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It is FRIDAY!!!! :)
- Thread starter DaShen
- Start date
JustinGoodie
Senior member
"gonna sit down in the kitchen, fix me something good to eat...
make my head a little high, make the whole day complete...
cause we're gonna lay around the shanty mama, and put a good buzz on"
make my head a little high, make the whole day complete...
cause we're gonna lay around the shanty mama, and put a good buzz on"
ZoomStop
Senior member
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist...
"Could you please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the young man isgoing out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist
gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says; "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying:
"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"
"Could you please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the young man isgoing out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist
gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says; "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying:
"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I did not know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"
fustercluck
Diamond Member
Who are the Rockets playing? They going to win or lose do you think?
...just making conversation 🙂
...just making conversation 🙂
ZoomStop
Senior member
Since no one else is getting in on this, don't mind if I do...
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fvckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fvckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fvckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fvckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fvckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fvckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
ZoomStop
Senior member
Ack, OK, one more. Feel free to modify as you see fit:
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policemen, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristicaly quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's an assistant coach for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so."
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policemen, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristicaly quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He's an assistant coach for the Michigan Wolverines, but I was too embarrassed to say so."
Ketteringo
Banned
Fixed.
ZoomStop
Senior member
Few more zingers... Sure to offend someone...
Q: How did the Germans capture Poland so easy?
A: The marched in backwards and said they were leaving.
--------------------
The hillbilly kid said to his father, "Pa, i done founded mahself a new gurl! I'm a gonna marry her." The father says "Good fer you son. What's she like?" "Well, she's real purty, with most of her teeth, blonde hairded, and best of all, she's a virgin!" His father gets cross and says "You can't marry her, boy! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for our'n!"
---------------------
Two guys were camping for a week, way out in the wilderness. They got tired of each other's company after a few days, so decided to split up for a day. At the end of the day, guy 1 gets back to the campsite early. When guy 2 returns, his friend tells him of his great, relaxing day, dipping his feet in bubbling brooks, napping in lovely meadows with butterflies and chirping birds. "I'm feeling so refreshed" he says.
"Wait 'til you hear about MY day", says guy 2.
"I was walking along and found a railroad. I followed it for a while, and then, off in the distance, I saw something on the track. As I got closer, I realised that it was a person, tied to the tracks! I ran up, and saw that it was a woman, with the most amazing body you've ever seen. She was totally naked too! I untied her, and guess what we spent the rest of the day doing?"
"You didn't!"
"Yep! We screwed in every position you can imagine. She was amazing."
Guy 1 says "I've gotta ask...how was the oral?"
To which guy 2 replies, "I dunno, I never did find her head!"
-------------------------
2 computer geeks were playin golf when one of them shanks it way into the woods as he's lookin for his ball he comes a cross a magical toad that tells him she is really princess and if he kisses her the spell will be broken and she'll make him oh so happy. He places the toad in his pocket and continues to look for his ball the toad keeps pleading for him to kiss her when finally he pulls the toad out of his pocket and says "I'm a computer geek I dont need some lame ass girlfriend but now a talking toad thats Frostin cool"
ahh, I'm done. Other peoples turn. Come on now!
Q: How did the Germans capture Poland so easy?
A: The marched in backwards and said they were leaving.
--------------------
The hillbilly kid said to his father, "Pa, i done founded mahself a new gurl! I'm a gonna marry her." The father says "Good fer you son. What's she like?" "Well, she's real purty, with most of her teeth, blonde hairded, and best of all, she's a virgin!" His father gets cross and says "You can't marry her, boy! If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for our'n!"
---------------------
Two guys were camping for a week, way out in the wilderness. They got tired of each other's company after a few days, so decided to split up for a day. At the end of the day, guy 1 gets back to the campsite early. When guy 2 returns, his friend tells him of his great, relaxing day, dipping his feet in bubbling brooks, napping in lovely meadows with butterflies and chirping birds. "I'm feeling so refreshed" he says.
"Wait 'til you hear about MY day", says guy 2.
"I was walking along and found a railroad. I followed it for a while, and then, off in the distance, I saw something on the track. As I got closer, I realised that it was a person, tied to the tracks! I ran up, and saw that it was a woman, with the most amazing body you've ever seen. She was totally naked too! I untied her, and guess what we spent the rest of the day doing?"
"You didn't!"
"Yep! We screwed in every position you can imagine. She was amazing."
Guy 1 says "I've gotta ask...how was the oral?"
To which guy 2 replies, "I dunno, I never did find her head!"
