Know any good jokes? One liners to a story post right here.
- Thread starter Imaginer
- Start date
Nobody has any jokes? What is wrong with you people? I'll just have to fill in the void....
A man just put the finishing touches on a classic Duesenberg auto (hopefully you know what that is!). The car is perfect. His wife, admiring his work, asks him if she can drive the wonder of an antique auto. The man says, "Don't take this the wrong way but I don't trust with you it." The wife says, "Oh, be an angel and let me drive it!"
He did.
He is.
A man just put the finishing touches on a classic Duesenberg auto (hopefully you know what that is!). The car is perfect. His wife, admiring his work, asks him if she can drive the wonder of an antique auto. The man says, "Don't take this the wrong way but I don't trust with you it." The wife says, "Oh, be an angel and let me drive it!"
He did.
He is.
apoppin
Lifer
One Buddist says to the hotdog vendor: "Make me one with everything."
(Shamelessly stolen)
(Shamelessly stolen)
Confusious say: Run behind car, you soon to be exhausted.
Confusious say: Run in front of car, you soon to be tired.
Confusious say: Run in front of car, you soon to be tired.
here's my little collection...hope its not too much..
-----------------------------
A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great
display of condoms. The son asks, "Dad, what's the three pack for?"
Father replies, "That's for when you're in high school, two for Friday
night, one for Saturday night." The son asks, "What's the six pack for?"
Father replies, "That's for when you're in college, two for Friday
night, two for Saturday night, two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks,
"What's the 12 pack for?" "That's for when you're married... one for
January... one for February... one for March...
_______________
One morning a wife woke up and told her husband about her dream last
night. "Last night I dreamt I was at an auction that was selling dicks. Big
ones sold for $1,000 while small ones sold for $1." "Oh really," said the husband,
"How much were the ones my size?" "Didn't get a bid," replied the wife. The
next morning the husband woke up and told his wife about his dream. "Last
night I was at an auction that sold vaginas. Tight ones sold for $1,000 while
loose ones sold for $1." The wife said, "How much were the ones like mine?"
The husband replied, "That's where they held the auction."
_______________
A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college . The first
girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that
the girl has a red "H" imprinted in her stomach. After the examination,
the doctor asks the girl how the H came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of
the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make
love." 'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is
surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except
hers is a red "Y". again the doctor asks how it came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale,and he's so proud of the
school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love."
The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her
blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M.
"Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?"
"No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin. why do you ask?"
_______________
Louie comes home from school on a friday and is excited about the
weekend and is looking for his parents to ask to ride his bike. He
bursts into his parents bedroom and sees them having sex, astonished he asks,
"What are you doing dad?" And the father replies,"well i'm playing
poker son" The son asks "well whats mom doing?"and the father
replies "well shes my wildcard"
So on the next day (saturday) he goes to his grandparents house to mow
the lawn. When he is finished he goes inside to get paid he catches his
grandparents having sex. He then asks his grandpa "what are you doing
grandpa" and the grandfather says "playing poker sonny" so louie replies
"whats grandma doing" the grandfather then says "well shes my wildcard"
So on sunday the family decides to go for a drive to the ice cream shop
when the father looks for his son he finds him in the bathroom jacking
off and asks "son what the hell are you doing?" The son then says "well
i'm playing poker" then the father asks "well wheres your wild card?"
the son replies "who the hell needs a wild card when i got a hand like
this!!!"
_______________
Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet
God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had
done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem
your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human
form. You can only be reincarnated into any other living things of your
choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals
until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again.
BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH
WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if
that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.
So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one
day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet
God, feeling stupid.
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING
THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING
THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.
Dracula became a MAXI PAD.
_______________
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis'
in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she
quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she
went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the
word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked
around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for
about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same word written on the board, each day's word,
larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day,
she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The
more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
_______________
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes
back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men
with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger
they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever
saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!
_______________
These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with
their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a
nod towards upstairs. The father "gets the message" and they both get
up toward the stairs. The mother turns back towards the two boys and
says "We're going upstairs for a minute....you two stay here and watch
TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The boys nod OK and the parents take
off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now.
He gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs he peeks into
mom and dad's bedroom, and shakes his head.
He goes back downstairs and tells his younger brother "Come with me."
The two little brothers tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older
brother turns to his brother and says:
"Now, when you see this, I want you to keep in mind that this is the
SAME WOMAN who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!"
_______________
-----------------------------
A father and his son were grocery shopping when they came across a great
display of condoms. The son asks, "Dad, what's the three pack for?"
Father replies, "That's for when you're in high school, two for Friday
night, one for Saturday night." The son asks, "What's the six pack for?"
Father replies, "That's for when you're in college, two for Friday
night, two for Saturday night, two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks,
"What's the 12 pack for?" "That's for when you're married... one for
January... one for February... one for March...
_______________
One morning a wife woke up and told her husband about her dream last
night. "Last night I dreamt I was at an auction that was selling dicks. Big
ones sold for $1,000 while small ones sold for $1." "Oh really," said the husband,
"How much were the ones my size?" "Didn't get a bid," replied the wife. The
next morning the husband woke up and told his wife about his dream. "Last
night I was at an auction that sold vaginas. Tight ones sold for $1,000 while
loose ones sold for $1." The wife said, "How much were the ones like mine?"
The husband replied, "That's where they held the auction."
_______________
A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college . The first
girl comes in, takes off her blouse, and as she does, the doctor notices that
the girl has a red "H" imprinted in her stomach. After the examination,
the doctor asks the girl how the H came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of
the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make
love." 'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is
surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except
hers is a red "Y". again the doctor asks how it came about.
"Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Yale,and he's so proud of the
school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love."
The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her
blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red M.
"Ah, " says the doctor, "A boyfriend in Michigan?"
"No," replies the girl, "A girlfriend in Wisconsin. why do you ask?"
_______________
Louie comes home from school on a friday and is excited about the
weekend and is looking for his parents to ask to ride his bike. He
bursts into his parents bedroom and sees them having sex, astonished he asks,
"What are you doing dad?" And the father replies,"well i'm playing
poker son" The son asks "well whats mom doing?"and the father
replies "well shes my wildcard"
So on the next day (saturday) he goes to his grandparents house to mow
the lawn. When he is finished he goes inside to get paid he catches his
grandparents having sex. He then asks his grandpa "what are you doing
grandpa" and the grandfather says "playing poker sonny" so louie replies
"whats grandma doing" the grandfather then says "well shes my wildcard"
So on sunday the family decides to go for a drive to the ice cream shop
when the father looks for his son he finds him in the bathroom jacking
off and asks "son what the hell are you doing?" The son then says "well
i'm playing poker" then the father asks "well wheres your wild card?"
the son replies "who the hell needs a wild card when i got a hand like
this!!!"
_______________
Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet
God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had
done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll give you a chance to redeem
your sins", said God "I'll send you back to earth, BUT not in a human
form. You can only be reincarnated into any other living things of your
choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals
until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling a lil'bit sheepish.
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again.
BUT not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH
WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!" God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if
that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.
So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one
day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet
God, feeling stupid.
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING
THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING
THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING
WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.
Dracula became a MAXI PAD.
_______________
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis'
in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she
quickly erased it,and began her class.The next day she
went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the
word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked
around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for
about a week, she went into the classroom and found
the same word written on the board, each day's word,
larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day,
she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same
word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The
more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
_______________
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes
back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men
with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger
they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back
and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever
saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!
_______________
These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with
their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a
nod towards upstairs. The father "gets the message" and they both get
up toward the stairs. The mother turns back towards the two boys and
says "We're going upstairs for a minute....you two stay here and watch
TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The boys nod OK and the parents take
off upstairs.
The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now.
He gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs he peeks into
mom and dad's bedroom, and shakes his head.
He goes back downstairs and tells his younger brother "Come with me."
The two little brothers tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older
brother turns to his brother and says:
"Now, when you see this, I want you to keep in mind that this is the
SAME WOMAN who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!"
_______________
Advice from children.
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke...lots of it.
13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.
17. Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it is already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke...lots of it.
13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.
17. Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
For all the women in here:
What do you do if your women comes into the living room and changes the channel?
Go to the kitchen and make her chain shorter.
What do you do if your women comes into the living room and changes the channel?
Go to the kitchen and make her chain shorter.
There is a three story building with a gay couple on the first, straight couple on the second and married people on the third...
There is a fire. Who gets out last?
The gays. They are still packin thier sh!t.
There is a car full of lesbians and a car full of gays. They are both heading to NY from Houston. Who gets there first?
Lesbians! They got there lickity split!!
heh
There is a fire. Who gets out last?
The gays. They are still packin thier sh!t.
There is a car full of lesbians and a car full of gays. They are both heading to NY from Houston. Who gets there first?
Lesbians! They got there lickity split!!
heh
Whats red, black, yellow, orange, purple, pink, blue, green, white, grey, brown, and looks cool.
I dunno.
I dunno.
What is 6 inches long, has a big head, and drives women wild?
A hundred dollar bill.
Why can't men get Mad Cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
A hundred dollar bill.
Why can't men get Mad Cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
How did angels get to be stuck on the tops of Christmas trees? Well, read on.
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS a go to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.
He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year???"
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS a go to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.
He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year???"
ripped from a friend
------------------------------------------
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of
those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what
he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Bizarre News...
+----------- Bizarre Insurance Claim Statements -----------+
"I thought the window was down but found it up when I put
my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian."
"The pedestrian had no idea what direction to go, so I ran
over him."
"I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was unable to stop in time any my car crashed into the
other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries."
---- Judge Boots Father From Watching Lego Competition -----
AKRON, Ohio - A father accused of pressuring his five children
to excel will not be allowed to watch his son compete in the
world Lego building contest. Judge James Williams issued the
order Tuesday when Thomas Lavery, 56, appeared for a pretrial
hearing on nine counts of child endangerment. Lavery, who has
pleaded innocent, did not contest the order. His son, John,
17, won a national Lego building contest in New York City in
May.
----------------- Bigamist or Bigamister? ------------------
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is
an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to
Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under
indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in
polygamy as well.
--------------------Pyramid Scheme------------------------
Two Michigan brothers decided that rising cremation
rates were outrageous. Their solution? To build a modern pyramid so
large that it will become a national monument with room for more than
300,000 human remains. Dan and Douglas Dudek want to return to a
classic design. Pyramids first were built 4,700 years ago as burial
crypts by the Egyptians and later were built in Central and South
America as well. The brothers recently received an U.S. patent on
their design for 18-by-18-by-21-inch plastic blocks that will be
tougher than steel and hold cremated remains as well as some personal
memorabilia. Most important, the patent includes the Dudeks' design
for grid-like ridges and grooves on the blocks so that they snap
together, like Legos -- so tightly that the pyramid is supposed to
defy centuries of vandals who could one day try to break in. It's too
early to set a price range, the Dudeks say, but an average unit in
their pyramid would cost about $3,000. [AP]
------- Shot in Head, Driver Goes to Police Station --------
LOS ANGELES - A man drove himself to a police station early
Monday after someone in a passing car shot him in the head,
police said. The 19- to 20-year-old was near 120th and San
Pedro streets about 1:20 a.m. when shots from a semiautomatic
handgun were fired from a red car. One bullet became lodged
between his skin and skull but did not penetrate bone, police
said. He calmly drove himself to the police station for help.
-------------------Revenge Isn't Always So Sweet----------------------
San Jose, California - What do you do when you are mad at
your girlfriend? Don't do what Herman Stetsman did. Herman,
an avid hunter, got his shotgun out of his closet and began
to bash in his girlfriend's windshield with the gun butt.
There was one problem, Herman forgot to unload the gun. It
accidentally discharged into his stomach. Herman was
pronounced dead on arrival at the nearby trauma center
------------------------------------------
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of
those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what
he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Bizarre News...
+----------- Bizarre Insurance Claim Statements -----------+
"I thought the window was down but found it up when I put
my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian."
"The pedestrian had no idea what direction to go, so I ran
over him."
"I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was unable to stop in time any my car crashed into the
other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries."
