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is this funny or does it suck? Be honest!

S

slackerinabox

Lifer
I've posted this before but this is my final edit, I think... Please read it and let me know if it sucks and what needs to be removed / changed to stop it from sucking... I'll be performing this tomorrow! ahhh! any advice would be very appreciated...

my monologue

By the way, the main grading criteria is based on the metaphores and symbols that I use - are they effective? Do they add or distract from the story being told...
 
have you actually had white people as you how you liked your experiences here as an immigrant?
 
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
 
Originally posted by: notfred
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, do you think that something can be done to tighten the metaphor or is it a lost cause?
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, do you think that something can be done to tighten the metaphor or is it a lost cause?
Click to expand...

Maybe if you made the whole thing involve computers rather than barely mentioning that you like them.
 
So a coming to America kind of a tale? I have lots of stories about that. But sadly, I keep forgetting details, and people think I am making stuff up.
 
Originally posted by: notfred
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, do you think that something can be done to tighten the metaphor or is it a lost cause?
Click to expand...

Maybe if you made the whole thing involve computers rather than barely mentioning that you like them.
Click to expand...

Well, the computers aren't the main point though.. They're just a metaphor for my life and my confusion..
 
Here's my question:
Have you actually run this a few times actually putting cards into the case and then shaking them out, retrieving them and hitting them with a hammer and collecting the pieces?
I have a sneaking suspicion that trying to stick a card in a slot (or are you just throwing them in an empty case?) and then chasing down an errant piece of PCB will throw off the rhythm.

Textually, though, I like it.
 
Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
So a coming to America kind of a tale? I have lots of stories about that. But sadly, I keep forgetting details, and people think I am making stuff up.
Click to expand...

Like you're from Tuvalu?
Why not just use the bit about being the "Muslim Run DMC" ?
😀
 
Originally posted by: Jzero
Here's my question:
Have you actually run this a few times actually putting cards into the case and then shaking them out, retrieving them and hitting them with a hammer and collecting the pieces?
I have a sneaking suspicion that trying to stick a card in a slot (or are you just throwing them in an empty case?) and then chasing down an errant piece of PCB will throw off the rhythm.

Textually, though, I like it.
Click to expand...

Good thought - I figured that would be a problem so I'm not really going to break them live.. I'm going to crack them at home and only slightly hit them during the presentation... Also, I'm just throwing them (placing them that is) into an empty case
 
Originally posted by: Jzero
Originally posted by: TommyVercetti
So a coming to America kind of a tale? I have lots of stories about that. But sadly, I keep forgetting details, and people think I am making stuff up.
Click to expand...

Like you're from Tuvalu?
Why not just use the bit about being the "Muslim Run DMC" ?
😀
Click to expand...

I ain't from Tuvalu. Who told you I was Muslim?

-Rico.
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, do you think that something can be done to tighten the metaphor or is it a lost cause?
Click to expand...

Maybe if you made the whole thing involve computers rather than barely mentioning that you like them.
Click to expand...

Well, the computers aren't the main point though.. They're just a metaphor for my life and my confusion..
Click to expand...

Yeah, the computers aren't the main point, which is going to make your audience wonder why the hell you're taking one apart in the middle of your monologue.
 
Originally posted by: notfred
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: notfred
The whole computer thing seems out of place and distracting through the whole thing, and the "peices fit together" thing at the end isn't enough to make it meaningful.
Click to expand...

Hmmm, well, do you think that something can be done to tighten the metaphor or is it a lost cause?
Click to expand...

Maybe if you made the whole thing involve computers rather than barely mentioning that you like them.
Click to expand...

Well, the computers aren't the main point though.. They're just a metaphor for my life and my confusion..
Click to expand...

Yeah, the computers aren't the main point, which is going to make your audience wonder why the hell you're taking one apart in the middle of your monologue.
Click to expand...

Well, someone wore diapers through his and another person threw paper airplanes.. We HAVE to use a prop as a metaphor.. We have to be a little arty/pretentious about it.. I agree, it's stupid.. but others were even more inane (eating donuts during a monologue about men, lighting candles during a monologue about family, etc)
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
Originally posted by: Deslocke
I thought it was pretty good up until the ending.
Click to expand...

What don't you like about the ending?
Click to expand...
"I guess I'm just trying to figure out how all of these pieces fit together."

I don't know exactly why I don't like it but I don't. does that help? didn't think so. maybe it just seems a bit anticlimactic. you need to blow some stuff up and kill a few people...
 
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