Transformers: The Last Knight (0/10)
Holy hanna was that a dumb movie. I didn't even pay for it (free on Prime...for a reason!) and I want my money back. What the crap. It was shot like a car commercial...new clips every 0.3 seconds. The whole movie reminded me of when you eat something weird before bed & have those crazy-vivid dreams where you kinda remember what's going on and everything is in sharp & clear focus but you can't really define the details. And I LIKE Michael Bay! (Bad Boys II, the first Transformers, etc.)
I will give them one point for the CGI (1/10), because not only was it absolutely amazing, but they actually made the robot faces easy to see (okay, so maybe 2/10). Excellent cinematography as well (let's settle on 3/10, because it was a very pretty movie to watch, but that's as high as I'm going!). Great job with the green-screening. The production values were amazing, as far as the picture goes. But man, when will Hollywood learn that without a good story, and a well-presented one at that, their movie is gonna stink? There were so many things wrong with the movie:
1. There was zero time allocated for impact. Even for small stuff, like when Optimus gets the magic stick in the underwater spaceship (yes, that sentence is part of the plot) & someone shoots at him, and he's all like, who dares challenge me? ...and then just kind of walks off. Like, he could have leaned down & done the whole T-rex scene from Jurassic Park with the kids in the SUV (the part with the lawyer in the outhouse) & just done a really cool super-menacing part, but nah. So many dropped balls.
2. Everything, absolutely everything, felt rushed. The editing, the story, the dialogue, everything. It starts out (post-Merlin sequence) with a young Latino girl who saves some kids. But no wait, now it's about Marky Mark. And hey, those same military guys! And this new UK girl, because we need a love interest. And Anthony Hopkins, because why not? And hey, we've been looking for Megatron forever, and here he is - wait, who cares, let's just move forward with the story.
3. The story was all over the map. I mean, there's a core focus, but the way they tell it is just out in left field, but there's like 15 left fields in this movie. At one point it felt like a ripoff of National Treasure. A lot of the movie reminded me of the classic Star Wars prequel meme - "let's try spinning, that's a good trick!" lol.
4. Soooo much gorgeous cinematography, set dressing, costumes, weapons, graphics, and it all just felt wasted. It couldn't figure out if it was a car movie or National Treasure or a military movie or what. It's like they just threw every idea they had in a blender with a thin plot to tie it all together & then got the guy who yells out auction items really fast to edit it.
Which is a shame, because the first Transformers movie was a lot of fun. The second one suffered as a result of the writer's strike, and the franchise never really regained it's balance. Unlike the Fast & the Furious, where the first one was loads of fun, the second one was way dumb without Vin Diesel, the third one didn't even have anyone in it, the fourth one brought him back, and they've steadily been getting better ever since. They've figured out a really good formula & have kept each new release fun & interesting, without ruining the magic they had with the first one.
But they make really bad decisions in a lot of the Transformers movies. Like in Age of Extinction, they killed off T.J. Miller in kind of a brutal way, right as you're warming up to him being the comic relief, and then put in Stanley Tucci. Now, I love Stanley Tucci, but you already sold us on Miller & then killed him off to make room for Tucci. Anyway, the upcoming Bumblebee trailer looks like it could recover the franchise, however, and word on the street is that if that one does well, they'll do an Optimus movie.
I think they could have gone in a lot of different directions with this movie. I think they could have done an entire spinoff movie where they drew out the whole Anthony Hopkins story, because Cogman was awesome & had brilliant CGI and the whole idea of having hidden stuff along the way & over time like Indiana Jones would have been way fun of an idea to explore. In fact, they really should have kind of extended out the whole King Arthur story & made the Last Knight more about, well, the Knights, and done some cool flashbacks & done some 007-esqe National Treasure-type of stuff with the modern-day characters. That actually would have been a really great movie, come to think of it.
But oh my gosh. The Last Knight was laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.