---- Judge Boots Father From Watching Lego Competition -----
AKRON, Ohio - A father accused of pressuring his five children
to excel will not be allowed to watch his son compete in the
world Lego building contest. Judge James Williams issued the
order Tuesday when Thomas Lavery, 56, appeared for a pretrial
hearing on nine counts of child endangerment. Lavery, who has
pleaded innocent, did not contest the order. His son, John,
17, won a national Lego building contest in New York City in
May.
----------------- Bigamist or Bigamister? ------------------
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is
an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to
Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under
indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in
polygamy as well.
--------------------Pyramid Scheme------------------------
Two Michigan brothers decided that rising cremation
rates were outrageous. Their solution? To build a modern pyramid so
large that it will become a national monument with room for more than
300,000 human remains. Dan and Douglas Dudek want to return to a
classic design. Pyramids first were built 4,700 years ago as burial
crypts by the Egyptians and later were built in Central and South
America as well. The brothers recently received an U.S. patent on
their design for 18-by-18-by-21-inch plastic blocks that will be
tougher than steel and hold cremated remains as well as some personal
memorabilia. Most important, the patent includes the Dudeks' design
for grid-like ridges and grooves on the blocks so that they snap
together, like Legos -- so tightly that the pyramid is supposed to
defy centuries of vandals who could one day try to break in. It's too
early to set a price range, the Dudeks say, but an average unit in
their pyramid would cost about $3,000. [AP]
------- Shot in Head, Driver Goes to Police Station --------
LOS ANGELES - A man drove himself to a police station early
Monday after someone in a passing car shot him in the head,
police said. The 19- to 20-year-old was near 120th and San
Pedro streets about 1:20 a.m. when shots from a semiautomatic
handgun were fired from a red car. One bullet became lodged
between his skin and skull but did not penetrate bone, police
said. He calmly drove himself to the police station for help.
-------------------Revenge Isn't Always So Sweet----------------------
San Jose, California - What do you do when you are mad at
your girlfriend? Don't do what Herman Stetsman did. Herman,
an avid hunter, got his shotgun out of his closet and began
to bash in his girlfriend's windshield with the gun butt.
There was one problem, Herman forgot to unload the gun. It
accidentally discharged into his stomach. Herman was
pronounced dead on arrival at the nearby trauma center
ripped from a friend
------------------------------------------
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of
those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what
he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
------------------------------------------
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
------------------------------------------
Bizarre News...
+----------- Bizarre Insurance Claim Statements -----------+
"I thought the window was down but found it up when I put
my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian."
"The pedestrian had no idea what direction to go, so I ran
over him."
"I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was unable to stop in time any my car crashed into the
other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries."
---- Judge Boots Father From Watching Lego Competition -----
AKRON, Ohio - A father accused of pressuring his five children
to excel will not be allowed to watch his son compete in the
world Lego building contest. Judge James Williams issued the
order Tuesday when Thomas Lavery, 56, appeared for a pretrial
hearing on nine counts of child endangerment. Lavery, who has
pleaded innocent, did not contest the order. His son, John,
17, won a national Lego building contest in New York City in
May.
----------------- Bigamist or Bigamister? ------------------
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is
an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to
Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under
indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in
polygamy as well.
--------------------Pyramid Scheme------------------------
Two Michigan brothers decided that rising cremation
rates were outrageous. Their solution? To build a modern pyramid so
large that it will become a national monument with room for more than
300,000 human remains. Dan and Douglas Dudek want to return to a
classic design. Pyramids first were built 4,700 years ago as burial
crypts by the Egyptians and later were built in Central and South
America as well. The brothers recently received an U.S. patent on
their design for 18-by-18-by-21-inch plastic blocks that will be
tougher than steel and hold cremated remains as well as some personal
memorabilia. Most important, the patent includes the Dudeks' design
for grid-like ridges and grooves on the blocks so that they snap
together, like Legos -- so tightly that the pyramid is supposed to
defy centuries of vandals who could one day try to break in. It's too
early to set a price range, the Dudeks say, but an average unit in
their pyramid would cost about $3,000. [AP]
------- Shot in Head, Driver Goes to Police Station --------
LOS ANGELES - A man drove himself to a police station early
Monday after someone in a passing car shot him in the head,
police said. The 19- to 20-year-old was near 120th and San
Pedro streets about 1:20 a.m. when shots from a semiautomatic
handgun were fired from a red car. One bullet became lodged
between his skin and skull but did not penetrate bone, police
said. He calmly drove himself to the police station for help.
