Just finished crying...

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Aug 4, 2000
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#51
Its a shame your dad is so cold as to treat you like that. It is good however that you at least understand and forgive him because in the end, you only have one dad.
 

Via

Diamond Member
Jan 14, 2009
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#52
The chapter in Outliers that dealt with Chinese Rice farmers and what their lives are like gave me a better understanding of the mindset of Chinese parents.

Although I must say - the Korean parents I've dealt with make Chinese parents look (mostly) like fluffy little lambs.
 

brainhulk

Diamond Member
Sep 14, 2007
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#54
Over the years, my specialty has become a "Love, Sex and Kink" expert in my field and I'm working on developing books, courses, and an app to help couples improve their communication, intimacy, and love relationships. Not something that I could do if I was in a 9-to-6 job easily, and for now my private practice is doing okay. :)
:awe: pics of you and your sisters?
 
Nov 27, 2001
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#55
I completely get it. The resentment is completely understandable... You want so badly to be treated with openness and unconditional love, acceptance, and support... And when it doesn't ever come, or if it doesn't come in a way that makes sense, it hurts. A lot.
I guess what makes it interesting is that it doesn't hurt at all, and I don't think it really hurt then. I guess you could use the following phrase for it, "you can't ruin something you never had." I never really had a relationship with my father, and I still don't really have one with my mother.

One of my friends found it so awkward that my parents never read to me as a child, and it made me think about my childhood more. I don't think I ever really felt affection from my parents. Sure, they bought me stuff from time to time, but I don't recall it ever feeling like something born from affection ("empty gifts"). You mentioned hugging later in your response, and it might sound a bit crazy, but I can't recall a single time when my parents hugged me as a kid.

Wow! No wonder I'm so weird. :p
 
Feb 2, 2005
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#56
I think demanding parents certainly have their place, but it doesn't work unless they actually show appreciation and pride when their kids accomplish something. Seems like most parents will either never give an inch, as in no achievement is good enough to get a nod from them, or they don't pressure their kids to be successful at all.

The middle ground there is definitely the best place to be. My parents were a bit on the lax side. They gushed over every little nothing that I did, and downplayed the times where I didn't measure up. I turned out ok, but I think I would be just a touch more demanding of my kids, while at the same time expressing genuine pride when they do something that merits it.
 

dr150

Diamond Member
Sep 18, 2003
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#57
Parents (especially Asian) who only value you by how much you make are epic fails. I'm glad he pulled out of that disillusioned black hole and figured out the real meaning of life, which is to accept your kids for who they are and what makes them happy. I thank the good Lord every day for giving me a father who never pressured me to try and become something I'm not, nor want to be.
 
Nov 29, 2006
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#58
Glad to hear a happy ending. Although is it just me or does a degree in Marriage & Family theoropy seem like something that you would have to experience first? Im assuming you were not married with kids when you got your degree? I dont think id feel comfortable getting advice from someone who has never walked the walk or wore the same shoes.
 
Apr 26, 2001
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#59
If you need his validation then good for you for having this talk.

Personally, I stopped caring long ago, though we certainly have different circumstances.
 

dr150

Diamond Member
Sep 18, 2003
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#62
Fucking parents who give children shit for living their lives should get a reality smack.

These people need to understand that this is YOUR life, not theirs.

Asian parents are the culprits in so much of their children's suffering (suicides, etc)--assholes all of them. Parents should realize they have a child to enjoy and help them live THEIR dreams, not theirs and that children aren't a millionaire meal tickets to their retirement for crissakes,

Children need to mature enough to be their own person and stand up to douche parents that it is their life to live and be happy. Period.

Good on ya for doing what makes YOU happy. :thumbsup: Your dad needs to get over that douche entitlement to your life, happiness and career. Being a lawyer would have brought more misery than you could possibly imagine, lol.
 

Lummex

Senior member
Apr 6, 2008
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#64
I teared up at this, so thank you. I have a tense relationship with my (step)father and a lot of what you said hit home. I'm glad you got to have that talk with your father. I always feel better when he and I make a breakthrough, no matter how small it is.
 

SZLiao214

Diamond Member
Sep 9, 2003
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#65
I am glad that you were able to reconcile with your father.

I had the same talk with my mother some time ago but the event had a different outcome. I told them that if they couldn't accept me then they did not have to be part of my life.

Are you happy with what you currently do? I hope you are :)
 
Apr 5, 2002
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#66
Wow... I couldn't imagine growing up with a father like that.
My father always communicated that I could do anything I wanted, as long as I tried my best. He also told me he loved me, all the time.
 

djnsmith7

Platinum Member
Apr 13, 2004
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#67
Great story. I'm glad you were able to find the much needed peace of mind. Hard to put a real value on that, but it's always important.
 

WT

Diamond Member
Sep 21, 2000
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#68
Hard to put into words as eloquently as OP did, but I feel very blessed that my Father and I were close, but unfortunately he died early at 57 of a heart attack.

