Just found out my gf is cheating on me!!!

[exp]

you don't know exactly how trustworthy her friends are.

This is a *very* good point. As Astaroth also suggested, are we sure Jane is telling the truth? Hmm...

 

[torient]

Originally posted by: d1abolic
Why are you taking this so hard? If she doesn't give a damn about you, then give her the finger and leave her. And i mean this literally. Next time you see her, give her the finger, turn around, and walk away. You don't need any excuses or proof. You don't ever have to talk to her again.

Hes been with her for quite awhile, so you cant blame him. But yeah, dont take it so hard on yourself. Think about it this way: youve just found out all that time you invested into the relationship was wasted, now what you want to do is waste as little more time as possible and move on. sh1t happens.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Skyclad1uhm1

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
Sorry, one other thing: What's Jane's motivation in this for telling you?

Wondered that too, that's why he needs hard proof, or at least confirmation from several friends. If all her alibies turn out blank then you can be pretty sure something is going on.

Sad, but true. It seemed as though there wasn't much motivation for her to tell him.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: lilcam
putting it on cheaters would be nice. how about we get everyone from AT to watch!!! look ma, im on tv!!!!!!!!

anyways, now that i think about it, i owe her nothing. no explanation or anything. im taking this hard because
this is the second time that this has happened to me. the other girl just ignored me and i found out she was seeing
some dude who was in jail!!!! i didnt take that as hard only because we were going out for like 3 months. ive been with my
gf since last year, but we dated in HS (1997) and got back together last july. we've talked between 97-2001 when she and i were
both seeing other ppl.

Again... this is a difficult situation. However, the more you villify her... the worse it makes you look. Without hard evidence, you owe her an explanation and more.

Don't play the role of a suspicious boyfriend or jealous s.o... take the high road on this, however hard it may be. It will do you better in the long run than you now realize.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

I have only confronted Jane regarding this, and Mary also knows but hasnt said anything. i understand their motives because they
dont want their relationship with my gf to suffer. jane tells me that shes informing me because she doesnt think its right. i was
surprised to learn and jane and mary confronted my gf often about this situation. it makes them sick because of the three girls, they know my gf has something special with me. their relationships arent that great either, and they envy my gf for having me.

they know im a great guy and think (wow, i was surprise to learn this) i deserve better. they told my gf what shes doing isnt right, but my gf's response is for them to mind their own business. after a while, you kina throw your hands up and just forget everything. the things you try to do for someone and at the same time they dont appreciate what you're doing for them, well, thats where jane and mary are coming from.

jane has also told me that if i confront mary about this, she WILL spill everything! that would make two ppl who have confirmed the story, and thats when i go into action. what i will do is probably ignore my gf tomorrow telling her i have stuff to do. spend the day with jane and spy on my gf.

 

[Orsorum]

it makes them sick because of the three girls, they know my gf has something special with me. their relationships arent that great either, and they envy my gf for having me.

Sorry for playing the part of devil's advocate....

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: Zakath15

Originally posted by: Skyclad1uhm1

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
Sorry, one other thing: What's Jane's motivation in this for telling you?

Wondered that too, that's why he needs hard proof, or at least confirmation from several friends. If all her alibies turn out blank then you can be pretty sure something is going on.

Sad, but true. It seemed as though there wasn't much motivation for her to tell him.

If Jane is her friend, it doesn't make much sense, unless one of two things is happening: Jane is highly ethical and the situation really disturbs her, enough to be willing to sacrifice her friendship with your g/f (this is very rare; girls who are friends tend to stick together on this stuff). Or it's possible that Jane has some ulterior motive. For example, Jane might want to go out with you. (I don't know this, obviously, but it's within the realm of possibility.)

 

[SHoddyCOmp]

It sounds like your gf's friends are a better catch than her. Pretty sick. I like the spy game idea...

 

[LuckyTaxi]

First, take a deep breath. Go somewhere, go to the gym, go get high (you'll never, ever, hear me make that suggestion under any other circumstances), go read, go pray (worked best for me). Do something to take, however momentarily, your mind off the situation. The more you sit and fester, the worse you will feel.

think i will go shoot some hoops. everytime i sit down to do something that involves thinking, i start to think about this situation.

