Just finished crying after having one of the shortest but most powerful, honest and authentic talks of my entire life. With my dad.
My father is a traditional Chinese man. He "doesn't understand emotion" and only operates logically. As a former engineer and software developer, he literally thinks in 1's and 0's. He didn't say "I love you" until I was 19 years old, and only then when I explained how important it was for me to hear those words from him. He shows his love by providing and by giving gifts, not in the form of words of affirmation.
I've been practicing patience, acceptance, and forgiveness. But there is one incident that stands out that I've had a really, really hard time letting go of.
It was the day I graduated from USC with my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy. I'd worked hard to pay my own way through grad school, and I was proud and excited to walk the stage in my cap and gown with my family cheering me on.
Things didn't quite work out as planned. As I was driving my family to campus for my graduation, already wearing my cap and gown, my father sat in the passenger seat of the car, his face cold and angry. He called me a "stupid," a "dumb idiot," and a "loser" for not having a $100k+ paying job lined up and ready for me to begin. He yelled at me that I was a "waste" and that he wanted nothing to do with me or my graduation. He told me that he was disappointed in me, and that I would never amount to anything.
My mom and sisters sat quietly in the back seat, deathly quiet.
I remember parking the car upon reaching campus and running off blindly, tears streaming down my face. More than anything, I wanted to make my father proud. I wanted his acceptance. Support. Validation. Love.
And once again, that day of all days, his rage and anger took over. I accepted my diploma with a heavy heart. Afterwards, I found out that my dad had taken a cab back to the hotel with my mom. I took my sisters to the beach, trying to make the day a happy one. I bought myself a t-shirt. It was a Peanuts shirt with Lucy sitting in her homemade therapy stand with a sign above it that read: "Psychiatric help: 5-cents."
I rarely spend money on myself and prefer to spend it on others. The shirt was a splurge for me... A graduation present for myself.
My dad never spoke of that day again. And I didn't bring it up, either.
My youngest sister Amanda recently graduated from UT-Austin. The entire family was there to support her. My dad bought her a rose, and we ran around the campus taking pictures together.
I was proud and happy for my sister. But part of me was sad and heartbroken that my dad hadn't been there to do the same for me.
Today, during a quiet moment alone with him at the breakfast table, I told him that I wanted to forgive him for what happened at my graduation. That I love him, and that I am grateful for him and all that he has sacrificed for our family. The tears began flowing again.
He looked at me quietly, without emotion. Then he said, in his logical dad voice: "That day was different for you than it was for me. Let me explain.
There is part of you that is a dragon. You were always best at school. Smart, good at tests, academics always easy for you.
So that day, I was angry. Angry because you weren't using your smart dragon to make money with a good job. Angry because you had gone to two elite universities with nothing to show for it, just traveling and wasting time that way. I was angry because I always knew you could be a good doctor or lawyer, but you didn't use the smart dragon to do that.
Now I see and understand that you value different things. Happiness instead of a good job. Traveling instead of security. I don't understand what is in your head and I don't understand why you think the way you do, but now I understand better who you are.
And I think that it is more important for my daughters to be happy. If you are successful as the President but not happy, then that is no good. So now after all these years, I understand. And as long as you are happy and safe, then that is okay."
Those words may not have meant much to others, but they meant the world to me. To finally be seen and accepted as-is by my father... Life-changing.
I cried and gave him a hug. He awkwardly patted me on the back (my dad doesn't do hugs or physical affection, either). Then he thoughtfully said "This is a good lesson that I've learned. I think I will share it with people at my Chinese church."
He stood up from the table, clasped his hands behind his back, and began walking away. Then, he turned around.
"You are still the dragon for your sisters. You must watch out for them, help them, love them, and take care of them. Since Mom and I won't be around forever. You are the oldest, so you must always be this dragon for your sisters."
I promised through my tears. "I will, Dad."
He walked away, nodding slightly.
And with that, a huge weight had lifted of my chest. I saw, loved, and accepted him as-is. Then and now. And he saw me.