-------------------------
2 computer geeks were playin golf when one of them shanks it way into the woods as he's lookin for his ball he comes a cross a magical toad that tells him she is really princess and if he kisses her the spell will be broken and she'll make him oh so happy. He places the toad in his pocket and continues to look for his ball the toad keeps pleading for him to kiss her when finally he pulls the toad out of his pocket and says "I'm a computer geek I dont need some lame ass girlfriend but now a talking toad thats Frostin cool"
ahh, I'm done. Other peoples turn. Come on now!
MBrown
Diamond Member
You've probably heard this.
There were three men in an Airplane. The Airplane has a malfunction and crashes in the the woods.
Fortunately, they survived but unfortunately the woods that they crashed in were infested with cannibals
A cannibal comes up to the three men and says "If each one of you guys goes and brings me back ten fruits each I will let you guys live."
So the three men go on thier ways getting their ten fruits.
The first guy comes back with ten apples. The cannibal then told the first guy that in order for him to survive he has to put ever last one of those apples up his @$$.
On the second apple the guy could not go any further, and the cannibal was furious with him and killed him on the spot. When the died he rose to heaven.
The second guy comes back with ten blue berries. The cannibal now tells this guy that he must put ever one of those blue berries up his rear. The man proceeds to do so.
On the 9th blue berrie, the guy starts laughing so hard that he is getting tears in his eyes. The cannibal was furious with him for making fun of the situation and laughing so he kills him.
He rises to heaven. When the first guy and the second guy are going up to heaven, the first guy askes the second guy "Why did you start laughing man? you could have lived!" And the second guy said "because I saw the third guy coming back with ten watermelons"
There were three men in an Airplane. The Airplane has a malfunction and crashes in the the woods.
Fortunately, they survived but unfortunately the woods that they crashed in were infested with cannibals
A cannibal comes up to the three men and says "If each one of you guys goes and brings me back ten fruits each I will let you guys live."
So the three men go on thier ways getting their ten fruits.
The first guy comes back with ten apples. The cannibal then told the first guy that in order for him to survive he has to put ever last one of those apples up his @$$.
On the second apple the guy could not go any further, and the cannibal was furious with him and killed him on the spot. When the died he rose to heaven.
The second guy comes back with ten blue berries. The cannibal now tells this guy that he must put ever one of those blue berries up his rear. The man proceeds to do so.
On the 9th blue berrie, the guy starts laughing so hard that he is getting tears in his eyes. The cannibal was furious with him for making fun of the situation and laughing so he kills him.
He rises to heaven. When the first guy and the second guy are going up to heaven, the first guy askes the second guy "Why did you start laughing man? you could have lived!" And the second guy said "because I saw the third guy coming back with ten watermelons"
What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
Great work, team!
***********************
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ?What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!?
***********************
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
************************
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
************************
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
************************
Great work, team!
***********************
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ?What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!?
***********************
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
************************
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
************************
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
************************
thraashman
Lifer
That's so AWESOME. I was halfway through this thread and was about to tell this exact same joke myself. I love this one.
thraashman
Lifer
Ok I got one too.
There are three old men sitting at a table in a bar reminiscing about what the most exciting moment in each of their lives was.
The first guy starts "Well I used to be a police office. There was one time when we got involved in a shoot out with the infamous McKinley gang. Bullets were whizzing by, bodies were dropping on both sides.." They all agrees that sounded pretty exciting.
The second guy goes "Well I used to be a fireman. And one time I was called to put out a fire at a sorority house on the local college campus. And the naked co-ed girls had to jump out of the windows into my arms." They all agreed, that was pretty exciting.
The third guy says "Well I used to be a coroner. And I remember one time I was called to pick up a body that was lying under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there I saw the body had a huge erection. I didn't wanna wheel the body out through the lobby like that. So I went and grabbed a broom handle and I hit the erection as hard as I could ..... Talk about exciting, I was in the wrong damn room!"
There are three old men sitting at a table in a bar reminiscing about what the most exciting moment in each of their lives was.
The first guy starts "Well I used to be a police office. There was one time when we got involved in a shoot out with the infamous McKinley gang. Bullets were whizzing by, bodies were dropping on both sides.." They all agrees that sounded pretty exciting.
The second guy goes "Well I used to be a fireman. And one time I was called to put out a fire at a sorority house on the local college campus. And the naked co-ed girls had to jump out of the windows into my arms." They all agreed, that was pretty exciting.
The third guy says "Well I used to be a coroner. And I remember one time I was called to pick up a body that was lying under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there I saw the body had a huge erection. I didn't wanna wheel the body out through the lobby like that. So I went and grabbed a broom handle and I hit the erection as hard as I could ..... Talk about exciting, I was in the wrong damn room!"
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