Second... give yourself a few days. Tell her that you need a day or two by yourself, alone, to focus (on school or something). The more contact you have with her, the worse you will feel. Better yet... take a break from her friends, too. This may seem counterintuitive... but you don't know exactly how trustworthy her friends are. Right now, you aren't thinking too clearly. You're blindly reaching out for someone to trust, for someone to tell you what you want to hear. Unfortunately, this is an opportunity for some real a$$holes to take advantage of your emotions and confusion.

My friend is coming back from FL tomorrow. It's been a while since i've spent time with the guys. we need to play some hoops or something.

Third... that step is for you to decide. It sounds to me as if you've already made the decision to break up with her. It also sounds like this relationship is hard on you as it is, without the burden of knowing the truth about this situation. If I were you... I would seriously rethink the relationship in totality and ask yourself if it's worth it. Now that you're suspicious, and apparently with some good cause... it will be extremely hard for you to regain your sense of trust; and, for her to regain your trust without knowing everything about the situation.

no way in hell will i trust her. ive doubted her from the beginning but accepted the fact it's part of her personality.

If you decide to break off the relationship, do it in a way that leaves you both, and the relationship, some dignity. While you may be angry at her, don't burn any bridges, especially with her family.

You are right. I cant burn any bridges with her family. Word spreads and knowing her mom, it will make me look like a fool, even though it wasnt my fault

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33

If Jane is her friend, it doesn't make much sense, unless one of two things is happening: Jane is highly ethical and the situation really disturbs her, enough to be willing to sacrifice her friendship with your g/f (this is very rare; girls who are friends tend to stick together on this stuff). Or it's possible that Jane has some ulterior motive. For example, Jane might want to go out with you. (I don't know this, obviously, but it's within the realm of possibility.)

I've actually almost had this happen with me... damnedest thing in the world, but it's happened. Just trying to point out all the possibilities... again, this isn't a fun situation, and I'm not making light of what you're going through... I can assure that I've been there before, and worked it all out on my own, with a group of friends as support... (but no ATOT, ).

This will work out in the end, just have to give it patience.

 

[exp]

spend the day with jane and spy on my gf.

You may want to send a friend your gf does not know to spy on her, if you have someone who fits that bill. Just give him/her a picture of the target and tell them where to begin surveillance. Less chance of detection that way, meaning a higher probability of a success.

 

[Orsorum]

lilcam - It sounds to me as though you're making some of the more intelligent decisions I've seen (and the ones I didn't make, in my case.) advertised here.

I think... I think if you give it the weekend, spend some time with your buds, you will come back Sunday night (or whenever) with a little bit better idea of what to do. Until then, don't do anything stupid.

Godspeed.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: exp

spend the day with jane and spy on my gf.

You may want to send a friend your gf does not know to spy on her, if you have someone who fits that bill. Just give him/her a picture of the target and tell them where to begin surveillance. Less chance of detection that way, meaning a higher probability of a success.

The more you spy on her, the worse it makes you look. If you try to catch her in the act... that's extraordinarily unethical and immature, and it says a lot about your character. Not that I'm saying trying to know the truth is wrong; however, there are better, less devious ways to go about it.

 

[exp]

If you try to catch her in the act... that's extraordinarily unethical and immature, and it says a lot about your character.

More knowledge is always a good thing. The more informed you are about a situation, the better equipped you will be to make an intelligent decision.

 

[LuckyTaxi]

Jane is very veyr ethical. Sometimes I wonder why i cant find someone like her. She's dating some 35 y/o guy! she's 20!

i can understand their frustration with my gf. i too have put up with a lot of crap with her. i've given up on many of the speeches
with her. like i said, jane and mary have nothing to gain from this. they know what my gf is doing isn't right, and they know i dont
deserve this crap. this is why they're telling me this.

i have to get a hold of mary because mary spends more time with my gf than jane does. jane gets the dirt from mary, but mary is
hard to reach. if jane is right about mary "spilling the beans" when i confront her, then i know everything is true.

besides, the phone calls late at night and things she hides from me makes it all obvious. not to mention the fact she hid her cellphone bill from me yesterday and erased his number from her cellphone. i think she knew i might call her sister to check up on her.

I know many of you will not agree with this, but i WILL NOT leave w/o knowing the real truth. how i decide to break it off remains to be seen. personally, jane wants to see me confront her. someone has to set it straight to her. i thought it was just with me, but my gf always gets things her ways with her gfs. i think jane and mary are waiting for the day when all hell breaks loose and when it reality hits her, then she'll learn her lesson.

