Kids Birthday Party & Divorce

[Armitage]

So my son turns 3 on Sunday. For those that don't know, I'm recently divorced ... papers were final in mid-may. According to the parenting plan I have him on his birthday n even numbered years.

So I'm planning on having a party for him on Sunday ... some of his daycare friends, and some others hopefully. My ex tonight indicated that she would like to attend. I told her that "I'd rather if she didn't".

The problem is that I literally can't stand to be around her. The anger and hurt is still so close to the surface that my anxiety level just goes through the roof just being in the same room with her. Even talking on the phone does it.

I need to get out and met people, talk, have a good time, etc. This is a good opportunity for that, but in the frame of mind I'll be in if she's there, I'll be a wreck, and most of the people will think I'm some kind of antisocial nutcase. That and she is very outgoing by nature, and this whole thing was like water of a ducks back for her. She'll just end up being the life of the party.

So my dilemna ... keep my son from seeing his mother at his birthday party ... which breaks my heart. Or set up this birthday party, and then fade into the background in misery while son & ex have a good time. I'm sure my son will have a good time either way ... he's young enough that it might not even phase him. I dunno.

 

[bobbybe01]

My parents are divorced. They gave me a party each. Would that work?

You should edit the poll a bit too. Maybe it'll be better for the kid if you two were not put together in such a festive enviroment. It could cause more problems, not only between you, her, and your son, but as well as the others.

 

[Mo0o]

I'd do it for the kid

 

[Gurck]

Kid takes precedence. That means not only inviting her, but being nice to her & anyone else who might throw you for a loop.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Maybe you can handle the lunch portion and things, then she can take them for something else and dinner?

 

[Lovepig]

err, if you get him for his birthday for even numbered years, and he turns 3 shortly, ... doesn't that mean your wife has him this year, since 3 is odd. Or do you mean it goes by the actual number of the calendar year? (ie 2004)

Anyway, talk to your ex about it and explain it just like you did here. You don't want her telling him "daddy dosen't want me to be at your party" and you don't want to be held hostage emotionally at your own party. See if she has any ideas for some middle ground.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Ask your son what he wants but tell him your feelings

 

[Gurck]

Originally posted by: AgaBooga
Ask your son what he wants but tell him your feelings

This is pretty much universally accepted as the wrong way to go about it with split-up or divorced parents. Telling them you don't like their other parent is generally received as "I don't like half of you".

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: Gurck

Originally posted by: AgaBooga
Ask your son what he wants but tell him your feelings

This is pretty much universally accepted as the wrong way to go about it with split-up or divorced parents. Telling them you don't like their other parent is generally received as "I don't like half of you".

Yep ... that's definitely not an option. You never put the kids in the middle of decisions/issues like this.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: Lovepig
err, if you get him for his birthday for even numbered years, and he turns 3 shortly, ... doesn't that mean your wife has him this year, since 3 is odd. Or do you mean it goes by the actual number of the calendar year? (ie 2004)

Calender year ... for example, ex has the kids for the 4th of July in even years, I have them for the 4th in odd years. All the holidays & such are split up that way. It's absurd

Anyway, talk to your ex about it and explain it just like you did here. You don't want her telling him "daddy dosen't want me to be at your party" and you don't want to be held hostage emotionally at your own party. See if she has any ideas for some middle ground.

Yea, I'm considering that option, but I'm in no frame of mind to do it tonight.

 

[Leetman]

Originally posted by: AgaBooga
Maybe you can handle the lunch portion and things, then she can take them for something else and dinner?

I'd go with that.

 

[badmouse]

If you're miserable when she's around, don't be around her. The kid comes first, and it would be horrible for the kid if you're miserable. So, don't do it.

Why do you want to have a birthday party? There are other ways to celebrate birthdays that might be a little more appropriate for you & your kid this year, like having one or two people over (YOUR relatives, friends) or going someplace special that will make a big fuss over the kid. It's a great time to start a birthday tradition of going horseback riding or climbing or something.

If you're heart's set on having a big party go ahead and have a big party. Don't invite the ex. If she wants to have a big party too, she can do it on one of her days. Birthday parties don't have to be on the actual birthday. Get used to the idea of two separate homes, two separate celebrations, two separate sets of rules, relatives, etc.

