Joke of the Day

[Phokus]

A mother was cleaning her 14 year old son's bedroom when she stumbled across a stack of S&M magazines. Going to the boy's father, she asks "what should we do?" The father responded, "I don't know, but for God's sake, don't spank him!"

 

[BooneRebel]

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which
is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a
drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always
shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and
the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea
into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender,
and he says,

"I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know
there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles
come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know
when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might
suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But
couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every
Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know-she might say
yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT
to happen?"

 

[AmazonRasta]

Haha. That's a good joke. I've got a joke I'd like to tell as well. I just heard a few days ago from a friend in the midst of discussing religion. Here it goes:

A very religious man owned a home in a town that was situated in a deep valley. A couple of kilometers away from the town stood a damn. The previous night, it had rained so hard that the water built up and started to overflow the damn. It continued to rain for days, until most of the houses in the town had their basements flooded. A couple of days later, the water level was higher than the front doors on all the houses. Most of the people had already left town fearing that if they didn't, the water level would get too high and everybody would drown. The only person left in town was the religious man.

Out of nowhere, a voice came onto a loudspeaker, "Sir, this is the US Coast Gaurd. We're here to save you before you drown. Please hurry up and get into our boat." The religious man replied, "Don't worry about saving me! I have nothing to worry about! God is going to rescue me!" The Coast Guard thought the man was crazy, but what could they do? They turned their boat around and left.

It continued to pour and over the next couple of days the water level had risen to just over the second floor of the house. All of a sudden, the man heard somebody scream from a loudspeaker, "Sir, this is the USNavy. We are here to save you. Please come to the boat." The man opened one of his house windows and screamed back, "The Coast Guard was already here! Don't worry about saving me! I have nothing to worry about! God is going to rescue me!" The voice on the loudspeaker responded, "Very well sir." and the boat left the house.

It continued to pour heavily for the next couple of days. To survive, the man was no sitting on the roof of his house. Out of nowhere, he heard a very loud racket. He looked over his shoulder to see an Army helicopter quickly approaching his house. When it arrived, down came a rope ladder. "Sir, you've got to climb this now! If you stay here any longer, you will surely drown!" The religious man replied, "Look, the Coast Guard and the Navy have already been here and if I didn't need their help I definitely don't need yours! I have nothing to worry about anyways, because God is going to save me!"

A few more days passed and it continued to pour down rain. All the houses in the valley were completely covered with water, and the religious man had drowned and gone to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, he saw God walking by. "God!" he said. "My whole life I've prayed to you. My whole life I've followed your commandments. I devoted my whole life to doing what you wanted me to do, and in my greatest moment of need, you weren't there for me! I'm dead now because you didn't rescue me!"

"I didn't rescue you?" God said. "I didn't rescue you?" God said again. "For goodness sake man! I sent the Coast Gaurd to rescue you, I sent the Navy to rescue and I sent the Army to rescue you!"

Buwahaha. I don't think that's exactly how the joke goes. I remember the punch line being a little bit funnier, but this still brings the point across.

 

[Phokus]

Hehe, good stuff guys, keep 'em coming

 

[yakko]

AmazonRasta,

I heard the shorter version that ended with God saying "What do you mean why didn't I save you? I sent a truck, two boats and a helicopter."

 

[Rallispec]

good stuff
lets hear some more

 

[styrafoam]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuffed in his pants and a distraught look on his face, and attempts to sit on a bar stool. The bartender notices him having a difficult time and asks "Is everything ok? What are you doing with that thing?" The pirate responds(in your best pirate voice) "ARRRRR, this thing is drivin me nuts!"

 

[propellerhead]

I'll have to forward that rescue one to my priest friend. I've heard one of his speeches in church about how some people try too hard to see God. He always pushed for simplicity. I'm sure he can use this joke as an intro to one of those speeches.