Knowing what to do

[Goosemaster]

No one knows what to do. Like sheep they move with the heard.
Like ants in some dirt-ridden multiplex they scurry about with responsibilities
with complexities that in the end mean absolutely nothing
there is one truth, however, that reaming universally true to all on this green solid and gaseous mess

life is sad.

life is a wasteland of anxiety brought on by pain, by sadness, but physical ailments, by violence by sheear emotion;we are born with sadness



I have two uncles in the hospital, one of which who will die very soon in a horriffic way, not that he hasn't suffered enough, and one who is in indiscribable pain and whose future is uncertain

and now I come to this evenings revelation

I always say that the meaning of life is just, meaning, and I think I have found my own:


I want to be happy, but not for the sake of being happiness, but to demonstrate that our natural state of anxiety can be beaten.

Maybe it is just the Wellbutriin talking, but with so much death and pain and anguish that I must endure silently like some stout and ever firm soldier, I have somehow come to the end of acceptance.

Odds are that they will die. Odds are that it will be very soon. They will die painfully if that is what becomes of this.

That said, I will not capitulate.

I will not sit back.

I will not simply take it like a man and stay their taking hit after hit, remaining silent and seemingly astute, complaining to no one.

I......


Today I fight for them. I want them to see me, the failure ridden hopeful tyro that I am accept the title of the beacon of hope for the problem ridden family.

Most every day this week I worked construction for 11+ hours, and fell flat on my face when I got home of exhaustion.

Today I saw my uncle, my favorite uncle, the one that I am most proud of, in seemingly insurmountable pain and discomfort.

I will not never let sadness engulf me ever again. I must not let let it.

From now on, I will do my best to face this onslaught of suffering head on.

Tomorow to work @ 7am

 

[BrianH1]

i feel you man. you don't know what you have until its gone. let it out bro. "gather ye rosebuds while ye may"

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: BrianH1
i feel you man. you don't know what you have until its gone. let it out bro. "gather ye rosebuds while ye may"

It's just too much to fvking handle man

<---at the point of tears


I love them so much and yet all that I can do is stand there and watch tme die

In canada my uncle who is dying: I had to bascially take compelte care of him and thought to myself...how am I really helping him....it is all so futile.....I lvoed him and did everythign I could, but always went home from the hopsital on the bus crying in confusion....


it's fvking debilitating.....such good people

 

[skyking]

I'm thinking of you and your family tonight:heart:

Tomorow to work @ 7am

It is 1:20 AM at your locale, by my reconing. Hard as it will be, you'd better be off to bed.

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: skyking
I'm thinking of you and your family tonight:heart:

Tomorow to work @ 7am

It is 1:20 AM at your locale, by my reconing. Hard as it will be, you'd better be off to bed.

aye.

 

[myusername]

I can't offer any suggestions about any of the existential problem, but I noticed that you said "maybe it's the welbutrin talking"

I don't know why you are on it, and I certainly can't tell you whether you are better on it or off it ...

But my personal experience, and what I have heard from friends, is that sadness and emotional lability are very real effects of being on it.

I can't tell you whether the drug "generates" these feelings, or just unlocks something and lets your natural feelings come through, instead of being masked and hidden by our attempts to approach things analytically.

I can't even form my own concrete opinion about whether this is a good thing or not.

When I took it (years ago), I was concerned that I was going through life as a zombie - on autopilot.

I considered that perhaps this was the desired effect of the drug - that it would allow me to have emotions again, and that once they had returned, it would simply be a matter of harnessing them and learning to live with them properly.

Ultimately, I decided that the sensations were just too unpleasant, unpredictable, and uncontrollable, and I stopped taking it.

For anyone who hasn't taken it, I would liken the emotional load to the way you feel when you start feeling sorry for yourself after about 6 beers.
Which is interesting since alcohol is a depressant.
If that's a really lousy analogy and you've never cried in your beer, well suck it.

Anyway, I'm not much at empathy, though I do hope you come around as you seem like a really decent guy. Though some people seem to get the shaft more than others, life and death aren't going to change on your will; how you live is entirely dependent on how you perceive and feel. Whether you view hurting as a desired human emotion that must be worked through, or whether you prefer to go through life avoiding living, I did want to let you know that your perception is accurate - the welbutrin does contribute to what you are feeling.

(edit: <- still a zombie)

 

[dug777]

 

[Goosemaster]

Today I was at work @ 7am

 

[CraKaJaX]

i've been in those shoes goose, I know how you feel right now I hope he pulls through

 

[gigapet]

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

 

[SMOGZINN]

I know it is hard to believe, but soon all this pain will fade and you will smile again.