Co-parenting has a lot of obstacles. Try not to make this into a fight. There are going to be plenty of times when it has to be a fight, so save it for the emergencies.

 

[MacBaine]

Have the party on Sunday, tell her the party is Monday, then when she shows up a day late point at her and say to the kid, "She forgot you". That should set things straight.

 

[Pacfanweb]

Piss on her. Not your responsibility to invite her, IMO. Doesn't do anyone any good to pretend that everything's okay for the kid's sake, when it's not.

 

[Pacfanweb]

BTW, the kid will never remember that he/she was upset about one of you not being there....in fact, he probably won't even remember much of the party, period.

 

[welst10]

Why do you hate her that much? Did she cheat on you?

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: AgaBooga
Ask your son what he wants but tell him your feelings

Not a three year old. A twelve year old maybe...

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: welst10
Why do you hate her that much? Did she cheat on you?

That's a long story. There used to be a big thread on it, but it got accidently deleted when I changed my user name. No, she didn't cheat, that I know of at least. I think that may actually have been easier to deal with then the emotional betrayal of burning our entire 9 year relationship to the ground, trying to marginalize me as a parent (make me a "weekend dad", which may be OK for some, but not me), leave me in debt up to my eyeballs, and basically put me through hell.

They same time will help, but enough time hasn't passed yet.

 

[welst10]

Originally posted by: Armitage

Originally posted by: welst10
Why do you hate her that much? Did she cheat on you?

That's a long story. There used to be a big thread on it, but it got accidently deleted when I changed my user name. No, she didn't cheat, that I know of at least. I think that may actually have been easier to deal with then the emotional betrayal of burning our entire 9 year relationship to the ground, trying to marginalize me as a parent (make me a "weekend dad", which may be OK for some, but not me), leave me in debt up to my eyeballs, and basically put me through hell.

They same time will help, but enough time hasn't passed yet.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you get pass her soon. A better way is to get another woman, a nice one. That might help.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: badmouse
If you're miserable when she's around, don't be around her. The kid comes first, and it would be horrible for the kid if you're miserable. So, don't do it.

Yea, that's kind of how I'm thinking ... or rationalizing ... also.

Why do you want to have a birthday party? There are other ways to celebrate birthdays that might be a little more appropriate for you & your kid this year, like having one or two people over (YOUR relatives, friends) or going someplace special that will make a big fuss over the kid. It's a great time to start a birthday tradition of going horseback riding or climbing or something.

Well, we've always had birthday parties for the kids. I guess just an excuse to have a party and get a bunch of people together.

If you're heart's set on having a big party go ahead and have a big party. Don't invite the ex. If she wants to have a big party too, she can do it on one of her days. Birthday parties don't have to be on the actual birthday. Get used to the idea of two separate homes, two separate celebrations, two separate sets of rules, relatives, etc.

Co-parenting has a lot of obstacles. Try not to make this into a fight. There are going to be plenty of times when it has to be a fight, so save it for the emergencies.

Thanks badmouse.

 

[3chordcharlie]

'doing it for the kid' doesn't work for two people who hate each other. I know you want to do what's best for him, so make sure he gets to see his mom the day before or after or something, but trying to grin and bear it means both of his parents will be pissed off all day on his birhday, which hardly seems the best solution.

Maybe in a year or two things won't be so fresh that you can't be in the same room for a few hours comfortably, but right now seems like a bad time to try that.

 

[dman]

If you offer the olive branch this time then perhaps you can attend next years Bday party. Maybe get it in writing that you are invited, etc. Anyway, I guess what would you want to do if she were throwing the party and then do that.

 

[Armitage]

Originally posted by: dman
If you offer the olive branch this time then perhaps you can attend next years Bday party. Maybe get it in writing that you are invited, etc. Anyway, I guess what would you want to do if she were throwing the party and then do that.

I've been thinking about that. This situation kind of sets a precedence. If she were holding the party and I was invited, I might just make a brief, low-key appearance, give the kid his gifts, talk a bit, and leave. Although it might be better, at this age, for him not to see me at all. He'd get upset if I was there, and then left.

 

[The Green Bean]

I wouldn call her. What if something bad happened...It will be verse for the child if that happens

 

[Stark]

suck it up and do what's best for the kid, which is having both his parents at his bday parties.

she comes this year, you go next year.