Lawyers are brilliant

[Arkitech]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.


___________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q! : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is y! our appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

 

[Pciber]

I've read most of these in various Uncle john's bathroom readers. great stuff.

 

[shilala]

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Nice.

 

[mchammer187]

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

[Mo0o]

Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

 

[Doggiedog]

 

[Arkitech]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

calm down sir, this is not a bash I'm just passing on an email I got

 

[Ynog]

Originally posted by: mchammer187
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

easily my favorite

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

ahhah

 

[The Sauce]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

Law school = 3 years
Med school = 4 years then 3-5 years residency + 1-3 years fellowship = 7-11 years.

I am not impressed with your answer. The bar is a joke. You could train a chimp to pass it.

 

[element]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

No, actually we can bash lawyers all day long without passing the bar first.

 

[flxnimprtmscl]

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

Cry me a river why don't you. I'm assuming that by your response you're either a lawyer or someone who aspires to be one. Well, in let me fill you in on something. When someone acts like an idiot, we're allowed to laugh at that no matter what job they do or how long they went to school for it. 99.9% of people in this country could never be President but I'm sure almost every one of them has laughed as something dumb that Bush has done or said. Do you understand now? Good, now stfu, realize that these are funny, and get over yourself.

 

[BespinReactorShaft]

Originally posted by: Arkitech
_____________________________________

A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Classic.

 

Originally posted by: Mo0o
Try graduating from law school then pass the bar exam. After that you can bash lawyers all day long

So in order to bash anything I must be qualified? You sound like a lawyer in training. Passing the bar apparantly isn't a good judge of how well a person grasps common sense.

When you bash something from now on, your hypocritical ways will be very apparant, just like a lawyer!

 

[The Sauce]

Even if passing the Bar were an accomplishment, how much respect can you give someone who puts that much effort into acquiring the privilege to be a blood-sucking scumbag?

 

[mb]

I don't have a problem with lawyers. They got me out of trouble when I was young and stupid

 

[Howard]

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Awesome.

 

[BigJelly]

Originally posted by: Arkitech
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

best one

 

[Arkitech]

Originally posted by: BigJelly

Originally posted by: Arkitech
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

best one

hah hah yeah that last response was ownage

 

[Arkitech]

anyone have more of these

 

[dquan97]

Originally posted by: Arkitech

Originally posted by: BigJelly

Originally posted by: Arkitech
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

best one

hah hah yeah that last response was ownage

:thumbsup:

 

[Homerboy]

I dont understand the readiness of people to bash lawyers...
half of these quotes are fine on the lawyers portion and the witness is the one being the idiot.
Topic should be changed "people in general are brilliant"

 

[boyRacer]

Originally posted by: Howard

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

Awesome.

 

[FinalLasttt]

more.. its soo funny

 

[jagec]

Originally posted by: flxnimprtmscl
Cry me a river why don't you. I'm assuming that by your response you're either a lawyer or someone who aspires to be one. Well, in let me fill you in on something. When someone acts like an idiot, we're allowed to laugh at that no matter what job they do or how long they went to school for it. 99.9% of people in this country could never be President but I'm sure almost every one of them has laughed as something dumb that Bush has done or said. Do you understand now? Good, now stfu, realize that these are funny, and get over yourself.

Very well said.