Lines from your favorite comedian...
- Thread starter chiwawa626
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Anubis
No Lifer
?Think of how stupid the average person is. Then realize that half of them are stupider than that!"
--George Carlin
--George Carlin
Anubis
No Lifer
Brian Regan - "Can there be a simpler food item than Pop Tarts? Like if the directions weren't on there, would somebody just set the box in front of them and just look at it like...'oooooohhh....How do I get that goodness in me?? Where do you go? How do you start?'"
Brian Regan is awesome!
Brian Regan is awesome!
Anubis
No Lifer
1. They're funny.
2. It's George Carlin.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
2. It's George Carlin.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
the greatness that is Brian Regan...
Teacher: "Brian, what's the I before E rule?"
Brian: "umm.... I before E... always?"
Teacher: "No Brian, Class? I before E except after C or when sounded like ei as in neighbor or weigh and weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
Brian: "Oh... that rule must've slipped my mind"
Teacher: "Brian, what's the I before E rule?"
Brian: "umm.... I before E... always?"
Teacher: "No Brian, Class? I before E except after C or when sounded like ei as in neighbor or weigh and weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"
Brian: "Oh... that rule must've slipped my mind"
"What's with people who try to kill themselves, fail, and then never try again? Is your life somewhow better now? If anything else it's worse because you just found one more thing you suck at"
Jerry Seinfeld
:In reference to people who send picture cards of their family for christmas:
"Who do we have here. Lou Ann... She have any tits yet? Send me another picture when she's got tits. And Brad... Fvck Brad and everyone who looks like him. And from the looks of Brad he's been jerking off too much. Keep him away from Lou Ann."
George Carlin
Jerry Seinfeld
:In reference to people who send picture cards of their family for christmas:
"Who do we have here. Lou Ann... She have any tits yet? Send me another picture when she's got tits. And Brad... Fvck Brad and everyone who looks like him. And from the looks of Brad he's been jerking off too much. Keep him away from Lou Ann."
George Carlin
lewis black kills me
when's the last time you saw a pepsi commercial and thought to yourself... maybe i'm wrong. I've been getting my sugar the wrong way... Ever go into a restuarant and asked for a coke and they said they only have pepsi... what! well &%( you, i'm going across the street to buckets of sh!t that's right, the food may taste like sh!t but they serve coke!
I could go on and on... when he talks about the weather i want to die
ever read the ingredients in sunblock? i've never seen those words printed anywhere! It could be zebra cum you don't know! YOU DON'T KNOW!
when's the last time you saw a pepsi commercial and thought to yourself... maybe i'm wrong. I've been getting my sugar the wrong way... Ever go into a restuarant and asked for a coke and they said they only have pepsi... what! well &%( you, i'm going across the street to buckets of sh!t that's right, the food may taste like sh!t but they serve coke!
I could go on and on... when he talks about the weather i want to die
ever read the ingredients in sunblock? i've never seen those words printed anywhere! It could be zebra cum you don't know! YOU DON'T KNOW!
I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Sometimes you can't hear me because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge.
--Steven Wright
Sometimes you can't hear me because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge.
--Steven Wright
Anubis
No Lifer
i was gonna post some also. Hes come to my College and preformed 2 times. wentto both fukin great. I love when he talks about "the end of teh universe"
From the beginning of time man has looked to at the havens and firmly believed that the universe ends out in space. This is not true. The end of the universe happens to be in the united states. I have seen it. And oddly enough it?s in Huston Texas. I know I know I was shocked too. I left the comedy club there and walked down the street. On 1 corner there was a Starbucks and across the street from that Starbucks in the exact same building as that Starbucks was a Starbucks! ....
Levis Black
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