Your story is truly one of strength and determination to endure that relationship. Thank you for telling your story so others can either learn from it or find solace in what they deal with, knowing they aren't the only one that lives their life dealing with that.
 

VAisforlovers

Senior member
Jun 24, 2009
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#69
/Blog. Is ATOT a blog?

What the hell is a Masters degree in Marriage & Family Therapy?
 

*kjm

Platinum Member
Oct 11, 1999
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#71
Great story and thank you for opening up and sharing it with us(sent it to my wife)! Your dad is no different than a lot of parents from that time.... they had been through hard times and gave up everything for their kids, my dad did the same.

Now that we are older and are living our lives we may have not went down the path they envisioned for us but we are doing well and I really think they have to see a lot of them in us. I only ended up getting a two year degree but I’m close to a BS now at 46yrs old and my wife and I just had our first of two kids (God willing).

Our life has been great together…. We have a happy home and we are living a great life and are doing what we love and doing well… My dad and I have a very tight relationship today… GLAD you found yours!
 
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MrsBugi

Platinum Member
Aug 19, 2005
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#72
Glad to hear a happy ending. Although is it just me or does a degree in Marriage & Family theoropy seem like something that you would have to experience first? Im assuming you were not married with kids when you got your degree? I dont think id feel comfortable getting advice from someone who has never walked the walk or wore the same shoes.
Thanks soulcougher73, I'm glad things are turning the way they are, too. :)

And no, I wasn't married and I didn't have kids when I got my degree. But I learned a lot of amazing techniques and theories to help, and at the end of the day, I really cared. Which was ultimately the most important thing.

Nobody has ever, or will ever, walked your walk or worn your shoes.

I've worked with Holocaust survivors, but I didn't go through the Holocaust.

I've worked with victims of natural disasters, but I've never been a victim of a natural disaster.

My work has been effective in many cases with many different clients. Not because I've lived through exactly what my clients have lived through, but because we all share a common human experience... We all know what pain feels like. We all know what anger and sadness feel like. And we all experience it in different ways... And sometimes we need a little help moving through it.

In my opinion, an effective therapist is one that cares and who has gone through and processed all the experiences in their lives - Joy, pain, sadness, excitement, disappointment, hope, etc. One that can understand their client not by going through exactly what they went through, but by being able to relate to their emotional experience, and finding a way to best help them from that foundation.

:)
 

MrsBugi

Platinum Member
Aug 19, 2005
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#73
Great story and thank you for opening up and sharing it with us(sent it to my wife)! Your dad is no different than a lot of parents from that time.... they had been through hard times and gave up everything for their kids, my dad did the same.

Now that we are older and are living our lives we may have not went down the path they envisioned for us but we are doing well and I really think they have to see a lot of them in us. I only ended up getting a two year degree but I’m close to a BS now at 46yrs old and my wife and I just had our first of two kids (God willing).

Our life has been great together…. We have a happy home and we are living a great life and are doing what we love and doing well… My dad and I have a very tight relationship today… GLAD you found yours!
You are so welcome, *kjm. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing my experience with your wife... It sounds like you can both relate, especially now that you are at a place where you are living your lives on your terms, happy and doing well even if it was not what your parents might have originally planned. It makes my heart happy to haer that you and your dad have a very close relationship today... Congrats on earning your upcoming BS and congrats to you and your wife for becoming parents!! So much to be celebrated and grateful for... Thank you for sharing and for the smiles. :)
 

MrsBugi

Platinum Member
Aug 19, 2005
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#74
Hard to put into words as eloquently as OP did, but I feel very blessed that my Father and I were close, but unfortunately he died early at 57 of a heart attack.

Your story is truly one of strength and determination to endure that relationship. Thank you for telling your story so others can either learn from it or find solace in what they deal with, knowing they aren't the only one that lives their life dealing with that.
Thank you for reading and for your compassionate words. And I am glad to know that you had a close relationship with your father, I imagine you made the most of your time together before he passed away unexpectedly at such a young age. What a blessing indeed. My dad is 62, and I am going to do my best to make the most of all the time we have left together.
 

MrsBugi

Platinum Member
Aug 19, 2005
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#75
I am glad that you were able to reconcile with your father.

I had the same talk with my mother some time ago but the event had a different outcome. I told them that if they couldn't accept me then they did not have to be part of my life.

Are you happy with what you currently do? I hope you are :)
Me too, SZLiao. Me too. And I commend your courage for having the same talk with your mother... I am sorry you didn't get the outcome you may have hoped for, but the most important thing is that you were honest with yourself and with her about who you are and what you need. I hope that one day she will be ready to receive it, understand, and respond in a way that is loving... It took my parents many years, but they are finally changing and it brings me to tears to think about how far they have come.

And yes, I am very happy with what I currently do. I know I have found my life's passion and purpose, and I am pursuing it with all of my heart. :)
 

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