Ladies: Your opinion please

[Namuna]

Scenerio:
You're in a long distance relationship with a guy that could be 'the one'. Things seem to be going well (even though you guys only get to see each other a couple of times a month). Then on a Friday (a day before he's supposed to drive down to visit you) he says he's too tired from the hectic work week and that he's going to stay home instead. You sense there's more to this than just him being tired and fish out of him that he no longer wants to be in the relationship and about the only reason he can give is that he can't handle the distance thing.

If you haven't already guessed, I'm the lame-ass that couldn't be upfront about breaking up with her, and she had to fish it out of me. To say the least she was heart-broken, and I feel like a COMPLETE jerk. She is a good person and deserves better than to be heart-broken, but it's worse to be in a 1-sided relationship.

Which would make things easier for you?
I have some things of hers at my place that I'll have to ship back to her. I'm having conflicting feelings as to what I can do to make things easier for her.

* Along with the things, I could put in a letter to try and let her know that she is a good person and deserves the best and that I'm sorry things didn't work out between us.

* I could just send the things back and say nothing, thereby making myself the bad guy. Theory being she would have an easier time of getting through it if I were a bad person, a kind of conduit to channel her hurt.

 

[DAM]

well, if you are ABSOLUTELY sure that its over and that you will NEVER go back with her again, and you want her to recover easily then, just drop off her things and say nothing.



if you want to keep some strand of hope, then give her a letter or just talk to her in person when you drop of her stuff.






dam()

 

[Isla]

Write the letter. She will need closure.

She will have a lot of questions in her mind about why it didn't work, and the least you can do is answer them to the best of your ability.

Good luck~

 

[Namuna]

Good points.

Thank you.

 

[BoberFett]

Yep, Isla is right on.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

Ditto Isla's advice. Write the letter - whether she reads it or not will be up to her, but you can look back and say that you made the effort. There are many things about past relationships that I've regretted, don't let this small thing be one you remember and wish you could change. It won't make it easier on her for you to be the "bad guy" - all it will do is make her doubt her instincts about you and possibly make it harder on the next guy she gets involved with.

Suck it in, write a short letter apologizing for your recent behavior and tell her that you handled it wrong because you weren't sure what to say, and tell her everything you said here - that she's a good person who deserved better, that you enjoyed what you had with her and you wish her luck.

 

[Ariel]

Namuna,

Unfortunately, I do think you are a jerk for not being up front with her. She deserved at least that much. However, I am happy to see that you have some understanding of what you did. I wouldn't send her a letter with her things, I would just send them. I think that if a guy dumped me and then sent me a letter it would make me feel like he was saying "Even though you aren't good enough for me, you are still a good person and deserve the best a loser like you can get." I would just let it go. And next time, please be up front.

Wow, I guess I am the only one who thinks you shouldn't write the letter - maybe you shouldn't listen to me!

 

[Yeeny]

You absolutely should write that letter, she does need some sort of closure. Just dumping her, and not telling her exactly why is a chickens way out. I am not going to beat up on you here, because you sound like you realize what you did was wrong. But you at least owe her some sort of explanation.

 

[Total Refected Power]

Oops, I'm not a lady.

 

[mxy15]

Sorry ladies, I know the overall feeling right now is that our friend here should write a letter to his ex explaining what happened and thus give her a sense of closure. But I disagree. Who is to say that love is so clean and clear cut? Who can explain exactly why we love and hate? This being a techies' form I think most of the people here have very analytical minds that need logic to explain the hurt but I don't think it can be done.

Don't write the letter. Let emotion run its course and let time subdue the pain. Your ex will have to find her own way as well. What you do now is all too little too late.

 

[Regine]

Write her a letter. It seems that you already broke her heart with the break-up. Just dropping her things off would only make things worse. I'm with Isla on this. She probably needs closure, and maybe even an explanation. I think it's the least you can do.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

mxy15, it's never to late to admit you didn't handle something well and to offer human compassion to the person you hurt. It's not even a man/woman issue strictly, but a human one - if you hurt someone and you have the power to offer some kind of reparations, why wouldn't you? If, god forbid, she's killed tomorrow, is he going to remember the good parts of the relationship or the fact that he hurt her badly because he wasn't sure how to let her down? I'd much rather look back on the whole relationship and say my youth and inexperience caused me to not handle things well, but when I had the chance to set things right, I tried.

Like I said, she doesn't have to read it, but knowing he at least made some effort might help her.

 

[BoberFett]

/me bows before the superior wisdom of the women in this thread.

 

[mxy15]

Hi ChrichtonsGirl, I understand what you're saying but I think there are just simply somethings that cannot be explained. Breaking up with someone is not an exact science and I am assuming that Namuna doesn't know exactly why it happened too. I think Namuna is trying to compensate for letting his ex down because she was more serious about the relationship then he was. Writing this letter is not going to explain why he didn't love her or why he couldn't hang in there to make the long distance thing work. It would be a wasted effort and hinder his own closure over this.