I love my daddy.
My father is a traditional Chinese man. He "doesn't understand emotion" and only operates logically. As a former engineer and software developer, he literally thinks in 1's and 0's. He didn't say "I love you" until I was 19 years old, and only then when I explained how important it was for me to hear those words from him. He shows his love by providing and by giving gifts, not in the form of words of affirmation.
I've been practicing patience, acceptance, and forgiveness. But there is one incident that stands out that I've had a really, really hard time letting go of.
It was the day I graduated from USC with my Masters in Marriage & Family Therapy. I'd worked hard to pay my own way through grad school, and I was proud and excited to walk the stage in my cap and gown with my family cheering me on.
Things didn't quite work out as planned. As I was driving my family to campus for my graduation, already wearing my cap and gown, my father sat in the passenger seat of the car, his face cold and angry. He called me a "stupid," a "dumb idiot," and a "loser" for not having a $100k+ paying job lined up and ready for me to begin. He yelled at me that I was a "waste" and that he wanted nothing to do with me or my graduation. He told me that he was disappointed in me, and that I would never amount to anything.
My mom and sisters sat quietly in the back seat, deathly quiet.
I remember parking the car upon reaching campus and running off blindly, tears streaming down my face. More than anything, I wanted to make my father proud. I wanted his acceptance. Support. Validation. Love.
And once again, that day of all days, his rage and anger took over. I accepted my diploma with a heavy heart. Afterwards, I found out that my dad had taken a cab back to the hotel with my mom. I took my sisters to the beach, trying to make the day a happy one. I bought myself a t-shirt. It was a Peanuts shirt with Lucy sitting in her homemade therapy stand with a sign above it that read: "Psychiatric help: 5-cents."
I rarely spend money on myself and prefer to spend it on others. The shirt was a splurge for me... A graduation present for myself.
My dad never spoke of that day again. And I didn't bring it up, either.
My youngest sister Amanda recently graduated from UT-Austin. The entire family was there to support her. My dad bought her a rose, and we ran around the campus taking pictures together.
I was proud and happy for my sister. But part of me was sad and heartbroken that my dad hadn't been there to do the same for me.
Today, during a quiet moment alone with him at the breakfast table, I told him that I wanted to forgive him for what happened at my graduation. That I love him, and that I am grateful for him and all that he has sacrificed for our family. The tears began flowing again.
He looked at me quietly, without emotion. Then he said, in his logical dad voice: "That day was different for you than it was for me. Let me explain.
There is part of you that is a dragon. You were always best at school. Smart, good at tests, academics always easy for you.
So that day, I was angry. Angry because you weren't using your smart dragon to make money with a good job. Angry because you had gone to two elite universities with nothing to show for it, just traveling and wasting time that way. I was angry because I always knew you could be a good doctor or lawyer, but you didn't use the smart dragon to do that.
Now I see and understand that you value different things. Happiness instead of a good job. Traveling instead of security. I don't understand what is in your head and I don't understand why you think the way you do, but now I understand better who you are.
And I think that it is more important for my daughters to be happy. If you are successful as the President but not happy, then that is no good. So now after all these years, I understand. And as long as you are happy and safe, then that is okay."
Those words may not have meant much to others, but they meant the world to me. To finally be seen and accepted as-is by my father... Life-changing.
I cried and gave him a hug. He awkwardly patted me on the back (my dad doesn't do hugs or physical affection, either). Then he thoughtfully said "This is a good lesson that I've learned. I think I will share it with people at my Chinese church."
He stood up from the table, clasped his hands behind his back, and began walking away. Then, he turned around.
"You are still the dragon for your sisters. You must watch out for them, help them, love them, and take care of them. Since Mom and I won't be around forever. You are the oldest, so you must always be this dragon for your sisters."
I promised through my tears. "I will, Dad."
He walked away, nodding slightly.
And with that, a huge weight had lifted of my chest. I saw, loved, and accepted him as-is. Then and now. And he saw me.
I love my daddy.
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