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I'm Bored... Funny Jokes Here

M

mad0maxx

Senior member
A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM
 
Originally posted by: mad0maxx
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
4/10. That's a generous four.
Click to expand...

Seriously if you are gonna rate it then post a better joke if you think mine is bad... :thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

So a married couple have been together for 15 years. They have a healthy sex life, except that for the whole time they have been together they have never once made love with the lights on. She has confronted him about it numerous times but he refuses to make love to her unless it is dark.

So one night she decides that she wants to change this. In the heat of passion, she leans over and switches on the bedside lamp, only to see him sitting in front of her, thrusting a dildo in and out of her.

Furious, she says to him, "Do you care to explain this?!"
To which he replies "I'll explain this when you explain the fvcking kids!"
 
Stolen, saw it originally posted here (probably by the jester):

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
Originally posted by: mad0maxx
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
4/10. That's a generous four.
Click to expand...

Seriously if you are gonna rate it then post a better joke if you think mine is bad... :thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

So a married couple have been together for 15 years. They have a healthy sex life, except that for the whole time they have been together they have never once made love with the lights on. She has confronted him about it numerous times but he refuses to make love to her unless it is dark.

So one night she decides that she wants to change this. In the heat of passion, she leans over and switches on the bedside lamp, only to see him sitting in front of her, thrusting a dildo in and out of her.

Furious, she says to him, "Do you care to explain this?!"
To which he replies "I'll explain this when you explain the fvcking kids!"
Click to expand...

This joke is old.
The OP's joke I've never heard before.

You lose he wins.
That being said, OP's original joke only pulled a smirk on my face... 4.5/10.

 
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
Originally posted by: mad0maxx
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
4/10. That's a generous four.
Click to expand...

Seriously if you are gonna rate it then post a better joke if you think mine is bad... :thumbsdown:
Click to expand...

So a married couple have been together for 15 years. They have a healthy sex life, except that for the whole time they have been together they have never once made love with the lights on. She has confronted him about it numerous times but he refuses to make love to her unless it is dark.

So one night she decides that she wants to change this. In the heat of passion, she leans over and switches on the bedside lamp, only to see him sitting in front of her, thrusting a dildo in and out of her.

Furious, she says to him, "Do you care to explain this?!"
To which he replies "I'll explain this when you explain the fvcking kids!"
Click to expand...

Pretty good ^_^
 
Originally posted by: diegoalcatraz
Stolen, saw it originally posted here (probably by the jester):

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Technically I did not write the joke no... I found it on a World of Warcraft Guild Forum Website...
 
Originally posted by: diegoalcatraz
Stolen, saw it originally posted here (probably by the jester):

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

rofl
 
the OP's joke has been around for a long time
in the original version the mother is suspicious of her son living with a female roommate, but everything else is told the same way

here's one:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that..that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now"
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by: TheChort
the OP's joke has been around for a long time
in the original version the mother is suspicious of her son living with a female roommate, but everything else is told the same way

here's one:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that..that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now"
Click to expand...

LOL :laugh:
Click to expand...
 
Originally posted by: TheChort
the OP's joke has been around for a long time
in the original version the mother is suspicious of her son living with a female roommate, but everything else is told the same way

here's one:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that..that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now"
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

:laugh: that's good 😀
 
Originally posted by: iamaelephant
Originally posted by: TheChort
the OP's joke has been around for a long time
in the original version the mother is suspicious of her son living with a female roommate, but everything else is told the same way

here's one:
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that..that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now"
Click to expand...
Click to expand...

:laugh: that's good 😀
Click to expand...

Wow, that actually is suprisingly good! 😛
 
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