I don’t know. I was told by someone who told me that was the Big Question that I would know what to do if I could first fix being like that myself. From that I gather that my own sadness and depression may be a part of the problem, that I focus on fixing them to avoid fixing myself. The little I know within my own personal experience, my one for me big moment of revelation, the reason I could be open at all to the suggestion that the source of our problems lie within rather than out there came to me at the darkest time of my life, when I lost all hope of personal happiness, having lost all faith in the brainwashing that had made me happy.
In short, l lost faith there is a God and reward and punishment for good and evil, that the universe itself is empty of meaning. In losing everything I had that could be taken, I discovered in a flash what was left. The need for meaning is as meaningless as everything else.
I could not help or contain the sadness I felt within and letting go of all hope for denial allowed me to suffer. Suffering is grief and grief heals.
Later from my teacher I learned that what we suffer from is the loss of our true selves from the inculcation of self hate via by being put down as children. My teacher was a psychologist who had had more psychoanalysis than anybody he knew, and was also very successful in life including a great marriage and family.
An event happened to him he could not explain, his wife, despite all of that divorced him. He set out to find out why and read deeply finding nothing until one day a patient of his with an extremely poor sense of self worth but who had brightened up finding a boyfriend came to session in deep distress. In a deep state of emotional distress where she could not be deceptive, he asked her why she broke up with him. She answered, “He loves me, the dope.”
He realized what she meant, that only a fool could love someone as worthless as her and this feeling prevented allowing anybody to love her. He had to ask if this was true of his wife who didn’t have such apparent issues and finally he turned the question on himself.
Via therapy and sessions alone in his car he allowed himself to dive deep within and discovered by reliving his past back even to 6 month of age, that he, despite all evidence of his personal worldly success hated himself too. And because he relived his past and could as an adult see the actual data he had taken as true said he was with a 99.999% certainty that what he had bought were lies and that he was OK. To be in his presence for me is impossible to describe but very different.
So the best I can answer is that I can’t answer your question but believe the is one to be found within. I believe we are trapped in a prison made of the assumptions we unconsciously believe to be real, assumptions I refer to as sacred cows. I believe that prison is a false identity I call ego and that the cure is humility we wish not to practice. I believe that if we need to fix other people it’s part of the problem, but also that we live in a world of deep psychological ignorance. I think light there is needed and can help. It helps to know that it is self hate that is the real enemy and there is only one person who we can cure of that directly. I believe that our true selves are hidden but can’t be lost, that we were meant to be full of love, that God is real in the sense that His true image and His reflection are one and the same thing. I believe there is the world of delusion we live in and the truth there is only love. And I believe also there is a part of me that rejects all of this, that says I am guilty of sin and unworthy, that I must get even and never give up on revenge.
We are the world created by what we do not know we feel.
So the answer is to know what we feel but personally I have not gotten to the bottom of it. I do not know all the lies I believe. I stumble along trying to do something to share always ashamed of my answers.
"Man was made for joy and woe... when this we rightly know, safely through the world we go." -- William Blake
The Divine Image
By
William Blake
To Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
All pray in their distress;
And to these virtues of delight
Return their thankfulness.
For Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is God, our father dear,
And Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love
Is Man, his child and care.
For Mercy has a human heart,
Pity a human face,
And Love, the human form divine,
And Peace, the human dress.
Then every man, of every clime,
That prays in his distress,
Prays to the human form divine,
Love, Mercy, Pity, Peace.
And all must love the human form,
In heathen, Turk, or Jew;
Where Mercy, Love, and Pity dwell
There God is dwelling too.