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isaac needs feedback on his essay PART II, REVISED.

iskim86

iskim86

Banned
TOPIC: Describe an experience in your life that either demonstrates your character or helped shape it

The length of your essay should be - before you paste it into the application window - no longer than two pages, typed and double-spaced.

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Isaac Kim

Everyone has an experience in their life that either reveals their character or their hidden interests. I had my more tolerant side demonstrate through during my sophomore year, when I discovered a new way to express myself. The moment I first laid my hands on my brand new guitar, I knew this would be my new toy for life. What made me pick up and play the guitar was inspiration. When I first listened to metal, its shredding melodic solos and heavy riffs blew me away. The rest is history. I soon got my new momentous toy, a new electric guitar.
All the schoolwork and stress from homework and friends make me tired, stressed, and angry- this is when I play my guitar to soften myself. Whether it is soft rock or heavy metal, either does a great job of clearing all the built-up grime in my mind. What I really like about playing guitar is that it gives me something to do during my free time, other than watching TV, playing video games, or not doing anything productive in my room. Playing the guitar definitely lets me be creative.
To me, playing guitar has a special meaning. First of all, it changes the way I view things. It expands my ways of thinking, and how I view other styles of music, fashion, trends, opinions, beliefs, and behavior. When I first started playing, my view was very narrow and limited to heavy string banging and monotonous rhythm and melody. Playing an instrument definitely expanded my view on different styles of music. My musical preference has shifted over from mainstream radio-friendly pop to styles more technical: metal (progressive, 50?s ~80?s, heavy, fusion to name some), jazz and blues, and classical. As I started venturing into different varieties of music, it enabled me to be more open to others, and changed my view on people. This was when I realized that individuals have different opinions and viewpoints that shape their attitude and that it matters to them just as much as how my beliefs and opinions matter to me.
When I play my guitar, it gives me a fresh view of the world. It?s not the usual Hawaiian landscape and smell of the clean air, but it takes me somewhere to a dreamland in the back of my mind. It reveals what?s in the back of my head, and this is what I learn and earn as I play ? hidden truths about myself that I didn?t even know of. It gives me a glimpse of what musical styles or mental state I prefer more than anything else.
Playing an instrument has greatly improved my mental state and my ways of thinking. The first few minutes of my first time picking up the guitar were the most significant experience that I can never forget. I still have that moment captured on tape in my memories.

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any feedback would be appreciated. it will be used for my college admission portfolio........ not a college class but JUST FOR ADMISSIONS.

thanks a lot guys I lub all of you.
 
"I soon got my new momentous toy, a new electric guitar"

I'm not so sure, but is it supposed to be

"I soon got my new momentous toy: a new electric guitar"

also you repeat the word new twice in this sentence, which sounds somewhat redundant...is

"I soon got my new momentous toy:/, an electric guitar"

okay? atot correct me if im wrong plz 🙂
 
Yeesh....The intent is there I think. I suggest that you pick up a book called "The 500 Word Theme". The basic idea of the book is structuring your written thoughts in a coherent and logical fashion. It provides and extremely powerful methodology which can essentially be scaled to virtually any size paper or discussion. Although it is not applicable to certain types of writing styles (most notably pure fiction and/or narratives), the technique is extremely useful for persuasive writing which is what is most typically used in day to day publications (i.e. lab reports, presentation of a project, proposals, business reports, etc.).

Since you were probably looking for more of a quick fix, I agree with the previous poster regarding staying in a particular tense. Also, you may want to carefully examine your sentence structures as the overall flow of the essay is not particularly smooth.

Good luck and Merry Xmas
 
try to group your ideas into paragraphs since this is only a 2 page paper. Devote one paragraph to introducing the topic, one to how it changed you, another to why you like it, then justify your answer (great time to express the way it makes you feel), then close it.
 
I'll probably have more suggestions later but heres one thing I think you may want to change. Since the reader already knows your talking about the guitar, you should rephrase the line: The rest is history. I soon got my new momentous toy, a new electric guitar. It just sounds awkward. It's more effective if you put in the actual name of the guitar. Who knows, the reader may even be a guitar player.

I agree with the other posts in that you need to stick to one tense. For example: "All the schoolwork and stress from homework and friends make me tired.." Change the make to made.

Your only limited to a few lines, I would take out lots of things in your paper. Your first sentence, I think, is unecessary.

My best advice is take this whole essay sentence by sentence and make ever word count. Instead of saying "playing an instrument", why don't you at least write "playing my guitar" or "learning the guitar"


 
The first paragraph is somewhat lame... in the generic sense... it's like you just opened a canned statement and threw in a few keywords.


Secondly, it's not passionate enough. I don't see what seperates you from every other high school kid with a guitar. You need to show that or whoever is reading it probably won't care. Use lots of warm, intensive words to show your situations. Think "Burning". (You'll know what I mean if you feel it 🙂 )
 
I'm currently writing application essays for MBA programs myself. Let me tell you that your style and content needs major revision. You need to capture the reading and hold their interest. This essay needs to be completely rewritten if you want to be competitive in your application process.

Your essay is a good first draft, basically getting your thoughts down to paper, but there are no transitions and flow. I started reading and immediately got bored, because it felt typical and cookie cutter. Your aim in the app process is to STAND OUT from the thousands. I'll note changes below:

- "Everyone has an experience in their life that either reveals their character or their hidden interests. "
You start out with a generalization....bad idea. It's dull, lifeless and the reader is already reaching out for the coffee.

Change to something like: "Many experiences in life have shaped me into the <confident/driven/ambitious/talented etc> person that I am now, but my defining moment occured on <insert date> when my fingers gripped the mahogany neck of my guitar."

Do you notice how descriptive and smooth that sentence is? It creates a visualization. Tell me you are not insterested in reading more after that. It is also a perfect opening sentence, because you have presented your thesis, and the reader knows what to expect in the essay...your experiences with the guitar.


That was just an eyeopener into what your essay needs to be like. I hope that gave you some insight.
 
Originally posted by: ness1469
The first paragraph is somewhat lame... in the generic sense... it's like you just opened a canned statement and threw in a few keywords.


Secondly, it's not passionate enough. I don't see what seperates you from every other high school kid with a guitar. You need to show that or whoever is reading it probably won't care. Use lots of warm, intensive words to show your situations. Think "Burning". (You'll know what I mean if you feel it 🙂 )
Click to expand...

Exactly.

Convey your passion for the guitar in your words.
 
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