Once again, don't write the letter.

 

[Isla]

Well, if a certain someone had written me a letter or taken the time to be up front with me about why our relationship couldn't continue, I would not have had to stalk him for so long!

 

[Namuna]

Hey Bober,

Why don't you do your ass-kissing on somebody else's thread!

Oh man, this is tough! There're good points to both sides.

If I send it:
* I could be insulting her like Ariel says.
* I'd give her a sense of closure
* What the heck would I say? "I just didn't feel the relationship was going to go any further?" There's no real closure in that statement. I can't pinpoint any specific reasons. So there's no sense of real closure.

If I don't sent it:
* It's burning a bridge, like DAM says. But it would make it easier for her
* There are SO MANY chances to say something that might insult her or just plain not help

 

[Isla]

Aw, Bober is just letting us know he appreciates us here. We are outnumbered, you know.

Try this:

Dear Girl

I hope you understand that, at this time in my life, a long distance relationship can't work for me. I hope you can forgive me, because I did not mean to hurt you in any way. I think well of you and wish you every happiness.

Namuna

-------------------

That way, you are being clear and being kind at the same time. You don't need to get into it any more than that... 'can't handle long distance' will be what she blames it on, anyway.

Anyway, it is just good manners to include a note in a package.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

I'm not saying he should explain anything, other than the fact that he didn't mean to hurt her - which is what I thought he said. In no way should he analyze the relationship and tell her what went wrong - just apologize for the way he dumped her (which isn't the same as apologizing for not feeling the same way about her as she does about him), reiterate what he already said about her being a nice girl and wish her luck.

That's why I said this wasn't necessarily a relationship issue - he inadvertently hurt someone, and while he doesn't want to continue the relationship with her, he still can make the effort to apologize for his handling of it. I don't think anything he says about WHY he broke up with her will matter to her, but the fact that he recognized he handled things poorly might go a long way towards helping her feel better about the end of the relationship.

Just my six cents (counting all three posts), YMMV.

 

[Ranger X]

Well long distance relationship rarely ever works. It'll only works if ... ahh, hell it just doesn't work.

 

[IBhacknU]

I hate these fricken 'ladies nights'.... sure they advertise free for the ladies, so all the guys will show up... then when you get there, it's a bunch of guys! Shhhhright!

 

[Namuna]

ChrichtonsGirl is making alot of sense to me.

Something should be said about the manner in which the break-up happened. And the letter should be finalization. Saying it's a distance thing could prompt 'ideas' of shortening the distance. I don't want that.

Ya know what the damned problem with Long Distance relationships is? Hot & Cold. that's the problem. It's like taking a piece of paper (when you're together) and ripping it (when you have to go home). Then taping it back up (when you're together again) and ripping it again. And repeat as necessary. Of course that piece of paper could symbolize Feelings, Trust, Security and so on.

You can only mend a tattered piece of paper so many times. I just want to go my own way now.

 

[BoberFett]

I'm not ass-kissing (not that there aren't some asses around here... ahhh, nevermind, I won't go there ) it's just that I don't have anything to say beyond what these ladies are telling you. If you don't want to screw up her future happiness, tell her why you're breaking up with her. She needs to have that closure.

I've been reading book after book and talking to my wife and therapist about women lately, trying to repair my marriage. What I've learned would carry over very well to dating, and I'd highly recommend anyone that's dating to marry (as opposed to just getting some action) should read everything they can about the opposite sex.

If you want to screw her over, don't say a word. If you want her to be happy, tell her why. Be a man, not a scared little boy.

 

[Namuna]

So far the message I'm getting is don't be a WUSS and write her the letter with the reasons.

Here you go, here's a list of reasons.

* Your twinge of 'ghetto' talk and attitude makes me cringe
* You and I are boring people, together we're like mushrooms on a log. I need to find someone more energetic to bring ME to life.
* Our communication STINKS. Yes, it's partly my fault. But I just don't feel comfortable talking with you. (Partly due to the 'ghetto' thing)
* Your unsure attitude about what you want to do with your life makes me a bit unsure about YOU.
* You can COMFORTABLY wear a pair of MY pants!
* Intimacy with you is like getting it on with a tub of cottage cheese, it's just a bit 'loose'


It'd be a COLD DAY IN HELL before I send her that letter. But those are the REASONS. Now tell me, just how much of a 'stand-up' guy am I if I were to send a letter like that?

No, ChrichtonsGirl said it best. Apologize for the manner in which it was done, enough said.


Thank you all for your inputs though, they were VERY helpful!

 

[BoberFett]

LOL, I'd go with Option B too I think. LMAO!

 

[Yeeny]

* You can COMFORTABLY wear a pair of MY pants!
* Intimacy with you is like getting it on with a tub of cottage cheese, it's just a bit 'loose'

OK, if I got a letter like that from an ex, he would need shin guards and a cup to protect himself from me. You have a much better plan.