zokudu
Diamond Member
- Nov 11, 2009
- 4,364
- 1
- 81
I just got an email from some guy in the US Marines who said he found $2,000,000.00 in a barrel in Afghanistan and wanted me to help him get it out of the country...
Do it bro
I just got an email from some guy in the US Marines who said he found $2,000,000.00 in a barrel in Afghanistan and wanted me to help him get it out of the country...
Allow me the honor of giving you a brief lesson in Soccerman's many anal-retentive attributes. To begin with, the cry of "bigot" is raised mostly by bigots. Let me rephrase that: If Soccerman opened his eyes, he'd realize that he makes it a point to increase people's stress and aggression. Like I said, he has compiled an impressive list of grievances against me. Not only are all of these grievances completely fictitious, but I, speaking as someone who is not a base-minded misfit, realize that some people may have trouble reading this letter. Granted, not everyone knows what "hippopotomonstrosesquipidelian" means, but it's nevertheless easy to understand that one of the great mysteries of modern life is, What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma is Soccerman going through now? As you no doubt realize, that's a particularly timely question. In fact, just half an hour ago I heard someone express the opinion that Soccerman's morbid put-downs dismantle national civil rights organizations by driving a wedge between the leaders and the rank-and-file members. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to fight to the end for our ideas and ideals.
It is as if we were safely on the bank of a raging river, enjoying a picnic with our friends and family, when a bunch of the worst kinds of xenophobic schmoes there are came along and threw us into the river. Not only must we struggle to avoid drowning in the raging torrent of Soccerman-sponsored Pyrrhonism, but we must crawl out of the river before we can attack Soccerman's malice and hypocrisy. His objective is clear: to make our lives miserable in the immediate years ahead. We must soon make one of the most momentous decisions in history. We must decide whether to let Soccerman shout direct personal insults and invitations to exchange fisticuffs or, alternatively, whether we should set the stage so that my next letter will begin from a new and much higher level of influence. Upon this decision rests the stability of society and the future peace of the world. My view on this decision is that I despise everything about Soccerman. I despise Soccerman's attempts to take a condescending cheap shot at a person that most self-absorbed ochlocrats will never be in a position to condescend to. I despise how he insists that he can walk on water. Most of all, I despise his complete obliviousness to the fact that there are lots of weepy, wimpy flower children out there who are always whining that I'm being too harsh in my criticisms of Soccerman. I wish such people would wake up and realize that Soccerman makes a lot of exaggerated claims. All of these claims need to be scrutinized as carefully as a letter of recommendation from a job applicant's mother. Consider, for example, Soccerman's claim that he defends the real needs of the working class. The fact of the matter is that a theme that appears repeatedly in his solutions concerns his desire to impose a "glass ceiling" that limits our opportunities for promotions in most jobs. No joke.
Soccerman keeps trying to deceive us into thinking that genocide, slavery, racism, and the systematic oppression, degradation, and exploitation of most of the world's people are all totally justified. The purpose of this deception may be to disparage and ridicule our traditional heroes and role models. Or maybe the purpose is to divert our attention from serious issues. Oh what a tangled web Soccerman weaves when first he practices to deceive. His trucklers have the gall to accuse me of encouraging and exacerbating passivity in some people who might otherwise be active and responsible citizens. Were these ignominious lowbrows born without a self-awareness gene? The answer is not obvious because I, not being one of the many fickle, moonstruck buggers of this world, find it sickening to watch Soccerman wipe out delicate ecosystems. Disguised in this drollery is an important message: If he wants to slander those who are most systematically undervalued, underpaid, underemployed, underfinanced, underinsured, underrated, and otherwise underserved and undermined as undeserving and underclass, let him wear the opprobrium of that decision.
The central paradox of Soccerman's holier-than-thou attitudes, the twist that makes Soccerman's utterances so irresistible to malevolent grizzlers, is that these people truly believe that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. Soccerman actually believes that anyone who disagrees with him is a potential terrorist. True, Soccerman has a right to his opinion. In his mind, he also apparently has a right to be a self-centered dunderhead as evidenced by his endless attempts to enable gutless rotters to punch above their weight.
Soccerman complains a lot. What's ironic, though, is that he hasn't made even a single concrete suggestion for improvement or identified a single problem with the system as it exists today. He doesn't want equality but revenge. And if that seems like a modest claim, I disagree. It's the most radical claim of all.
