled and said "mmmhmm" and tried to stay neutral" be a true friend and give it to him "how it really is". Tell him his negatives, followed by (a few/some) positives and let him deal w/ it. If he's dragging you down, you want him to move. If you think you MAY be friends one day, but not w/ his current attitude, you need to help him change. People are too nice. If people told each other what they really thought more would be accomplished. You wouldn't be on as good as terms w/ everybody, but you'd be on better terms w/ some people.

Uh bad advice.

Def. invite him to stuff until he goes one time. Just making him feel like he is thought of can really boost his self confidence. Do that a few times (invite him) and then he should cheer up.

 

[Jeff7]

Originally posted by: Cogman

Originally posted by: Farang
How many dates am I supposed to have had 3 weeks into a semester?

well, I've had 1 with a girl I met at the beginning of the semester, and the rest of my roommates have had at least on. I go to a school where dating is a fairly big thing.

You'd love the sex ratio for my courses this semester. 5 different courses, a total of maybe....275 seats, though some are the same people, we've got a single female out of all of them, in a project management course. The rest, they're classrooms of 35-65 people, all guys.
"Sex can wait. I want to be an engineer!"

 

[Cogman]

Originally posted by: Jeff7

Originally posted by: Cogman

Originally posted by: Farang
How many dates am I supposed to have had 3 weeks into a semester?

well, I've had 1 with a girl I met at the beginning of the semester, and the rest of my roommates have had at least on. I go to a school where dating is a fairly big thing.

You'd love the sex ratio for my courses this semester. 5 different courses, a total of maybe....275 seats, though some are the same people, we've got a single female out of all of them, in a project management course. The rest, they're classrooms of 35-65 people, all guys.
"Sex can wait. I want to be an engineer!"

LOL, I'm working on being a computer engineer. Here at this college the ratio is (on average) 3:2, thats 3 girls to 2 guys. Yet in my CompE classes there are maybe 2 girls at the most. (classes are around 45) I took a communications class this semester and was going "WTH, so thats where all the girls went!" in there the I am in the minority (3 guys, 2 are married and 30 girls ) sorry, just a little aside to the topic at hand.

 

[NanoStuff]

Originally posted by: Cogman
I go to a school where dating is a fairly big thing.

Ah yes, one of those 'pretend' schools I've heard so much about. All inclusive chick farms as my friend calls them.

 

[irishScott]

Edit: Granted, he may not got this rout at all, and getting him out of the room may very well help. The below is simply my experience, which I believe is close to the non-violent worst-case scenario.

Speaking as someone who's in the last stages of recovery from years of severe depression/insecurity, best thing to do is get him to a psychologist, or at least student counseling (who can then refer him to a psychologist).

My experience with social anxiety as related to your roommate:

Each case has to be treated individually, but if he has a lot of social anxiety, getting him out of the dorm may not do him any good. My personal problem was not that I lacked social skills, but that I thought I lacked them, which was so debilitating (I would spend hours replaying minor conversations in my head, analyzing everything down to the individual inflections) that, ironically, it began to negatively affect my social skills. So I cut myself off from the world (ordered lots of pizza, stayed in my dorm almost 24/7, didn't go to class) on the basis that I was attempting to fix my problems. When I so much as had to go to the bathroom, I was petrified of having to say "hey" to someone on my hall, simply because it could devolve into a conversation where I would inevitably be dull and lifeless (this had happened numerous times already), and damage what I thought was an already destroyed social status/reputation.

I was a lot like your roommate before the worst stages.

Sounds retarded in retrospect, but it made perfect sense at the time. I was thinking about things in a counterproductive way. I'm talking core though patterns/habits that I'd used for years.

There's a lot more to it, and the social anxiety I experienced was actually a partial side effect/partial cause of my depression, but that's irrelevant for this thread.

Point: I continued to decay until I saw a psychologist that summer (I had gone to student counseling by then and was on medical leave). I have my last appointment with him next week, and he agrees that I'm more or less out of it.

With the help of a good psychologist, I fixed a problem I'd been trying to fix for 4 years in 6 months. I can't tell you how to get him to go to student counseling (I eventually went of my own free begrudging will), but do what you can to steer him in that direction.

 

[senseamp]

If that's depression, I guess I am depressed too.

 

[eersnherd]

Get involved with a gym or some type of daily exercise routine. That will break the addiction to gaming as long as he is willing to devote at least 30 days to a new routine.

