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jokes to entertain

How you can tell a woman is going to say something smart?

She starts the sentence off with the line - A man once told me.
 
So, Little Johney and his dad are taking a walk around the block when they pass this vacant lot where there are these two dogs farking. Little Johney asks, "Daddy, what are those doggies doing?" His father replies, "Well son, they're making puppies." Later that night Johney is in bed asleep when it starts raining and thundering and lightening. He gets scared and runs into his parents bedroom where he finds the two of them going at it. He asks, "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?" His father says, "Well son, we're trying to make you a little brother." Little Johney replies, "Oh no, turn her over daddy. I want puppies."
 
Originally posted by: azazyel
So, Little Johney and his dad are taking a walk around the block when they pass this vacant lot where there are these two dogs farking. Little Johney asks, "Daddy, what are those doggies doing?" His father replies, "Well son, they're making puppies." Later that night Johney is in bed asleep when it starts raining and thundering and lightening. He gets scared and runs into his parents bedroom where he finds the two of them going at it. He asks, "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?" His father says, "Well son, we're trying to make you a little brother." Little Johney replies, "Oh no, turn her over daddy. I want puppies."
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LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
The judge asked the redneck "Why did you shoot your wife?"
The redneck said "Because she was farking my best friend."
The judge asked "Well then what did you do to your best friend?"
The redneck replied "I swatted him with a newspaper and said 'bad dog.'"
 
This guy walks in to a bar, and he's got a monkey with him. As soon as the guys sits down, the monkey jumps up and starts eating things left and right. He eats peanuts off of the bar, he eats the olive out of a drink, and he even jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
The bartender, rather shocked, said "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The man says "Yeah, don't worry. He does it all the time. I'll pay for everything."
And the man pays and leaves. A week later, he comes back in to the same bar and he has the same monkey with him. The monkey promptly jumps on the bar and sticks a cherry up its ass and eats it.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" said the bartender.
"Yeah, I know, he eats things."
"But he just stuck a cherry up its ass and ate it!"
"Oh, well, after that cue ball last week, he measures everything first"
 
A man walks into a diner and reads the days specials, which are hand job or ham sandwich $3.

The waitress comes to the mans table and ask if he's ready to order, he says "excurse me, are you the one that gives the handjobs?" and she replies "yes I am" he says well go wash your farking hands! I want the ham sandwich!
 
This thread is golden, I'll contribute.

A man walks into a bank and goes up to the teller and says, "I need to open a fvcking checking account." The teller was startled at this man's blunt profanity and she asked him to excuse the language.

"No, I just want to open a fvcking checking account."
"Sir, you're gonna have to watch your inappropriate language."

"I Just want to open a fvcking checking account."
"We do not tolerate this kind of behavior here, I'm gonna go get a manager."

So she went and talked to the manager, the manager approached the man and asked:
"What seems to be the problem here sir?"

The man answered:
"I just won 10 million dollars and I just want to open a fvcking checking account!"

Then the manager said............




"Is this bitch giving you trouble?"
 
95% of women are reputed to have some intelligent dna in them...

... unfortunately for those women, most of them spit it out =P
 
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, "I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."

"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And your wish?"

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resemb! ling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
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