Joke of the day - 9-09-00

[GoldenBear]

Three computer programmers walk into a bar. They all order a shot of the strongest thing the bartender has there, but he only has enough for one person.

The first programmer goes, "Boy, I just completed a software project that took 2 months to complete working 10 hours a day, if anyone deserves just a bit of relaxing, it's me."

The second programmer says to him, "Man that's nothing, I just finished a project that took my 6 months, working 12 hours a day."

Finally the third programmer replies to both of them saying, "You call that 'work'? I've worked for the past year crunching code for 14 hours a day, and we're not even 10% into our program."

The first two programmers amazed, ask, "Wow, are you a part of Microsoft or something?"

The third prorgrammer answers, "Actually, yes, we're developing Solitare 2.0."

 

[Howard]

Don't make fun of Solitaire, I'm warning you!!!

 

[Mr.IncrediblyBored]

Hehehe. Nice

 

[Mikewarrior2]

Wait, I have one...


One day GladiatorMaximus will find his brain.... ooops, nevermind... can't happen



Mike

 

[RSI]

Hey Mike, good one

 

[Adul]

Iwas going to pick on GM. HEHE

 

[downhiller80]

It's a hard life being a dick. One of your neighbour's an arsehole, the other's talking bollocks and your best mate's a cùnt.

Seb

 

[Howard]

ouch

 

[MGallik]

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive99, a suite
of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been
a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes
these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the
copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of
human beings.

The Contraceptive99 suite consists of three products: Condom99, DeFetus
1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy
of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions.

Contraceptive99 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive99 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed
at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive99 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known
as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install
the package. At installation, the Condom99 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is
sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation,
operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient
RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect
is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off
your partner.

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most
serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of
these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time
its used.

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive99 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks,
it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far
superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and
Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive99's potential.
He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each
other what we've been doing to our customers for years."

 

[ltk007]

bloatware....

 

[Viper GTS]

...And every time you get excited you stand up & puke all over yourself.

:Q

Viper GTS

 

[DataFly]

LOL @ MGallik

This line is the best:



<< Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive99's potential.
He recently said, &quot;Our contraceptive products will help users do to each
other what we've been doing to our customers for years.&quot;

<<

ROTFLMAO

 

[Redwingsguy]

3 guys were at the gates of heaven, St. Peter says only one can enter, so the one with the saddest story may go.

The 1st guy goes yea see I was suspicious my wife was cheatin so I come home and shes alone, but I sensed he was still here, as I walk by the window I see this hand on the sill, I was so mad I bashed it with a hammer and then picked up my fridge and threw it out the window at him too. But while I was pickin up the fridge, I had a heart attack and died!

The 2nd guy goes, well I was cleanin windows and my scafold breaks, and I start fallin, but I was able to hold on to a window sill, but some jackass comes alone and bashes my hand with a hammer and I fall again, but land on a canopy and still live! But this same jackass threw his fridge after me then I died.

The 3rd guy goes, well here I am minding my own bussiness in this fridge.......

 

[downhiller80]

Cheers viper I couldn't remember the rest of it. I think there's more as well.

Seb

 

[MGallik]

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, &quot;Oh, is this place what I really
think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?&quot;

To which St. Peter replied, &quot;Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter.&quot; The woman was very
excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

&quot;Spell a word,&quot; St. Peter replied.

&quot;What word?&quot; she asked.

&quot;Any word,&quot; answered St. Peter. &quot;It's your choice.&quot;

The woman promptly replied, &quot;Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.&quot;

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom.

&quot;I'd be honored,&quot; she said, &quot;but what should I do if someone comes while
you are gone?&quot;

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left
sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring
around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes
it is her husband. &quot;What happened?&quot; she cried, &quot;Why are you here?&quot; Her
husband stared at her for a moment, then said, &quot;I was so upset when I left
your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
it to Heaven?&quot;

To which the woman replied, &quot;Not yet. You must spell a word first.&quot; &quot;What
word?&quot; he asked. The woman responded, &quot;Czechoslovakianishizm&quot;.