 

[BoomerD]

Transfer to a different room. Odds are, you have enough on your plate with school and whatever private life you have. You shouldn't be expected to be the guy's crisis counselor too. IF they guy was one of your good friends, that'd be different, but a roomie? Fuck that...talk to the housing people...tell them you don't want to have to clean up the mess when he has a meltdown, nor do you want to be there if he goes postal...

 

[Manok]

here's a life lesson for you. You will never change someone no matter how hard you try. You have enough to worry about as it is so take care of yourself and tell the cheeseburger locker good luck and get a different roomate.

 

[QUOTH]

Exercise is said to help greatly. IMO I'd argue that he's not all that depressed if he's in that level of an education system, but it can show in many different ways.

In my case it was a case of weighing the positves against the negatives, and the negatives always won. Even things I enjoyed or needed which took verry little effort. On the occasion I was poked and prodded into doing something socially I felt better for it, most of the time. But I guess thats pretty specific, most people wern't worth my time.


If your really worried talk to someone higher up. See if anyone is looking out for him so he dosen't get worse/do something foolish. Remember if he's having a bad day/week it may have nothing todo with his opinion of you, and he just can't help it.

And generally antidepressant's and alcohol don't mix [I think].

 

[Jhill]

Cuddle with him on the couch while watching Juno would be my best advice.

 

[pyonir]

Originally posted by: QUOTHIMO I'd argue that he's not all that depressed if he's in that level of an education system, but it can show in many different ways.

So you're saying that because someone is in college, they can't be depressed? Elaborate.

 

[Cogman]

So, here is a bit of an update, he has gotten worse. Im trying to get him to see some consoling ASAP because I think he really needs it. Im going to also get his religious leader involved. I feel pretty bad for the guy and a bit useless. I do want to help him. Anyways, here is a *long* quote he wrote in his notes on facebook.

Well, its been almost a month since I've written anything and some recent problems of mine have got me thinking. One of the main questions I have had lately is just what am I doing in Rexburg. I was so sure that everything was going to be great as soon as I got to school here, but I guess that was really just wishful thinking because I am having so many problems, I don't even think I can name them all. But I am going to try.

Well anybody that knows me at all knows I battle depression heavily. It has gotten bad since I have been here, only instead of going away, it just keeps getting worse. I have so many things that are driving me insane and dragging me down, and the problem of it is that its all on my head how I am feeling, but the flip side to that coin is that no matter how hard I try, I keep having problems. I just don't know if its worth fighting anymore, I don't feel like I belong anymore, the people here are so much better than I am. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped, like there's no getting out. Then at other times I am sitting in a room full of people and yet I feel so far away because I just don't fit in. I don't know why, maybe I'm too fat, too ugly, too stupid, not funny enough, too much of a jerk, but the point is that this is how I feel that people view me. And it seems nothing I can do changes it, I just keep feeling that way.

I thought things would be different here, I figured new place, new Jared. Problem is same old insecure, low self-esteem, no self-confidence Jared is still here. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm drifting away from everybody and evrything. I think I have alienated my FHE sisters to the point to where I am sure none of them really want me around anymore. I just feel like letting it all go and giving up.

Then there comes back my whole thing of being tired of being single. I graduated with 9 or 10 other guys who are mormon, all but one of them is married now. I am tired of being single, now guys who I grew up with who are like 3 years younger than I am are getting married. I am 23 and have had fewer than 5 meaningful relationships. I can honestly say I have only loved one girl in my life (other than my mother), but I let her slip through my fingers because I couldn't tell her because I was scared.

See here's the thing, I was once told that when people look at me, they think I can be slightly intimidating. People hang out with me and think I am hardened and bitter, they think I can handle things, here's the truth I can't. For as mean as I look, or hardened as I look, the truth remains that I am scared. I am scared that I will end up single for the rest of my life. I am scared that I will be rejected by everyone I know because of the problems I have. But most of all I am scared of failing. People look at me and see this gruff exterior, but truth be told, I spend a fair of time crying and feeling sorry for myself, my whole exterior is just a mask, the real Jared knows nothing and doesn't want to admit it. The real Jared knows he is fat, has bad teeth, isn't good looking, just can't bring himself to do anything about it. The real Jared just wants to fit in. The real Jared is scared.

He has a really bad self image, but I'm fairly certain I can't change it. I tried talking to h im a bit about it but it ended in him going for a long walk alone. BTW I was at the FHE thing he referenced. He just kind of left, I felt like it was because we had offended him in some way, but in fact it was because he felt like he was offending us (or was going to) He is thinking about going home now, but that won't make the problem any better.