This is the same girl who dated someone older than her just because she needed to have a bf. i shouldve known better than getting back with her

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: lilcam

besides, the phone calls late at night and things she hides from me makes it all obvious. not to mention the fact she hid her cellphone bill from me yesterday and erased his number from her cellphone. i think she knew i might call her sister to check up on her.

That might be reason for you to break up with her. Personally, I would not have accepted this from a girlfriend - in fact, I didn't. Had a long-time gf start acting that way (well, the late-night phone calls) with a guy at her school... in the process of breaking up, I let her know that I didn't appreciate that, that she was putting more importance on him than she was on me.

I know many of you will not agree with this, but i WILL NOT leave w/o knowing the real truth. how i decide to break it off remains to be seen. personally, jane wants to see me confront her. someone has to set it straight to her. i thought it was just with me, but my gf always gets things her ways with her gfs. i think jane and mary are waiting for the day when all hell breaks loose and when it reality hits her, then she'll learn her lesson.

Are you willing to be the "bearer of reality" for her? That's a lesson she has to learn on her own, and a realization she has to come to on her own. No one elses' actions can make her change that, only her own impetus. While you may think you can play the role of educator or of hero... that's not your part to play. Simply get out, quietly, with dignity, and leave her to her own devices.

This is the same girl who dated someone older than her just because she needed to have a bf. i shouldve known better than getting back with her

Again, that's a good indicator of someone who doesn't know what they need in a relationship. However, you made the decision to get back together with her, and now you must tough it out.

 

[Que-TiP]

whatever you do, just dont get back with her after she cheats on you. I made that mistake once. I'd rather you learn from my mistake than your own. Also situation was similar, she actually said she did it because I wasn't around much. It was around finals time, I was studying. ow well, better fish in the sea

 

[exp]

i think jane and mary are waiting for the day when all hell breaks loose and when it reality hits her, then she'll learn her lesson.

She may never "learn her lesson." Don't expect a huge transformation on her part or you could end up being disappointed.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: exp

i think jane and mary are waiting for the day when all hell breaks loose and when it reality hits her, then she'll learn her lesson.

She may never "learn her lesson." Don't expect a huge transformation on her part or you could end up being disappointed.

Good words.

 

[SHoddyCOmp]

ok gnite/gmorning dudes im getting all blurry eyed. Goodluck continuing to discuss this.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: SHoddyCOmp
ok gnite/gmorning dudes im getting all blurry eyed. Goodluck continuing to discuss this.

Sleep tight, thanks. Have a good day tomorrow.

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

Find out the truth first. If you start taking the cheating as a fact, and then find out it isn't the case, you will truly feel terrible. Although that hiding phonebills and stuff sounds awfully like she indeed does cheat to some extend.

 

[Orsorum]

Originally posted by: Skyclad1uhm1
Find out the truth first. If you start taking the cheating as a fact, and then find out it isn't the case, you will truly feel terrible. Although that hiding phonebills and stuff sounds awfully like she indeed does cheat to some extend.

She does... but there could be perfectly legit reasons, too.

 

[lawaris]

Originally posted by: HappyPuppy
If I understand your situation correctlly, this girl is your "girlfriend." The word "girlfriend" implies that she is not your wife, concubine or slave. There is no legal agreement between the two of you to stay monogamistic. She owes you, and you owe her, nothing.

I see nothing wrong with this situation, except that you are upset.

U r an unfeeling idiot !:|

I recently went through the same hell and I know how hard it hurts ......

I even made the mistake of trying to understand it all and trying to find more ..... and proofs etc. That never helps.
Just call her and tell her she is history cos' that is something you will do one of these days anyway. Do it now and you will save yourself days of sorrow

 

[Gulzakar]

Ok, somehow I feel these apply to you...Ferengi Rules of Aquisition



#48 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

#99 Trust is the biggest liability of all.


and the one rule that Applies to you OH SO MUCH RIGHT NOW

#190 Hear all; trust nothing. ---as in , only trust what you can see, regardless of her friends...for all you know this could be a iskc little joke. Since you can't drop her without proof (that would be dumb) I suggest you take matters in your own hand, and bring along a couple of YOUR friends to do some snooping...