Death is not a comfy thing, and I've seen it myself, very close, very personal, without military experience as well. Too many times, at this age, I think.
I have to say--I think there's a great difference between watching your buddy get plugged or blown to bits right next you--instant kill--compared to the natural progression (be it illness or simply age) in terms of how it effects you. Nothing is pretty about death--and even those who deal with it daily--physicians, simply will not get it until they go through it with a loved one. I can guarantee that. Nothing is more humbling to an oncologist that can't save their brother, their best friend, their son, when a raging pack of cells decides to go gung-ho and wreak havok, despite any know treatment.
and I know what you mean. seriously. it's easy to get mad at us. but wait until the friends that abandoned this burden to you (beat around the bush--you won't--but that's what it is) return after your pal dies. They'll pat you on the back "thanks bro, really wish I could have helped, but...yadadada, seriously, bro, if there's anything I can do)
you want to say FUCK YOIU! But you can't--you won't. probably, you should. But we dare not do these things. We avoid, mostly. It's how most of us cope.
I will say this--do not be astonished by the amount of anger that you feel, that you will feel--that will likely continue with you for the rest of your life. There is anger at those around you, the world, anger against things that you simply have no power over. Nothing will alleviate that. No one understands this. They simply cna't comprehend why a pan of brownies doesn't help, you know?
...but it's not exactly that, either. People WANT to help. they truly do, but in a way, even though they don't appreciate the same pain (I'm assuming this is truly personal), they know they can never do anything, but, as humans...as humanity and community demands it...we must DO SOMETHING. so, we offer to provide dinner. To take care of the kids, do whatever we can, in whatever small increments of time of offerings.
None of it really helps, and those on the outside may never "get" that, or they do--but that won't change the offer. Something must be done, and as humans, we continue to offer.
As much as it pains you, as much as they probably do deserve the ire--you just can't say FUCK OFF! to all of the friends that abandoned you to this.
You might think you know what it feels like when a brother dies way too young, who chose not to put himself into a life that killed and subsequently sought his own death--but one that sought nothing more than to heal and cure--and succeeded--but no one can over know until that actually happens.
so, good luck to you. Hate all you need to. Accept the anger that will come, and don't accept it to be abnormal. Expect that the following year or two will see you acting and thinking in ways that you never thought possible of yourself. But it goes on. Time heals NOTHING. It's complete tripe. Feel free to tell someone to fuck off if they want to tell you that shit.
seriously.
Just let yourself find those happy moments from the life before. Do not dwell on specific dates, and moments. Find the humor in every situation. --that is no lie. Do it, humor, the recognition that we are all, in the end, fleshy gasbags staving off the inevitable non-existence, humoring ourselves until we cease, can truly save you in these moments.
Celebrate the accomplishments, the good times, and just keep on livin'
:thumbsup:
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