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just spilled boiling soup on my right hand

srsly? run cold water over hand to stop the burn. cover with pure aloe vera gel and bandage. jerk off with left hand until healed. then praise jesus.
 
Look at the bright side. Once you do the smart things - ice, ointment, etc, you can thank jesus for your blessings that it wasn't worse than it was. Of course, don't question why god wanted you to fry you hand. Obviously there was some greater purpose.

After that, because of the scar tissue, it'll feel like someone else every time you have a wank.

Oh wait. That's a sin too.

Guess I'm going to have to fall back on "Pray to Jesus".
 
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