-------------------Revenge Isn't Always So Sweet----------------------
San Jose, California - What do you do when you are mad at
your girlfriend? Don't do what Herman Stetsman did. Herman,
an avid hunter, got his shotgun out of his closet and began
to bash in his girlfriend's windshield with the gun butt.
There was one problem, Herman forgot to unload the gun. It
accidentally discharged into his stomach. Herman was
pronounced dead on arrival at the nearby trauma center
------------------------------------------
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer
meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband
what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of
those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what
he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care,"
"Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced
because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him
what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
------------------------------------------
Actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
haemorrhoids
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST
CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
of the box)-
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR
HANDS.
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid
WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
------------------------------------------
Bizarre News...
+----------- Bizarre Insurance Claim Statements -----------+
"I thought the window was down but found it up when I put
my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian."
"The pedestrian had no idea what direction to go, so I ran
over him."
"I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I was unable to stop in time any my car crashed into the
other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries."
---- Judge Boots Father From Watching Lego Competition -----
AKRON, Ohio - A father accused of pressuring his five children
to excel will not be allowed to watch his son compete in the
world Lego building contest. Judge James Williams issued the
order Tuesday when Thomas Lavery, 56, appeared for a pretrial
hearing on nine counts of child endangerment. Lavery, who has
pleaded innocent, did not contest the order. His son, John,
17, won a national Lego building contest in New York City in
May.
----------------- Bigamist or Bigamister? ------------------
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is
an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to
Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under
indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in
polygamy as well.
--------------------Pyramid Scheme------------------------
Two Michigan brothers decided that rising cremation
rates were outrageous. Their solution? To build a modern pyramid so
large that it will become a national monument with room for more than
300,000 human remains. Dan and Douglas Dudek want to return to a
classic design. Pyramids first were built 4,700 years ago as burial
crypts by the Egyptians and later were built in Central and South
America as well. The brothers recently received an U.S. patent on
their design for 18-by-18-by-21-inch plastic blocks that will be
tougher than steel and hold cremated remains as well as some personal
memorabilia. Most important, the patent includes the Dudeks' design
for grid-like ridges and grooves on the blocks so that they snap
together, like Legos -- so tightly that the pyramid is supposed to
defy centuries of vandals who could one day try to break in. It's too
early to set a price range, the Dudeks say, but an average unit in
their pyramid would cost about $3,000. [AP]
------- Shot in Head, Driver Goes to Police Station --------
LOS ANGELES - A man drove himself to a police station early
Monday after someone in a passing car shot him in the head,
police said. The 19- to 20-year-old was near 120th and San
Pedro streets about 1:20 a.m. when shots from a semiautomatic
handgun were fired from a red car. One bullet became lodged
between his skin and skull but did not penetrate bone, police
said. He calmly drove himself to the police station for help.
-------------------Revenge Isn't Always So Sweet----------------------
San Jose, California - What do you do when you are mad at
your girlfriend? Don't do what Herman Stetsman did. Herman,
an avid hunter, got his shotgun out of his closet and began
to bash in his girlfriend's windshield with the gun butt.
There was one problem, Herman forgot to unload the gun. It
accidentally discharged into his stomach. Herman was
pronounced dead on arrival at the nearby trauma center
TRENDING THREADS
-
Discussion Zen 5 Speculation (EPYC Turin and Strix Point/Granite Ridge - Ryzen 9000)- Started by DisEnchantment
- Replies: 25K
-
Discussion Intel Meteor, Arrow, Lunar & Panther Lakes Discussion Threads
- Started by Tigerick
- Replies: 21K
-
Discussion Intel current and future Lakes & Rapids thread- Started by TheF34RChannel
- Replies: 23K
-
-
Facebook
Twitter