Kind of a Funny Joke Post

Jimbo

Platinum Member
Oct 10, 1999
2,641
0
76
#1
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich.
 

Jimbo

Platinum Member
Oct 10, 1999
2,641
0
76
#7
Warning: YOU ARE LEAVING BAD PUN ZONE! ;)
 

PhaZe

Platinum Member
Dec 13, 1999
2,879
0
71
#8
How about this one?

All of the locals are out in a town in the old wild west when the towns sheriff comes riding in on his horse, he is dripping with sweat because of the extreme heat. The townspeople watch as the sheriff slowly dismounts off of his stead and ties the horse to a rack. He then gets behind the horse, lifts his tail and plants a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He then walks by the townspeople who ask, "We were just wondering sheriff, what were you doing behind your horse?" The sheriff stopped and said, "I've got me some pretty nasty chapped lips." "And doing that cures them?" asked the confused townspeople. "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin them!"
 

tmj

Senior member
Apr 29, 2000
239
0
0
#9
well..since this is the "kind of funny" joke post :)

How to wash your cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Get the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can
grab on to. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog
 

brandc

Senior member
Nov 28, 1999
661
0
0
#11
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. When the bartender brings it, the monkey goes berserk and starts eating everything it can get it's paws on...the garnish from the drink, a couple of cigarette butts, it jumps on the pool table and eats the cue ball! Well this is too much for the bartender, he says,"Hey, buddy, did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says,"No, what did he do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!"

The guy says,"It doesn't surprise me, damn monkey'll eat just about anything. Don't worry, I'll pay for everything"

About a month passes and the guy is back in the bar where the same routine occurs, except this time the monkey jumps up on the bar, takes a marischino cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it back out and pops it in his mouth and swallows it! This is too much for the bartender, he says,"Hey buddy, did you see what your monkey did this time?"

"No, what did he do now?"

"He just stole a marischino cherry, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it...that's disgusting!" "Doesn't surprise me. Damn monkey still eats just about anything...but since that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
 
Apr 15, 2000
197
0
0
#12
Children Books that will never be published


"You Were an Accident"


"Strangers Have the Best Candy"


"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"


"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"


"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"


"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"


"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"


"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"


"Dad's New Wife Timothy"


"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"


"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"


"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"


"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"


"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"


"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"


"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
 

hubbs

Platinum Member
Mar 26, 2000
2,442
0
0
#13
They all gave me a good laugh:D

Thanks :)
 

Jimbo

Platinum Member
Oct 10, 1999
2,641
0
76
#14
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 

SuperGroove

Diamond Member
Dec 17, 1999
3,347
0
0
#15
Jimbo,

LOL!!!

I dunno if I can tell this joke exactly the way I heard it, but here goes.

A Woman goes into to the geneacologist(sp?) to go in for a regular check up. The doctor is doing his thing and finishes up. After all is done, the doctor says to the lady, "you know it's true what they say about a woman's mouth, and their *cat(for lack of a better word)*, the mouth does determine the size of their *cat*."

The lady turns and says to him with tight puckered up lips, "Oh, you don't say?"
 

ASK THE COMMUNITY

TRENDING THREADS