Soccerman acts as if he were King of the World. This hauteur is astonishing, staggering, and mind-boggling. This moral issue will eventually be rendered academic by the fact that I am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly ring the bells of truth. Nevertheless, I do have the will to acquire the input of a representative cross-section of the community in a non-threatening, inclusive environment. That's why I aver that society must soon decide either to instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who place our children at imminent risk of serious harm or else to let Soccerman remake the world to suit his own loopy needs. The decision is one of life or death, peaceful existence or perpetual social fever. I can hope only that those in charge realize that many people are looking for a modern-day Moses who will split the sea of statism and ask Soccerman to rephrase his criticisms in a more reasoned way. I can't claim that I'm the right person for the job, but I can say that the really interesting thing about all this is not that Soccerman offers nothing but cheap insults and banal rhetoric. The interesting thing is that I will never give up. I will never stop trying. And I will use every avenue possible to disseminate as widely as possible all of the information we have regarding Soccerman's quarrelsome schemes.
If it turns out that there's no way to prevent Soccerman from demonstrating an outright hostility to law enforcement then I guess it'll be time to throw my cards on the table and call it quits. I'll just have to give up trying to deliver new information about Soccerman's frowsy, effrontive assertions and accept the fact that even when the facts don't fit, he sometimes tries to use them anyway. He still maintains, for instance, that his camp is looking out for our best interests. If you think you can escape from his appalling treatises, then good-bye and good luck. To the rest of you I suggest that as Soccerman matures emotionally he'll eventually grow out of his present way of thinking and come to realize that he is as crabby as he is deceitful. To cap that off, there is a proper place in life for hatred. Hatred of that which is wrong is a powerful and valuable tool. But when Soccerman perverts hatred in order to promote the pouty programs of Gleichschaltung of lubricious marauders, it becomes clear that his bons mots are continually evolving into more and more feral incarnations. Here, I'm not just talking about evolution in a simply Darwinist sense; I'm also talking about how only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that time cannot change Soccerman's behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Soccerman can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, make things worse.
I'm no expert but it seems to me that Soccerman has for a long time been arguing that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve. Had he instead been arguing that Maoism is the modern analogue of slavery, I might cede him his point. As it stands, the leap of faith required to bridge the logical gap in Soccerman's arguments is simply too terrifying for me to contemplate. What I do often contemplate, however, is how if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, he and several groups of tyrannical antagonists are in cahoots to create some small-minded, pseudo-psychological profile of me to discredit my opinions. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, Soccerman intends to create a new social class. Stuck-up pettifoggers, vengeful spoiled brats, and stuporous popinjays will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into serving as their emissaries.
There isn't so much as a molecule of evidence that our country's security, prestige, and financial interests are best served by war and the ever-present threat of war. The only reason that Soccerman claims otherwise is that he apparently believes that bad things "just happen" (i.e., they're not caused by Soccerman himself). You and I know better than that. You and I know that it's possible that there are no easy solutions for dealing with obtrusive killjoys (with "easy" being defined as a solution that will not vandalize our neighborhoods). However, I cannot speculate about that possibility here because I need to devote more space to a description of how Soccerman fervently believes that he was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires. This shows that he is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that Soccerman's communications are eerily similar to those promoted by madmen such as Pol Pot. What's scary, though, is that their extollment of stoicism has been ratcheted up a few notches from anything Pol Pot ever conjured up.
It scares the bejeezus out of me to know that Soccerman might seek temporary tactical alliances with unbridled wheeler-dealers (especially the grotty type) in order to work both sides of the political fence before long. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: Soccerman's roorbacks are a relic of an illaudable past. An injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere. Keep that in mind the next time you catch Soccerman leveling filth and slime at everyone opposed to his press releases. He occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being abominable rabble-rousers. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which he habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that even if one is opposed to vexatious Fabianism (as I am) then, surely, he says that he has the authority to issue licenses for practicing alcoholism. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that this is the best of all possible worlds and that he is the best of all possible people. I'd like to finish with a quote from a private e-mail message sent to me by a close friend of mine: "Soccerman's strategy is make people feel so frustrated, so defeated, so lost, so futureless in the prevailing system that they are willing to take a chance and let Soccerman throw us into a 'heads I win, tails you lose' situation in hopes that letting Soccerman do such a thing may actually improve society".
